9. 1 and done

week one of this year. over.

week one of this project. finished.

ok, realistically, it's been nine days, which is more than a week. but it's sunday night, and tomorrow is the beginning of a new week, so i'm just rounding down a little for my own sanity. i hope that's ok with everyone.

so how do i feel so far? what have i done? and where am i at?

well, so much has happened this week that it's been hard to gage exactly what i've accomplished. i started out the year in new york with a whim of an idea that i turned into a project overnight. the project, of course, was (and still is) a very cerebral idea in need of some serious planning. but after some brainstorming, i did manage to sort of figure out what it is i'm trying to do.

my trip home was interesting. i didn't really get much done in nc. which is understandable. i made a few observations about myself, but i was focusing less on being a gentleman and more on trying to find some normalcy in my family life. which, to a certain extent, i was able to find.

and then we came back to new york. and that's when things fell apart. at first, i didn't really understand what was going on. i didn't understand why my world had suddenly turned upside down. of course, that's what happens when you're in the middle of a storm. it's hard to see through the wall of rain. you just have to sit it out and wait. because once it passes and the blue skies finally come back out, you can see the landscape again.

i've been really cryptic since i got back to new york. i haven't known how to write about what's been going on. and i've also been trying to stay respectful. and i'm not going to lie, the idea that a gentleman keeps his personal information at bay did cross my mind once or twice. and i definitely considered the thought that maybe i shouldn't talk about certain things.

but that's not why i'm here. and obscuring the truth isn't what i'm trying to do. i'm here to chronicle what i'm experiencing. and there's no need to hold back. the thing is, i have to wait until i've calmed down before i write anything. a gentleman doesn't say anything irrational. or try to hurt anyone's feelings intentionally. nor does he speak out of spite or anger. if i had actually written anything concrete over the last few days, i would have probably said something i'd end up deleting. or heavily editing.

but i won't regret posting this. and the only editing i'll do is to make it better.

so it all started with christmas.

the week before christmas was hard for me. partly because i couldn't go home to spend time with my family due to work. and partly because i knew how badly my family wanted me there. especially my father. which was a very big step for our relationship.

see, having my parents come to terms with my sexuality has been a long road. mostly because i tend to run away from my problems, so instead of facing the issue head on, i've skirted around the subject. i had always wished i had the courage to just confront them, but i could never do it. i was paralyzed from fear. that is, until rob. when things started getting serious between us, i let my family know. i told my mom that i had met someone special and that we had moved in together. she didn't respond directly, but she acknowledged that she had heard the information.

and so a year passes. we spoke very little about rob during that time. mostly just about the day to day aspects of my life. work. auditions. the weather. our conversations stayed on the surface.

and then rob proposed. and it was no longer an option to withhold my life from my family. i wanted to share the news with my parents. so i did. i let my parents know separately. and i got very different responses. my mom was openly excited for me. for the first time ever, we had a conversation regarding my sexuality that was filled with pride and joy. she was genuinely happy for me.

my experience with my father, however, was completely different. it's not that he wasn't happy for me. he's just a very traditional man. so showing his support was difficult for him. he congratulated me very simply and left me with a few words of wisdom regarding whether or not i was ready for this sort of commitment (since marriage is forever). and that was that. it was short. it was clinical. he said the words he needed to say with very little emotion behind them. and that was that. and because of our lack of genuine communication, i walked away from our conversation completely unsure as to how he was really feeling. so instead of relief, i was afraid that he was only saying what he thought i wanted to hear. and feeling something else.

and then it was suddenly christmastime. i had just gotten a new job where i was scheduled to work the day before and after christmas. so traveling home was out of the question. i didn't have enough money to fly and i certainly didn't have time to drive or take a train. so i settled on staying in the city.

i was fine with my decision up until i got a voicemail from my father a week and a half before christmas. now, you have to understand, my father doesn't call me. i communicate primarily with my mother. when i do talk to dad, it's when i've called the house and the phone gets handed off mid-conversation. but this time, he called me. he reached out. when i called him back, he asked me point blank why i wasn't coming home. because, as i learned, he was worried i wasn't coming home because i felt like i was unwelcome.

that, in itself, was a huge step forward for us. he told me i could bring rob home if i wanted. he even offered to drive to new york and pick us up if need be.

he wanted to see me. and that melted my heart and made me hate myself for not being able to go home. so to make up for missing christmas, rob and i made plans to go down the first week of january. rob was going to take off work. and i was going to be unemployed as of january 2nd, so the timing was perfect. i told my family and my parents were excited. dad even offered to drive us back to new york once our trip was over.

so that's what we did. we went down to north carolina overnight on the second, and when it was time to head back to the city, mom, dad, rob and i piled in the car and made the trip overnight.

our time in nc was great. rob got to see where i grew up. and he was welcomed into my home with open arms from both my parents.

but then we got to new york. and something in my father changed overnight. he wasn't the joyous man we had met in burlington. he was angry. cold. distant. he didn't talk. he didn't look us in the eyes. he was avoiding us.

i'm not entirely sure what triggered it, but i'm pretty sure it was a picture. a picture of me with rob's family on a cruise we all took together in may. something about seeing me as a part of rob's family, something about seeing the home we had built together upset him. (my father hasn't admitted to any of this. but i'd bet my life on it.)

so i was hurt. and angry. and i felt betrayed.

i had just taken this giant step towards finding normalcy when i took rob home to meet my parents. and when things went well, i felt like maybe this rift between us could finally go away. finally i could have an open relationship with my family like so many other people do. but as soon as we got here, all of that changed. all of that progress suddenly meant nothing. and it was all because of my father.

before they left last night, i tried to confront my dad. i tried to find out exactly what happened that upset him. but since he didn't answer, i decided to shoot what rob has confirmed was bourbon.

the past few days have been a test of my abilities to hold things together. my emotions have been all over the place. and now that i've come out on the other side, i'm proud of myself. i kept my composure. i still managed to enjoy my time with my mother. i tried my best to stay respectful to my father, even when he was avoiding me emotionally. i tried my best to do everything within my power to make him comfortable.

but it was he who refused what i had to offer. i made every concession imaginable. and he pushed me away. and besides writing this post, which he might find to be a betrayal of his trust, i did what i think a gentleman would do.

so maybe i'm not as bad off as i think i am. i mean, rob and i did go to dinner tonight at a pretty fancy restaurant, and i tried really hard to follow all the rules of fine dining and felt like a fraud. so i clearly have some work to do to truly embody that ease and grace and confidence of being a gentleman. but at least i know i have it in me. if i can handle what i handled this week, i can handle anything.

so bring it on week two. bring it on.