on a scale of 1 to gentleman, i feel like a little boy.
that might be because i'm with my parents. i've probably reverted back to childhood since i just spent almost a week in my kiddie bedroom. but it could also be because, well, let's face it, i'm still a little boy.
it's funny how much power certain people hold over me. how someone else's mood can dictate mine. how the change in the tone of someone's voice can thicken the air in a room and form knots in my stomach so tight they leave me a mess, wondering what to do with myself.
and when i'm a mess, i start to question everything. things feel like they're unravelling. and i lose faith.
i was at a barnes and noble a few days after christmas and i came across a horoscope book outlining the yearly forecast for all the signs. i picked it up, thumbed through until i found leo, and read about how the planets alignment this year will affect me. apparently leo's are starting a religious journey.
is this my religious journey? is gentlemanship my new religion?
best case scenario, when this year is over, i will have my life together. cinched. tight. things won't make me feel like i feel now. i won't have moments where i feel helpless. i'll be in control. and confident. at peace. difficult things will roll off my back. i will move through life with grace. nothing will bother me. nothing will bring me down. i will be zen.
shit. should i have made 2011 the year of meditation?
here's the question of the day: what do gentlemen feel? after all of the manners and social graces and self reserve, after the staunch moral principle, after knowing how to dress and what to say and which knife to use (and in which hand), after knowing what wine to serve with dinner and figuring out the difference between brandy and scotch and whisky and everything else i hope to ingest this year, what will i feel?
what will i feel? because i'm pretty sure any "how to" guide i pick up isn't going to tell me what a gentleman feels. rules and etiquette, yes. feelings, no.
and my question: will i really feel better? "better"? will i feel elevated? will i feel relieved of stress? because somehow, i think i will. at least i hope i will. because in my head, the math all seems to work out. because in my head, when i've ironed out the wrinkles, when the puzzle has been put together, and when everything is in its place, i'll find that illusive happiness i've been searching for. i'll find everything i've been missing. i'll be better.
right?
who am i kidding? i've read dickens. actually, who am i really kidding? i read cliffsnotes' dickens. i don't really remember what i'm supposed to remember (it has been 10 years after all...oy) but i think he wrote about unhappy gentlepeople. or were they more disgruntled?*
am i going to be unhappy? disgruntled with a really good sense of style?
well, we'll see, won't we? because i've spent waaayyyy too much time invested in designing the banner for this blog to quit now. besides, every good journey of enlightenment requires a little self doubt in the beginning, right?
so here we go. testing, testing, 1,2,3...
*note to self, re-read dickens.
Well, I've never been a gentleman and probably never will be but I have aspired to get all the wrinkles ironed out and become more settled. Sadly, from my experience, it just never seems to end. Life is a roller coaster. If I can remember that as long as I'm living shit is going to happen, then perhaps I can get along better than expecting it to magically stop one day. This is not nay-saying though because I fully feel that if you work to achieve a better feeling then it absolutely can be done. And why not have 2011 be the year to do that?
ReplyDeletei don't think gentlemen have different feelings than everyone else, they just have a "better" way of responding. they somehow have more assurance that although something scary is happening, things will work out. cuz they're gentlemen.
ReplyDeletefor the record, a majority of dickens characters are poor. and the not-so-poor ones are usually jerks. not the best place to start... maybe some p.g.wodehouse instead:)
you're so right about dickens. i forgot they were poor. actually, i think i was mostly thinking about great expectations and pip's journey. i really can't remember how he changes, but i figured it had something to do with starting off poor and becoming gentlemanly...or something. i'll probably still read it again. i should work on being better read. but p.g. wodehouse it also will be!
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