15. this is why we fight

first of all, the decemberists' new album "the king is dead" is incredible. i've been a huge fan of their work since i stumbled upon them a few years ago. they are brilliant musicians. they write wonderful stories. and their newest release is no exception. and if you're unfamiliar with their work, i think this is a great starting point, because it's a very accessible album. some of their stuff is very conceptual. this, on the other hand, isn't nearly as much, so it's a great introduction. so that's my music recommendation for the day.

now on to my real point...

rob and i got in a fight last night. i'm not supposed to write about it. well, rob asked me not to. and i want to respect his wishes. because, he's right, this blog isn't meant to be an open book into his life. so i won't write much about it. but i can't let good inspiration go to waste.

the fight itself was pretty epic. we got over it really quickly, as we usually do. but while we were in the moment we were both pretty intense. because we're both really passionate people. we're also both insanely stubborn. plus, i learned how to fight from my parents. who are pros. so i'm really good at it. not that that's the sort of thing i should brag about. but it's true.

i know that i'm in love with rob for lots of reasons. lots of really wonderful reasons. but i also know that i'm in love with him because he's the only person in the world i can actually fight with. i know i said i'm really adept at fighting, and i am. but i don't do it. ever. except for with rob. he's the only person i've ever really been able to show that side of myself to. and he's the only person i actually care about enough to fight with.

so rob and i got in a fight last night. we don't really fight about much, but there is one topic that we keep coming back to, and it came up again last night. and after a year of fighting about it, and after a year of me not really seeing any change in the situation, i stepped things up a bit. i stood my ground a lot more firmly than i have in the past. and when it was all said and done, i asked myself the question: when is it going to be too much?

i've explored a lot of unknown territory with rob. i've never been in a relationship that's lasted this long. i've never been with anyone i've ever been this committed to. and i've never been so in love with a person. so when i come across these sorts of situations, where we butt heads, i'm at a loss as to what to do when it comes to my stubbornness. how long do i fight the subject before i finally let it go? or do i ever?

how long do i stand my ground?

the fight itself is really nothing that serious (well, it is to me, but on the grand scheme of things, it's probably pretty laughable). i'll never leave rob because of the subject. and honestly, if it's the only fight we have for the rest of our lives, well, i'll gladly take it. but i know we're both annoyed that we've been fighting about it for a year. and i know we'd both like to move forward. but we're also each way too proud to back down.

so i have to figure out what this gentleman should do.

the first sentence of how to be a gentleman reads: "a gentleman does his best to be there when he is needed and to stay out of the way the rest of the time." which, translated, means he keeps his nose out of other people's business. but isn't rob's business my business? it's not like he's just some guy i'm casually dating. we've evolved so far past casual. we're getting married. our lives are now bound together. inexorably woven into the same fabric. so i'm allowed to butt in to rob's life, right?

i mean, i think the answer is yes. as i see it, gentlemanly behavior is meant for social situations. these are rules that help when dealing with other people. with friends and acquaintances and strangers. of course it's rude to get into someone else's business when your presence or opinion hasn't been requested. unless you feel it is out of absolute necessity that you get involved. like when you're playing the hero. saving a damsel in distress. but when it comes to your personal life, where is the line drawn? clearly, it doesn't mean you are allowed to act like a barbarian behind closed doors. that's why a gentleman doesn't drink directly from the milk carton, even if he lives alone. but the rules should be a bit different for personal relationships, right?

so i guess that's what i have to figure out. let's see if any of these books i've picked up have any words of wisdom. or if i'm all alone on writing this chapter.

1/26/2011 - addendum

rob read this entry the other night and turned to me and said: you titled the entry "this is why we fight" but you never actually said why we fight.

i should probably say that the entry title came from a decemberists song.

also, if you need a reason why we fight, i decided it's because of love. we all fight because of love. it might not seem that way at the time, but really, that's all we're ever fighting about.

so let that idea stew for a while.