17. who's it all for?

i think i'm starting to figure it out...

this revelation might seem a little obvious in retrospect, so it also might seem a little idiotically late in the game. but it's one that hit me like a ton of bricks just a few minutes ago. see, after i finished my last post, i got up, i rolled my sleeves up, i headed to the kitchen and i started doing dishes. then i made my way back to my bedroom, where i started organizing my mountain of clothes. i, then, straightened up the living room and put some things away in the guest bedroom. and before i knew it, i had pulled a mini-overhaul of the apartment.

five minutes ago, as i was finishing up the last of the dishes, it hit me: who's it all for?

see, i was washing a baking pan that had sort of become the bane of my existence recently. rob likes to cook. and he's really good at it. which means, if he needs help, i try to pitch in, but i usually just leave him to his own devices. that translates to: rob thinks he's a celebrity chef, and somehow manages to use every dish we own to create his culinary masterpieces. which is fine. but he always leaves me the dishes. and it'd be one thing if it was just a handful, but our kitchen always ends up looking a little like a war zone. which, seriously, isn't as bad as i'm painting it out to be. and trust me, the food's worth it. but i get stubborn when it comes to doing the dishes. so when a baking pan is crusty and difficult to clean, i'll get defiant and leave it for rob. and then he'll never get to it. which leaves me cleaning it at 2 am, like i did tonight. and while i was scrubbing, part of me thought: i wonder if rob'll notice i've cleaned the kitchen when he gets home from work? and then the other part of me screamed: who cares?! you're not doing any of this for him. you're doing it for you.

and that's when it dawned on me. i'm doing this for me. i mean, i know everything i've written has been about wanting to be a better man for myself, but there's always been that something in the back of my head that also wants to do this for rob. i mean, we're getting married. if there ever was a time for me to get it together, now is it. because one day we'll have kids. one day we'll have a family. and what kind of father will i be if i let the dishes pile up in the sink? my mom never let that happen. and i don't think i really appreciated what that meant until now.

but in order for any of this to be successful, i have to let images of rob and my future imaginary family go. this has to start with me. or it won't go anywhere. because doing things for other people always leads to anger and frustration and resentment. and while rob certainly gets to benefit from me growing up, and while, of course, i want him to be happy with me for doing things like keeping the sink free from dirty dishes, the reality is that i'm not a housewife. and that's not my job.

keeping a clean house and taking care of myself is something i owe myself. i owe it to myself to make sure that i'm living the best possible life i can. and while it might feel good to lounge around and do nothing all day, i have to remember that it also feels really damn good to walk around a clean apartment. it feels really damn good when i'm getting dressed to know that everything is clean, and put away, and not in piles. i know that all of these social graces seem like they're for everyone else, but, really, they're just for me. they're for my sanity. and my esteem. for my pride and self respect.

i will feel "better" if i treat myself better.

i know it probably seems like i've been saying this same thing for 24 days now. but it took 24 days for me to realllllllly get it.

and i think now that i've got it, it'll be a whole lot easier for me to stop being lazy and to stay motivated. i think this might be the key.

well, i sure hope it is at least. because even though i've always been one to end up with good results, i've still always been a lazy kid. i could be so much better if i just stepped everything up a notch. and i mean, i don't want to come across cocky, but seriously, i'm preeettttyyyy damn good at things. i owe it to myself to be even better.