i may have had a few good days. but i slept in a lot. and i reverted back to drinking from the carton again. ugh. it's just so easy to drift back into bad habits.
is there a lesson in this? i think maybe there is...
i have managed to not sleep in my contacts at all. which is a feat for me, because it's so easy to be lazy. also, i've been really good about wishing my facebook friends a happy birthday. all of them. for every day of this year so far. and i think that's a good thing.
once upon a time, i remember writing something (or maybe it was just a thought) about how habits are usually a result of our environment. we could literally be anyone we wanted if we packed up our lives and moved somewhere different. it'd be so easy to create a new persona with new habitual behavior. but when we return to the scene of the crime, it's not so easy, now, is it?
that's what i'm dealing with right now. i started off my year long journey in my childhood home. it was easy to wash all my dishes and focus on changing myself for the better. i mean, seriously, i had no distractions. but not here. no, definitely not here.
here i have lots of dirty laundry. and dishes that pile up because of neglect. and "busy schedules." but probably mostly neglect.
so i need to figure out how take charge of my life in this apartment i've called home for the past year, and not let my old routine be ok with me anymore. it's not ok for me to sleep half the day away. or for me to spend the other half of the day that i'm awake wasting it online. or watching "say yes to the dress," which has become my new pastime thanks to unemployment.
oh, yea, and there's that. i should probably find a job.
i have been auditioning. which is what i should be doing if i want to be an actor. but i should probably audition a little more. i keep hoping that maybe, just maybe, i'll walk away one of the lucky ones and book a gig. that'd be a dream right now. then i could avoid having to find a job that i know i'll eventually hate which will make me awfully ungentlemanly. because, let's face it, sometimes i'm bad at work. not at doing a job. i'm really effing good at doing jobs. but i will admit, 2010 was the year of anthony playing hooky at work. and if i'm gonna save for a wedding (and be a gentleman in the process) i can't do that. it's just plain irresponsible of me. and that's one of the things i hated about myself last year that i want to change this year. i used to be an overachiever. what happened to that version of me?
the good thing, i think, is that i have managed to work on some of my bad habits here. i know they're silly, but the contacts and the birthdays are all little steps in the right direction. i just have to keep on myself to stay motivated. and i know i have it in me. we're only at the beginning of week 3. i still have 49 weeks of this year left. i have a lot of time ahead of me. so at least i'm pacing myself, right?
the main point is that i don't beat myself up. i will just keep moving forward. i will try not to slip backward. and eventually i'll end up in a completely different place from where i've started. i just have to get out of the comfortable terrain of this habitual environment i've created so that i can find the energy to change things.
i've gotta get out of these flatlands and find myself a mountain range for a while.
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