4. home

i'm home.

no, not new york home. but north carolina home.

rob and i drove down overnight so he could finally meet my parents. that's right. he's meeting the parents. and we're spending the week here.

i met rob's family pretty early in our relationship. he's lucky. they're on long island so they're close enough that if we ever want to see them, all we have to do is hop on a train and we're there in a little over an hour. getting to north carolina, however, isn't that easy. both physically and, well, metaphorically. because let's be real about this, rob communicates with his family way more than i do with mine.

i wasn't kidding when i said i'm not good at keeping in touch with people. but at least i don't discriminate.

i've actually used this as an argument to try and soothe angry friends: "listen, it's really not you. i just don't call anyone. even my mother. don't take it personally. please?" (a gentleman says "please" and "thank you" readily and often.)

but seriously, rob has a much different relationship with his family than i do with mine.

i love my parents. and i love my brother. very much. if there's one thing my family values more than anything else in the world, it's love. love is the principle by which i live my life, and this i have single-handedly learned from my parents. so i have a very deeply rooted affection for my family that will never die. the thing is, we just don't talk. around the time i finally came to terms with my sexuality, i noticed that a rift had developed between me and them. we were separated. i stood on one side with my dark and twisty secrets and they stood on the other side. and i was scared. i was petrified that my being gay was the one thing that would absolutely destroy my family's love for me. so that rift stayed in tact. and instead of letting my parents and my brother know about the ins and outs of my life, i became the enigmatic son living in japan, then moving to new york, then touring the country on a national tour. i was always busy. and it was easy for me to stay that way. i'd come home for christmas, but that was it. sometimes months would go by between phone calls home. now i'm not heartless. there were definitely times when i'd ache for things to change, but i'd ultimately determine that it was too stressful* and difficult. so things would stay as they were. instead of feeling excited for a phone call home, i would have a slight panic attack. there was just something so profoundly powerful in my fear. something paralytic, which kept me from taking the steps necessary to open up to my family.

until rob.

opening up to my brother was easy. even though i came out to him long before i ever met rob, i still kept him at an arms length. i guess i didn't know how he'd respond to actually interacting with my life. but then i met rob. and it wasn't long before arick met rob, too. and of course they hit it off famously. to quote arick, "rob likes me better than you."

seeing arick really accept my life was the catalyst i needed to try and tackle my parents. which hasn't been easy. i definitely had some cowardly moments last year. but i also managed to surprise myself. and so here i am now, sitting in my childhood bedroom with rob. i'm typing on the computer while he reads a novel on his ipad.

this trip couldn't have come at a more appropriate time. it's only the third day of the new year and i am already on what i hope to be my most incredible journey of self-discovery yet. and i can't really think of a better place to be than my childhood home. with my parents. and my grandmother. opening up the lines of communication that have been on hold for longer than i'd like to admit. in order for me to become this "gentleman," i have to let this stunted child grow up. i have to release my fears and face them, head on. i have to build new relationships. and make old relationships better. and stronger. and where is the best place to start? home.



*have you noticed yet that my head is fraught with anxiety? i'm really hoping that gentlemen are free from stress...