16. motivation

i met up with my friend shayna the other night for dinner. i absolutely adore this girl and i'm really glad she came into my life a few years ago. she's fun, she's smart, she's talented, and she's someone i'm genuinely glad to have in my circle of friends. but i don't see her as often as i should because, as i said a long time ago, i'm not always the best at seeing and talking to all of my friends on a regular basis. but shayna and i were able to overcome my misanthropy and meet for mexican food.

one of the first things she said to me was that i looked like i was "together." i laughed a little inside because of how much of a mess i still feel like, but i took her compliment as graciously as i could. i know that i still have a long way to go, but knowing that from an outsider's perspective i'm starting to look like i've got a little control definitely feels good.

and i feel like i'm starting to take back control of my life, too. i've started to rid myself of some bad habits and replace them with better ones, which is a good start. i mean, my eyes are definitely thanking me for not sleeping in my contacts anymore. but the things i have managed to hold on to are pretty lame in comparison to the ones i haven't. like, since i've been unemployed, i've gotten back into the habit of sleeping until at least 3 in the afternoon. today i got out of bed at noon, which was a nice change of pace, but it'll only be a victory if i do the same thing tomorrow. and i'm not entirely sure i will...

which brings me to what i've figured out is my biggest weakness: my lack of motivation. if i was motivated to wake up early, or to make sure that none of my dishes in my sink were dirty or that all of my laundry was done, then i'd be a lot further along in being a gentleman of good habits.

but i'm not motivated.

well, that's not true. i am motivated. it just comes in spurts. i need to figure out how to keep my motivation alive. so that i'm not overcome with laziness. like i often am when i have free time at my disposal.

see, that's my reaaaaal problem. i'm lazy.

so this is what i'm going to have to do. i'm unemployed until february 21st (oh, yea, i got a job! i'm doing a show in new jersey! and i'm ridiculously excited about it!) so i'm going to take this next month of free time to figure out how to make the most of my time. because the gentleman i want to become occupies himself with worthy causes. i mean, seriously, i've spent the last few weeks playing video games and watching "say yes to the dress" on netflix. which is lame. especially when i have this amazing project to work on. i really just need to get it together. so that what's actually going on behind closed doors matches what people are thinking they notice in public.

so, shayna, thanks for thinking that i look like i have a handle on things. but what i'm not admitting is that even though i've managed to get a really great acting job, and even though i managed to look really cute the other night when we went out, i'm still as lazy as ever. because it's been so easy for me to be lazy. but now i'm going to try to stop. which won't be easy. but once i overcome this hurdle, things should be a whole lot easier.

so here's to cultivating motivation!