i know. sometimes i forget i'm trying to be an actor. it was my first audition of the new year, actually. lately i've been focusing a lot on my personal life - which is something i'd seriously neglected for years. right after graduating college, nothing was more important to me than work. i even ended my then relationship because of the uncertainty of my future. my uncertain future became a few theaters in the states, then a two year contract in japan. then, finally, new york. which turned into a job touring north america. but then rob came along, literally out of the blue in, of all places, new jersey. and that's when it all came to a halt. because nothing was more important than developing my relationship with him. but now that my personal life actually has a steady foundation (i mean, we are getting married. i don't know what's more steady than that), i've realized that it's time i start focusing on my career again. i owe it to me and i owe it to rob.
so i went to that audition today.
and as i was on the train down to penn station this morning, i seriously thought i'd be blogging tonight about how the snow makes everyone angry. because, seriously, it does. all good manners go out the window the minute things become "inconvenient" and "difficult" for everyone. and let's not start on how many angry people i've encountered because of train delays. woof.
but that wasn't my moment of enlightenment today. no, my moment of enlightenment came after my audition.
i've publicly vowed to devote this year to becoming a better man for everyone else. to be more dependable, to be more sincere, to be lists of things i've already babbled off. but i don't think i've actually vowed to become a better man for me.
i know i've said i'm hoping to change how i feel. i know i've written about wanting to feel "better." i know i'm hoping that by the end of this year i'll be elevated. that being a gentleman will somehow help me find inner peace. but i haven't realized, until today, that being nice and gentle to everyone else isn't as important as being nice to myself.
that's what i noticed today at my audition. i know that every occupation comes with its own hazards. well, one of the hazards of acting (or any profession in the arts, for that matter) is self loathing. and i, for one, have a serious problem when it comes to not being able to support myself. or to trust myself. i'm one of those actors that gets trapped in the pitfalls of auditions. i over analyze what's happened and try to figure out what i did wrong. i critique myself to no end. and even when something doesn't seem to work out because of something i have absolutely no control over, like my height, i still can't give myself permission to just be satisfied with what i've done.
today i had a perfectly acceptable audition. sure, it wasn't absolutely perfect, but it was good. better than good, even. but i still left the building beating myself up. for absolutely no reason. and then i took my feelings out on rob. just because he was home when i got home. and let's be honest, none of that was very gentlemanly.
but i couldn't help myself. and that's when it dawned on me. before i can be a gentleman out in the world, i need to be a gentleman in my own skin.
i need to be nice to myself.
so this is my new golden rule. before i can start treating others the way i want to be treated, i have to treat myself the way i want (and deserve) to be treated.
so tomorrow, i'm going to try and cut myself a little slack. i know it won't be easy, but what i'm ultimately trying to do is replace a bad habit with a good one. it's just going to take a little effort and repetition. but hopefully it won't be too long before i'm treating myself the way i'm treating the rest of the world. and what more can any of us really ask from ourselves?
No comments:
Post a Comment