25. february

i still have ten months worth of kinks to shake out of my life, but when i got dressed for work today, i looked at myself in the mirror and felt this huge wave of accomplishment wash over me. today i started the job i've been patiently waiting a month for, and it felt good to wake up with a sense of purpose. i got up, got dressed, packed my leather bag and headed out to the professional world. and i felt amazing.

that feeling only elevated when i got to the studios and filled out my application for the actors union, because that means i'm legit now. if i was never legit before, this just seals the deal. and as i looked around the room at all the actors i was sharing space with, i felt blessed. it was a good feeling.

i've definitely had some days where i've done absolutely nothing this month and i've felt worthless. but i've also been more social this month than i have in the past 6. and today was another one of those days - starting a new job and making introductions. i know i have a lot of work left to do on this gentleman gig, but i feel little bits paying off.

hopefully with this new work schedule, i can really start to focus on creating a routine for myself. it was really hard to motivate myself to wake up and be productive when i had nothing to do. now i have a purpose and things to fill my hours with. so here's on to a new project just in time for march.

as for february, i've felt pretty good about my social interactions. i've had birthday dinners and surprise parties and bachelor parties to attend. i had valentine's day to celebrate and family to entertain and i'm not done with the meetings and events scheduled. so i'm proud of myself for getting out there into the world. i tend to shut myself away for some reason. but i still have a lot of work to do, because i have friends i need to see. like larry. it's been too long and that needs to change immediately. it's just hard when so much distance has happened - distance that's all my fault. and he's even made it a point to tell me he can put it behind him. it's not so easy for me.

i have to say rob has been a big help in this process without realizing it. we've had things scheduled and it's helped having him to answer to regarding our social calendar. i'm not always so good alone. i work really well in a pair though. i've always been that way, though. i guess that's why it feels so good wearing my engagement ring. i like knowing i belong to something. i'm not just wandering around aimlessly.

because i know i said i'm doing this all for me, and i'm definitely not taking that back, but it helps that i have someone to hold me accountable.