21. social anxiety

when i was in college, i used to diagnose myself with different mental disorders on a biweekly basis. one week i'd think i was bipolar. a few weeks later i'd be convinced i was borderline. then i'd figure i just suffered from plain jane depression. ultimately, my diagnosis would never last long. i'd usually drop the idea after a little bit of research in the library and a big dose of reality from my friends.

but the idea of having social anxiety has never quite left me.

i've never talked to a professional about it. and i've never really felt like the anxiety i suffer from is crippling. but i do still experience it and frankly, i find it ridiculously annoying. and so i'm wondering how i can overcome it. i mean, i know i'm not a professional, so these are just wild ideas that i've thought up, but my anxiety comes as a result of my childhood, right? well, i'm not a child anymore. i'm almost 30. i'm a completely different person. i'm not that fat, awkward kid i was way back then. i can understand why a fat, awkward kid would have problems in social situations. because i'll admit to having no confidence and low self esteem. but seriously, i've grown so far away from that boy. so why do i still feel like him?

i wrote the following on my way to meet some people last night. it's a little journal entry from the moment when i was fighting my anxiety.

i've been getting angry lately. like, when things change, i get mad. like right now. rob's running late and we're supposed to meet up with his great aunt and uncle and their friends for dinner and now i have to do it alone. instead of just saying "oh, it sucks that you're running late and of course i'll meet with them and keep them company until you can get here" i get combative and aggressive and try to make him feel bad. like it's his fault there's traffic in new york city. of course there's traffic in new york city. it's new york city. and it's rush hour. what's wrong with me? this isn't very gentlemanly behavior.

but i can't help my anger and frustration because i have this weird wash of emotions that just comes over me. i'm mad at rob for running late. and i feel really uncomfortable about having to be alone with his family.

it all makes me think i have social anxiety. it'd be one thing if it were rob's mom i was meeting. or his brothers. i'm super comfortable around them. because i've already spent a lot of time with them. but i don't really know his aunt and uncle. i need him here to take the lead. but now i'm uncomfortable. so i'm anxious. it's why i'm not any good at small talk with strangers. unless i've been drinking. i just shut down. i can't think. literally. of anything to say.

yesterday when we were seeing billy elliott, rob struck up a conversation with some strangers sitting in front of him. they asked him a question and it started this whole talk that i didn't really want to be involved with. but then rob pulls me into the conversation, and i felt so awkward. i should have been more open but i wasn't. i didn't want to talk to them. i just didn't want to. i still did. a little. but i felt awkward. and uncomfortable. and it was awful.

how do i change this? is this just a habitual response to habitual behavior? if i change the routine i'm accustomed to and step outside of my comfort zone, and do it often enough, will i be able to change? do i just need practice at not being a wallflower? and with time will my insides change? will i not feel this way anymore? this uncomfortable upheaval of my comfortable existence that creates anxiety and anger?

because none of this is very gentlemanly at all.

i've learned that i can do anything in the world so long as i can make it through my moments of anxiety before hand. i wrote the journal entry on my phone as i was taking the train downtown to meet rob's family. and the thing is, as soon as i met up with them, i was a rock star. i was charming and dashing. i was full of conversation. i was confident and in control. i was the gentleman i wanted to be. and i had a great time. rob showed up an hour late to dinner and it felt like only twenty minutes had passed. nothing was awkward. it was totally comfortable. then we went to to theatre and after the show we had dessert and hot chocolate. i had a brilliant time.

i wish i had known all along that i would be fine. but i couldn't see through the haze that was distracting my view when rob called and told me he was running late. i just felt this knot in my stomach and that's all i could focus on.

the good thing is that i know i can do this. i just have to, i don't know, meditate a little and work on my initial response. instead of getting mad at rob, i have to just step back and accept what's happened and trust that i'll be fine. because, even though i can nitpick the hell out of myself, i'm more of a gentleman than i've been giving myself credit for. sure, i could stand to work out more and i need to get my finances in order. but i'm a good guy. a really good guy. so i can stop feeling like that socially awkward fat boy. i'm not him anymore.