22. lessons and progress

i hate schmoozing. literally. i hate it. i try not to hate many things because i learned from my parents that it's wrong to hate. i learned from teachers that hate is a harsh word and an evil soul-killing feeling and all of that. but i can't help myself. i. hate. schmoozing.

i mean, i think i have social anxiety, remember? schmoozing makes me feel dirty. i feel fake. i feel disingenuous (i wanted to say i feel in-genuine, but that's not a real word).

but as i embark further in my quest to be a gentleman, i'm learning that i have to embrace the schmooze. because, as i've learned in chapter four of how to be a gentleman, "a gentleman says the right thing."

last night i went to a show that one of my very very very very very very very dear friends was in (and i'm not just saying that because elyse asked me if i'd blog about her *wink* the show was excellent, by the way. elyse is quite an extraordinary actress). well, after elyse's show, there was a little party and that was where i remembered how much i loathe schmoozing.

the show elyse was in was a talent showcase created to connect new york actors with other industry professionals. the show is where the agents and managers and casting directors would get to acquaint themselves with the actors. the after party, on the other hand, was where the actors would get to acquaint themselves with the agents and managers and casting directors. in other words, it was one big schmooze fest.

the whole thing made me wildly uncomfortable. but i was also exceptionally giddy that it wasn't my event, so i had no problem standing back and enjoying the company of elyse, arick (my brother AND elyse's bf fyi) and sean (elyse's bff). no one else mattered. because it was elyse's night and all i had to do was keep quiet and let her shine.

i made it through the event just fine, with no social anxiety attacks. after we left the restaurant, i decided to stop by rob's bar since he was working and i thought it would be nice to see him. so i said goodbye to arick, elyse and sean and headed around the corner.

well. i have social anxiety. and i hate to schmooze. so clearly, it's no shocker when i say that i generally make it a rule never to go to a bar alone. i mean, i have a hard time doing anything social alone, so clearly going to a bar is no exception. but when rob's working, i don't really have a problem staking out a barstool and just playing on my phone for an hour or two. so that's what i did. or what i started to do, anyways. because last night i found myself wrapped up in so many random conversations that i had no choice but to do exactly what i thought i could avoid all night long. that's right. i had to schmooze.

i guess it's not really schmoozing if it's not business related. i guess, really, all i had to do was talk to people. which shouldn't seem like a shocker. but remember that time i said i didn't want to talk to the couple at the theatre? the same thing goes in bars. it's awkward enough that i'm alone. i don't need having a conversation with a stranger to make it more awkward.

but somewhere between the shot i ended up taking with some of the strangers and the drinks i had rob serving me, i realized that this kind of situation is exactly what i need to get myself in to in order to finally start making some changes in my life. i mean, in order to get over this anxiety, i have to work myself through it, right? and how can this gentleman know exactly what to say if he don't practice saying it?

so i gave it a shot. i smiled. i laughed. i tried to create a feeling of genuine interest as i was listening to the things being said. and even though i didn't stay for too long, i at least took a step forward.

and then i woke up today and managed to do it again. twice.

now, even though i live in the same building as all of the tenants who share my apartment, i don't really say much in the elevator. go figure. but today i got on the lift and had a man engage me in conversation. he recognized me and asked how russel (our dog) was, and instead of just answering him and then leaving it at that, i actually kept the conversation going which turned out to work out in my favor in the end. as i was talking to the man, i noticed that he was trying to haul an old carpet out to the trash on a handtruck. so i opened doors for him along the way and kept talking. and as he was coming back inside, he noticed i had some boxes in the lobby of the building.

side note: rob and i had just come back from a trip to ikea. we finally decided it was time for me to get a new dresser (so my clothes could stop living in stacks and piles) as well as a desk for our office. it feels really good to have accomplished something today. though, i wonder how much we really accomplished since all we really did was spend money. does spending money really equate to accomplishing something?

well, anyways, rob was dropping off the zip car at the time and i was babysitting the packages. there was clearly no way i was getting our boxes upstairs by myself. so i was going to just wait until rob got back. but the man offered to help me out. and instead of saying no, like i instinctually would, i said yes. and he helped me. get all three heavy ass ikea boxes upstairs.

i mean, the lesson can only be that i put something out into the universe and got it right back. i was willing to be polite. i was willing to help a stranger. and the sentiment was returned. and it felt really good. and i didn't feel at all disingenuous.

i also helped a stranger back his car into a parking space while i was walking russell, but that's a boring story.

now, i don't think i'm over my anxiety. it's not like one day goes by where i actually talk to people and poof i'm cured. no. not at all. but i'm taking steps. i know they're so ridiculous in scope, but i'm progressing! i felt like such a gentleman helping that man out. and then going out of my way to offer help to a man on the street. i felt like a real person for a change.

and i liked it.