19. imagine

tomorrow is the 31st, which means january is over. goodbye month one.

today, i got an email about my ten year high school reunion.

what is happening to the ticking clock? it might as well be 2024 at the rate time seems to be flying by.

i remember being a little boy, imagining my life as a grown up. i might be making this up, but i have this beautiful memory of lying in the front yard, starting up at a clear blue sky, imagining who i was going to be when i grew up. imagining where i was going to live. and what i was going to do. there was so much possibility in the unknown. and i loved it.

but it also stressed me out, let's be honest.

looking back at my first ten years post high school, i'll openly admit to being proud of all the things i've accomplished. sure, i'm not rich. no, i don't own a house. and i don't have any babies. yet. but i followed my dreams to japan. and then chased them all across america. and now i'm in new york, stalking out that eternal happiness i've always imagined. it's only a matter of time before i've hogtied myself a happy ending.

sure, i have plenty i could complain about. i mean, we all do, don't we? nothing ever goes exactly like we'd like it to. i know i've told myself many a bed time story, only to have the actual ending turn out the one way i'd never rehearsed. but even so, i've always viewed life as an adventure. everything happens for a reason, and i've taken the ride for the past 27 years.

but now that i've hit the ten year reunion, and the engagement, i have to start thinking about these next ten years. who do i want to be now? where do i want to be? what do i want to be doing?

which is where this gentleman thing comes into play, i guess.

one step at a time.

18. mapping out change

it's snowing.

like, srsly you guys. it's snowing in new york. a. lot.

which makes me happy. i love the snow. i almost typed "i love the rain" which isn't true. well, it's half true. i like the rain when i'm inside. i don't like the rain when i'm in the upper west side. because it somehow always manages to rain when i'm visiting the 70's. srsly. ask rob. we frequent a movie theater in the uws and i swear it's always raining when we finish our film. and we always forget to bring an umbrella. it sucks.

but it's snowing right now, and i know most of new york is complaining about having to trudge through the wintry mix, but i love it. because we barely had this sort of precipitation in north carolina when i was growing up. so i'm making up for lost time.

ps, i'd like to let you all know that i've written the short phrase "wintry mix" in homage to colin meloy of the decemberists. he made those two words into a bit that he touched upon a few times tonight during his concert stage banter. rob surprised me with two tickets to their concert tonight at the beacon theatre (which is located, where else but on the upper west side) and it was incredible. good music is necessary for the soul. and a gentleman appreciates good music.

but i digress. i should probably fess up and mention (again, i'm afraid) that i've been a complete failure lately. i know the last thing i wrote was that i needed to get motivated and stop being lazy. well, guess what? the last few days i've done nothing but sleep until at least 4 pm.

i knooooow. part of me is disappointed, too. but i just can't help myself. i really like to sleep.

i've discovered that it's really hard for me to just jump out of bed when i have nothing to do. i've never been one of those get up, have breakfast, read the morning paper kind of guys. my m.o. has been to sleep until i have to get up. and once i'm up, i get ready and then i'm on the road. but lately, i've had absolutely nothing to get up for. i've managed to be a little more proactive during my days, but i won't lie to you, i've been pretty pathetic. so how do i break this cycle?

how do we break these cycles that have been lifetimes in the making? these habits feel like they're so ingrained in me that i'd go so far as to say they define me. this isn't just a habit, anymore, it's my way of life.

but that's what's sneaky about bad habits. they get so wrapped up in our working coils that we can't imagine operating in any other way. i don't know what it's like to be that morning person everyone talks about. so i can't embrace it. but if i'm going to make any real progress, i know i'm going to have to suck it up and start making some changes.

oh change. oh, changggeeee! why can't it be easier to alter the fabric of our lives? to change the threads that make up the essence of our very beings?!

but changing my tone from self-pity to general excitement, i think i've figured out how i'm going to change. it involves really mapping out the rest of this year! january is almost over, and i clearly haven't gotten very far in my journey. mostly because i've been wandering around aimlessly and spending far too much time thinking about what it is i'm going to do instead of just doing something. so it's time i finally steer myself towards a real destination. so with eleven months ahead of me, i'm going to tackle eleven different topics. eleven aspects of being a gentleman that, when complete, will have transformed me into the man i want to be. each month gets its own headliner. each month will have some sort of project attached to it that, upon completion, will have me that much further towards my goal.

i'm excited.

tomorrow i'm going to create some sort of kick ass graphic aid that shows you exactly what makes up this mythical gentleman i hope to become. and then i'll pick where to start. maybe i'll just spin the wheel and see where it lands. or, maybe this is better, i'll try to plan out my month to month path according to certain milestones i have penciled in my ical (like my wedding in october).

yea, i feel like i'm finally making waves here.

*wipes sweat from my brow*

maybe i'm finally getting somewhere?

17. who's it all for?

i think i'm starting to figure it out...

this revelation might seem a little obvious in retrospect, so it also might seem a little idiotically late in the game. but it's one that hit me like a ton of bricks just a few minutes ago. see, after i finished my last post, i got up, i rolled my sleeves up, i headed to the kitchen and i started doing dishes. then i made my way back to my bedroom, where i started organizing my mountain of clothes. i, then, straightened up the living room and put some things away in the guest bedroom. and before i knew it, i had pulled a mini-overhaul of the apartment.

five minutes ago, as i was finishing up the last of the dishes, it hit me: who's it all for?

see, i was washing a baking pan that had sort of become the bane of my existence recently. rob likes to cook. and he's really good at it. which means, if he needs help, i try to pitch in, but i usually just leave him to his own devices. that translates to: rob thinks he's a celebrity chef, and somehow manages to use every dish we own to create his culinary masterpieces. which is fine. but he always leaves me the dishes. and it'd be one thing if it was just a handful, but our kitchen always ends up looking a little like a war zone. which, seriously, isn't as bad as i'm painting it out to be. and trust me, the food's worth it. but i get stubborn when it comes to doing the dishes. so when a baking pan is crusty and difficult to clean, i'll get defiant and leave it for rob. and then he'll never get to it. which leaves me cleaning it at 2 am, like i did tonight. and while i was scrubbing, part of me thought: i wonder if rob'll notice i've cleaned the kitchen when he gets home from work? and then the other part of me screamed: who cares?! you're not doing any of this for him. you're doing it for you.

and that's when it dawned on me. i'm doing this for me. i mean, i know everything i've written has been about wanting to be a better man for myself, but there's always been that something in the back of my head that also wants to do this for rob. i mean, we're getting married. if there ever was a time for me to get it together, now is it. because one day we'll have kids. one day we'll have a family. and what kind of father will i be if i let the dishes pile up in the sink? my mom never let that happen. and i don't think i really appreciated what that meant until now.

but in order for any of this to be successful, i have to let images of rob and my future imaginary family go. this has to start with me. or it won't go anywhere. because doing things for other people always leads to anger and frustration and resentment. and while rob certainly gets to benefit from me growing up, and while, of course, i want him to be happy with me for doing things like keeping the sink free from dirty dishes, the reality is that i'm not a housewife. and that's not my job.

keeping a clean house and taking care of myself is something i owe myself. i owe it to myself to make sure that i'm living the best possible life i can. and while it might feel good to lounge around and do nothing all day, i have to remember that it also feels really damn good to walk around a clean apartment. it feels really damn good when i'm getting dressed to know that everything is clean, and put away, and not in piles. i know that all of these social graces seem like they're for everyone else, but, really, they're just for me. they're for my sanity. and my esteem. for my pride and self respect.

i will feel "better" if i treat myself better.

i know it probably seems like i've been saying this same thing for 24 days now. but it took 24 days for me to realllllllly get it.

and i think now that i've got it, it'll be a whole lot easier for me to stop being lazy and to stay motivated. i think this might be the key.

well, i sure hope it is at least. because even though i've always been one to end up with good results, i've still always been a lazy kid. i could be so much better if i just stepped everything up a notch. and i mean, i don't want to come across cocky, but seriously, i'm preeettttyyyy damn good at things. i owe it to myself to be even better.

16. motivation

i met up with my friend shayna the other night for dinner. i absolutely adore this girl and i'm really glad she came into my life a few years ago. she's fun, she's smart, she's talented, and she's someone i'm genuinely glad to have in my circle of friends. but i don't see her as often as i should because, as i said a long time ago, i'm not always the best at seeing and talking to all of my friends on a regular basis. but shayna and i were able to overcome my misanthropy and meet for mexican food.

one of the first things she said to me was that i looked like i was "together." i laughed a little inside because of how much of a mess i still feel like, but i took her compliment as graciously as i could. i know that i still have a long way to go, but knowing that from an outsider's perspective i'm starting to look like i've got a little control definitely feels good.

and i feel like i'm starting to take back control of my life, too. i've started to rid myself of some bad habits and replace them with better ones, which is a good start. i mean, my eyes are definitely thanking me for not sleeping in my contacts anymore. but the things i have managed to hold on to are pretty lame in comparison to the ones i haven't. like, since i've been unemployed, i've gotten back into the habit of sleeping until at least 3 in the afternoon. today i got out of bed at noon, which was a nice change of pace, but it'll only be a victory if i do the same thing tomorrow. and i'm not entirely sure i will...

which brings me to what i've figured out is my biggest weakness: my lack of motivation. if i was motivated to wake up early, or to make sure that none of my dishes in my sink were dirty or that all of my laundry was done, then i'd be a lot further along in being a gentleman of good habits.

but i'm not motivated.

well, that's not true. i am motivated. it just comes in spurts. i need to figure out how to keep my motivation alive. so that i'm not overcome with laziness. like i often am when i have free time at my disposal.

see, that's my reaaaaal problem. i'm lazy.

so this is what i'm going to have to do. i'm unemployed until february 21st (oh, yea, i got a job! i'm doing a show in new jersey! and i'm ridiculously excited about it!) so i'm going to take this next month of free time to figure out how to make the most of my time. because the gentleman i want to become occupies himself with worthy causes. i mean, seriously, i've spent the last few weeks playing video games and watching "say yes to the dress" on netflix. which is lame. especially when i have this amazing project to work on. i really just need to get it together. so that what's actually going on behind closed doors matches what people are thinking they notice in public.

so, shayna, thanks for thinking that i look like i have a handle on things. but what i'm not admitting is that even though i've managed to get a really great acting job, and even though i managed to look really cute the other night when we went out, i'm still as lazy as ever. because it's been so easy for me to be lazy. but now i'm going to try to stop. which won't be easy. but once i overcome this hurdle, things should be a whole lot easier.

so here's to cultivating motivation!

15. this is why we fight

first of all, the decemberists' new album "the king is dead" is incredible. i've been a huge fan of their work since i stumbled upon them a few years ago. they are brilliant musicians. they write wonderful stories. and their newest release is no exception. and if you're unfamiliar with their work, i think this is a great starting point, because it's a very accessible album. some of their stuff is very conceptual. this, on the other hand, isn't nearly as much, so it's a great introduction. so that's my music recommendation for the day.

now on to my real point...

rob and i got in a fight last night. i'm not supposed to write about it. well, rob asked me not to. and i want to respect his wishes. because, he's right, this blog isn't meant to be an open book into his life. so i won't write much about it. but i can't let good inspiration go to waste.

the fight itself was pretty epic. we got over it really quickly, as we usually do. but while we were in the moment we were both pretty intense. because we're both really passionate people. we're also both insanely stubborn. plus, i learned how to fight from my parents. who are pros. so i'm really good at it. not that that's the sort of thing i should brag about. but it's true.

i know that i'm in love with rob for lots of reasons. lots of really wonderful reasons. but i also know that i'm in love with him because he's the only person in the world i can actually fight with. i know i said i'm really adept at fighting, and i am. but i don't do it. ever. except for with rob. he's the only person i've ever really been able to show that side of myself to. and he's the only person i actually care about enough to fight with.

so rob and i got in a fight last night. we don't really fight about much, but there is one topic that we keep coming back to, and it came up again last night. and after a year of fighting about it, and after a year of me not really seeing any change in the situation, i stepped things up a bit. i stood my ground a lot more firmly than i have in the past. and when it was all said and done, i asked myself the question: when is it going to be too much?

i've explored a lot of unknown territory with rob. i've never been in a relationship that's lasted this long. i've never been with anyone i've ever been this committed to. and i've never been so in love with a person. so when i come across these sorts of situations, where we butt heads, i'm at a loss as to what to do when it comes to my stubbornness. how long do i fight the subject before i finally let it go? or do i ever?

how long do i stand my ground?

the fight itself is really nothing that serious (well, it is to me, but on the grand scheme of things, it's probably pretty laughable). i'll never leave rob because of the subject. and honestly, if it's the only fight we have for the rest of our lives, well, i'll gladly take it. but i know we're both annoyed that we've been fighting about it for a year. and i know we'd both like to move forward. but we're also each way too proud to back down.

so i have to figure out what this gentleman should do.

the first sentence of how to be a gentleman reads: "a gentleman does his best to be there when he is needed and to stay out of the way the rest of the time." which, translated, means he keeps his nose out of other people's business. but isn't rob's business my business? it's not like he's just some guy i'm casually dating. we've evolved so far past casual. we're getting married. our lives are now bound together. inexorably woven into the same fabric. so i'm allowed to butt in to rob's life, right?

i mean, i think the answer is yes. as i see it, gentlemanly behavior is meant for social situations. these are rules that help when dealing with other people. with friends and acquaintances and strangers. of course it's rude to get into someone else's business when your presence or opinion hasn't been requested. unless you feel it is out of absolute necessity that you get involved. like when you're playing the hero. saving a damsel in distress. but when it comes to your personal life, where is the line drawn? clearly, it doesn't mean you are allowed to act like a barbarian behind closed doors. that's why a gentleman doesn't drink directly from the milk carton, even if he lives alone. but the rules should be a bit different for personal relationships, right?

so i guess that's what i have to figure out. let's see if any of these books i've picked up have any words of wisdom. or if i'm all alone on writing this chapter.

1/26/2011 - addendum

rob read this entry the other night and turned to me and said: you titled the entry "this is why we fight" but you never actually said why we fight.

i should probably say that the entry title came from a decemberists song.

also, if you need a reason why we fight, i decided it's because of love. we all fight because of love. it might not seem that way at the time, but really, that's all we're ever fighting about.

so let that idea stew for a while.

14. stay extraordinary

i've seen this commercial a lot lately, and i have to be completely honest. i am obsessed with it.

the only thing is, i reallllllly don't like diet coke. at all. i don't like how it tastes. but this commercial makes me want to change over.

it's amazing. i want to live in the world they've created. and if i had to choose a subtitle for my year, i'd say 2011 could easily ALSO be the year of the extraordinary. the year of the extraordinary gentleman.

hello 2011. let's all stay extraordinary.

plusssss, i've always loved this song. the temper trap is amazing.

13. habitual environments

week 2 was preeeetttttttyyyyyyyy uneventful.

i may have had a few good days. but i slept in a lot. and i reverted back to drinking from the carton again. ugh. it's just so easy to drift back into bad habits.

is there a lesson in this? i think maybe there is...

i have managed to not sleep in my contacts at all. which is a feat for me, because it's so easy to be lazy. also, i've been really good about wishing my facebook friends a happy birthday. all of them. for every day of this year so far. and i think that's a good thing.

once upon a time, i remember writing something (or maybe it was just a thought) about how habits are usually a result of our environment. we could literally be anyone we wanted if we packed up our lives and moved somewhere different. it'd be so easy to create a new persona with new habitual behavior. but when we return to the scene of the crime, it's not so easy, now, is it?

that's what i'm dealing with right now. i started off my year long journey in my childhood home. it was easy to wash all my dishes and focus on changing myself for the better. i mean, seriously, i had no distractions. but not here. no, definitely not here.

here i have lots of dirty laundry. and dishes that pile up because of neglect. and "busy schedules." but probably mostly neglect.

so i need to figure out how take charge of my life in this apartment i've called home for the past year, and not let my old routine be ok with me anymore. it's not ok for me to sleep half the day away. or for me to spend the other half of the day that i'm awake wasting it online. or watching "say yes to the dress," which has become my new pastime thanks to unemployment.

oh, yea, and there's that. i should probably find a job.

i have been auditioning. which is what i should be doing if i want to be an actor. but i should probably audition a little more. i keep hoping that maybe, just maybe, i'll walk away one of the lucky ones and book a gig. that'd be a dream right now. then i could avoid having to find a job that i know i'll eventually hate which will make me awfully ungentlemanly. because, let's face it, sometimes i'm bad at work. not at doing a job. i'm really effing good at doing jobs. but i will admit, 2010 was the year of anthony playing hooky at work. and if i'm gonna save for a wedding (and be a gentleman in the process) i can't do that. it's just plain irresponsible of me. and that's one of the things i hated about myself last year that i want to change this year. i used to be an overachiever. what happened to that version of me?

the good thing, i think, is that i have managed to work on some of my bad habits here. i know they're silly, but the contacts and the birthdays are all little steps in the right direction. i just have to keep on myself to stay motivated. and i know i have it in me. we're only at the beginning of week 3. i still have 49 weeks of this year left. i have a lot of time ahead of me. so at least i'm pacing myself, right?

the main point is that i don't beat myself up. i will just keep moving forward. i will try not to slip backward. and eventually i'll end up in a completely different place from where i've started. i just have to get out of the comfortable terrain of this habitual environment i've created so that i can find the energy to change things.

i've gotta get out of these flatlands and find myself a mountain range for a while.

12. a gentleman goes to the theatre

today was exhausting. who knew being a gentleman could be so mentally draining? fortunately, it was one of the first days of this whole enterprise where i walked away feeling like i was actually getting somewhere.

my day started off with an audition. which went brilliantly, thank you for asking. after putting myself through so much unnecessary emotional strife yesterday, i made it a point to focus on how i was treating myself today. i guess it helps that my audition went well. but even so, the whole experience was completely different from yesterday. yesterday i was trapped in my head. today, i was free. free from the debilitating thoughts that crippled me yesterday. i don't know how i did it, i just know that i did. and hopefully i can do it again. and again. because it felt good not to walk away from the audition with a few unnecessary self-inflicted mental bruises.

then i went to the theatre. my friend jessica invited me to the opening night of the importance of being earnest on broadway, which was incredible. and the perfect play for me to see while on this journey. the play pokes fun at the heart of my project, and i think it was important for me to laugh at myself a little bit, because i've taken my thoughts so seriously these past few weeks.

while at the theatre, i was able to test out a few of the guidelines i've read about, like actually turning off my cell phone instead of just silencing it for the duration of the play. and facing people as i passed by them to get to my seat instead of turning my back towards them. everything i did came across naturally and didn't feel imposed in any way.

being at the theatre and seeing a play that was written over a decade ago took me back in time. i didn't feel like i was living in 2011. i really felt like a gentleman of another time. and i liked the feeling. i liked feeling cultured and sophisticated. i'll have to remind myself to do a little more of this sort of thing this year - because i don't see nearly as much theatre as i should, especially for being an actor.

after jessica and i parted, i stopped by rob's bar to see him. i had a drink and some dinner and while there, some friends stopped by. my skills were tested a little as a young lady i was unfamiliar with latched onto me in conversation. but i kept things moving and turned into this dazzlingly charming young man who even escorted her outside in the cold for a cigarette, even though i don't smoke or even like it that much.

but once i finally got home, i crashed. it may have been because it was a late night, but keeping everything going was tiring. i loved it, though, as silly as it all sounds. because i felt good about myself the whole time.

11. the golden rule

i went to an audition today.

i know. sometimes i forget i'm trying to be an actor. it was my first audition of the new year, actually. lately i've been focusing a lot on my personal life - which is something i'd seriously neglected for years. right after graduating college, nothing was more important to me than work. i even ended my then relationship because of the uncertainty of my future. my uncertain future became a few theaters in the states, then a two year contract in japan. then, finally, new york. which turned into a job touring north america. but then rob came along, literally out of the blue in, of all places, new jersey. and that's when it all came to a halt. because nothing was more important than developing my relationship with him. but now that my personal life actually has a steady foundation (i mean, we are getting married. i don't know what's more steady than that), i've realized that it's time i start focusing on my career again. i owe it to me and i owe it to rob.

so i went to that audition today.

and as i was on the train down to penn station this morning, i seriously thought i'd be blogging tonight about how the snow makes everyone angry. because, seriously, it does. all good manners go out the window the minute things become "inconvenient" and "difficult" for everyone. and let's not start on how many angry people i've encountered because of train delays. woof.

but that wasn't my moment of enlightenment today. no, my moment of enlightenment came after my audition.

i've publicly vowed to devote this year to becoming a better man for everyone else. to be more dependable, to be more sincere, to be lists of things i've already babbled off. but i don't think i've actually vowed to become a better man for me.

i know i've said i'm hoping to change how i feel. i know i've written about wanting to feel "better." i know i'm hoping that by the end of this year i'll be elevated. that being a gentleman will somehow help me find inner peace. but i haven't realized, until today, that being nice and gentle to everyone else isn't as important as being nice to myself.

that's what i noticed today at my audition. i know that every occupation comes with its own hazards. well, one of the hazards of acting (or any profession in the arts, for that matter) is self loathing. and i, for one, have a serious problem when it comes to not being able to support myself. or to trust myself. i'm one of those actors that gets trapped in the pitfalls of auditions. i over analyze what's happened and try to figure out what i did wrong. i critique myself to no end. and even when something doesn't seem to work out because of something i have absolutely no control over, like my height, i still can't give myself permission to just be satisfied with what i've done.

today i had a perfectly acceptable audition. sure, it wasn't absolutely perfect, but it was good. better than good, even. but i still left the building beating myself up. for absolutely no reason. and then i took my feelings out on rob. just because he was home when i got home. and let's be honest, none of that was very gentlemanly.

but i couldn't help myself. and that's when it dawned on me. before i can be a gentleman out in the world, i need to be a gentleman in my own skin.

i need to be nice to myself.

so this is my new golden rule. before i can start treating others the way i want to be treated, i have to treat myself the way i want (and deserve) to be treated.

so tomorrow, i'm going to try and cut myself a little slack. i know it won't be easy, but what i'm ultimately trying to do is replace a bad habit with a good one. it's just going to take a little effort and repetition. but hopefully it won't be too long before i'm treating myself the way i'm treating the rest of the world. and what more can any of us really ask from ourselves?

10. snow

it's snowing.

i really like snow.

there's something special in how she tucks us away in her safe white blanket, encouraging us to stay at home and to spend time being cozy and comfortable with loved ones.

some of my fondest memories of childhood were snow days. those magical days when we all awoke to the best news ever: no school. only bundling up and building snowmen, eating snow cream, and putting our bodies into states of near exhaustion.

there was this one wintery day when i was in seventh grade where i hadn't done my math homework for the day. the bus had just dropped us off at school and we were all gathering in the gym, waiting for the bell to ring (my middle school had bus riders and car riders all gather in the gymnasium before we made our way to homeroom). i was stressing out inside a little when one of my friends reached over and picked an eyelash off my cheek.

"you have an eyelash" she said. "here, make a wish."

the only thing i could think to do was wish for it to snow.

right before math class, it started snowing heavy enough for school to be cancelled. we were dismissed early. and it was magical.

too bad i still didn't do my math homework. i was too busy playing.

it's unfortunate that real life doesn't have a snow day every once and a while.

watching the snow arrests me. i could sit and stare out my window forever as those delicate white flakes as they gently descend from the heavens and grace our muddled streets with what seems like a beautiful gift from the gods.

like a blank word processing document or sheet of printer paper, the snow is a untouched canvas of possibility. for all of us.

and it reminds me of peace. and everything i'm trying to accomplish this year. forgetting the etiquette, the rules of style, the social graces - what is most important to me this year is that i truly embody the gentle man.

i want to be a man of peace. of kindness. of consideration. of chivalry and honor.

and i will let the snow be a reminder as i trudge through it tomorrow to hold doors and to say please and thank you. to give up my seat on the subway if need be. to not just force my way through the storm, but to help others survive her with me. unselfishly. so that we may all enjoy this snow day. together.

9. 1 and done

week one of this year. over.

week one of this project. finished.

ok, realistically, it's been nine days, which is more than a week. but it's sunday night, and tomorrow is the beginning of a new week, so i'm just rounding down a little for my own sanity. i hope that's ok with everyone.

so how do i feel so far? what have i done? and where am i at?

well, so much has happened this week that it's been hard to gage exactly what i've accomplished. i started out the year in new york with a whim of an idea that i turned into a project overnight. the project, of course, was (and still is) a very cerebral idea in need of some serious planning. but after some brainstorming, i did manage to sort of figure out what it is i'm trying to do.

my trip home was interesting. i didn't really get much done in nc. which is understandable. i made a few observations about myself, but i was focusing less on being a gentleman and more on trying to find some normalcy in my family life. which, to a certain extent, i was able to find.

and then we came back to new york. and that's when things fell apart. at first, i didn't really understand what was going on. i didn't understand why my world had suddenly turned upside down. of course, that's what happens when you're in the middle of a storm. it's hard to see through the wall of rain. you just have to sit it out and wait. because once it passes and the blue skies finally come back out, you can see the landscape again.

i've been really cryptic since i got back to new york. i haven't known how to write about what's been going on. and i've also been trying to stay respectful. and i'm not going to lie, the idea that a gentleman keeps his personal information at bay did cross my mind once or twice. and i definitely considered the thought that maybe i shouldn't talk about certain things.

but that's not why i'm here. and obscuring the truth isn't what i'm trying to do. i'm here to chronicle what i'm experiencing. and there's no need to hold back. the thing is, i have to wait until i've calmed down before i write anything. a gentleman doesn't say anything irrational. or try to hurt anyone's feelings intentionally. nor does he speak out of spite or anger. if i had actually written anything concrete over the last few days, i would have probably said something i'd end up deleting. or heavily editing.

but i won't regret posting this. and the only editing i'll do is to make it better.

so it all started with christmas.

the week before christmas was hard for me. partly because i couldn't go home to spend time with my family due to work. and partly because i knew how badly my family wanted me there. especially my father. which was a very big step for our relationship.

see, having my parents come to terms with my sexuality has been a long road. mostly because i tend to run away from my problems, so instead of facing the issue head on, i've skirted around the subject. i had always wished i had the courage to just confront them, but i could never do it. i was paralyzed from fear. that is, until rob. when things started getting serious between us, i let my family know. i told my mom that i had met someone special and that we had moved in together. she didn't respond directly, but she acknowledged that she had heard the information.

and so a year passes. we spoke very little about rob during that time. mostly just about the day to day aspects of my life. work. auditions. the weather. our conversations stayed on the surface.

and then rob proposed. and it was no longer an option to withhold my life from my family. i wanted to share the news with my parents. so i did. i let my parents know separately. and i got very different responses. my mom was openly excited for me. for the first time ever, we had a conversation regarding my sexuality that was filled with pride and joy. she was genuinely happy for me.

my experience with my father, however, was completely different. it's not that he wasn't happy for me. he's just a very traditional man. so showing his support was difficult for him. he congratulated me very simply and left me with a few words of wisdom regarding whether or not i was ready for this sort of commitment (since marriage is forever). and that was that. it was short. it was clinical. he said the words he needed to say with very little emotion behind them. and that was that. and because of our lack of genuine communication, i walked away from our conversation completely unsure as to how he was really feeling. so instead of relief, i was afraid that he was only saying what he thought i wanted to hear. and feeling something else.

and then it was suddenly christmastime. i had just gotten a new job where i was scheduled to work the day before and after christmas. so traveling home was out of the question. i didn't have enough money to fly and i certainly didn't have time to drive or take a train. so i settled on staying in the city.

i was fine with my decision up until i got a voicemail from my father a week and a half before christmas. now, you have to understand, my father doesn't call me. i communicate primarily with my mother. when i do talk to dad, it's when i've called the house and the phone gets handed off mid-conversation. but this time, he called me. he reached out. when i called him back, he asked me point blank why i wasn't coming home. because, as i learned, he was worried i wasn't coming home because i felt like i was unwelcome.

that, in itself, was a huge step forward for us. he told me i could bring rob home if i wanted. he even offered to drive to new york and pick us up if need be.

he wanted to see me. and that melted my heart and made me hate myself for not being able to go home. so to make up for missing christmas, rob and i made plans to go down the first week of january. rob was going to take off work. and i was going to be unemployed as of january 2nd, so the timing was perfect. i told my family and my parents were excited. dad even offered to drive us back to new york once our trip was over.

so that's what we did. we went down to north carolina overnight on the second, and when it was time to head back to the city, mom, dad, rob and i piled in the car and made the trip overnight.

our time in nc was great. rob got to see where i grew up. and he was welcomed into my home with open arms from both my parents.

but then we got to new york. and something in my father changed overnight. he wasn't the joyous man we had met in burlington. he was angry. cold. distant. he didn't talk. he didn't look us in the eyes. he was avoiding us.

i'm not entirely sure what triggered it, but i'm pretty sure it was a picture. a picture of me with rob's family on a cruise we all took together in may. something about seeing me as a part of rob's family, something about seeing the home we had built together upset him. (my father hasn't admitted to any of this. but i'd bet my life on it.)

so i was hurt. and angry. and i felt betrayed.

i had just taken this giant step towards finding normalcy when i took rob home to meet my parents. and when things went well, i felt like maybe this rift between us could finally go away. finally i could have an open relationship with my family like so many other people do. but as soon as we got here, all of that changed. all of that progress suddenly meant nothing. and it was all because of my father.

before they left last night, i tried to confront my dad. i tried to find out exactly what happened that upset him. but since he didn't answer, i decided to shoot what rob has confirmed was bourbon.

the past few days have been a test of my abilities to hold things together. my emotions have been all over the place. and now that i've come out on the other side, i'm proud of myself. i kept my composure. i still managed to enjoy my time with my mother. i tried my best to stay respectful to my father, even when he was avoiding me emotionally. i tried my best to do everything within my power to make him comfortable.

but it was he who refused what i had to offer. i made every concession imaginable. and he pushed me away. and besides writing this post, which he might find to be a betrayal of his trust, i did what i think a gentleman would do.

so maybe i'm not as bad off as i think i am. i mean, rob and i did go to dinner tonight at a pretty fancy restaurant, and i tried really hard to follow all the rules of fine dining and felt like a fraud. so i clearly have some work to do to truly embody that ease and grace and confidence of being a gentleman. but at least i know i have it in me. if i can handle what i handled this week, i can handle anything.

so bring it on week two. bring it on.

8. conflict resolution

i voluntarily drank whisky for the first time tonight. but not for fun. i didn't bother to take the time to sip slowly from my glass in order to enjoy the flavor. i didn't take time to savor the warm, spicy liquor as it met my lips and slid down the back of my throat. nor did i even have time to pour it over ice. i just swallowed it. in one big gulp from a pretty good sized glassful. and it felt good.

i've never been driven to drink before. but today was just one of those days where i needed to do something outrageous. so i settled on whisky. it was either that or run naked around the block in the falling snow. and though i was reallllly tempted to streak, i thought it would be more gentlemanly to take a shot of whisky. which i'm sure isn't actually all that gentlemanly. but it was the lesser of two evils. especially after i remembered there was a high school track meet going on down the block.

my emotional reactions have been really tested over the past few days, and besides my uncharacteristic alcoholic binge, i feel like i've done a pretty good job keeping my composure. i may have been a wreck inside, but outside i was pretty much in control.

7. testing, testing, 1,2,3...

i know it's only been 7 days, but i don't feel like much of a gentleman today.

on a scale of 1 to gentleman, i feel like a little boy.

that might be because i'm with my parents. i've probably reverted back to childhood since i just spent almost a week in my kiddie bedroom. but it could also be because, well, let's face it, i'm still a little boy.

it's funny how much power certain people hold over me. how someone else's mood can dictate mine. how the change in the tone of someone's voice can thicken the air in a room and form knots in my stomach so tight they leave me a mess, wondering what to do with myself.

and when i'm a mess, i start to question everything. things feel like they're unravelling. and i lose faith.

i was at a barnes and noble a few days after christmas and i came across a horoscope book outlining the yearly forecast for all the signs. i picked it up, thumbed through until i found leo, and read about how the planets alignment this year will affect me. apparently leo's are starting a religious journey.

is this my religious journey? is gentlemanship my new religion?

best case scenario, when this year is over, i will have my life together. cinched. tight. things won't make me feel like i feel now. i won't have moments where i feel helpless. i'll be in control. and confident. at peace. difficult things will roll off my back. i will move through life with grace. nothing will bother me. nothing will bring me down. i will be zen.

shit. should i have made 2011 the year of meditation?

here's the question of the day: what do gentlemen feel? after all of the manners and social graces and self reserve, after the staunch moral principle, after knowing how to dress and what to say and which knife to use (and in which hand), after knowing what wine to serve with dinner and figuring out the difference between brandy and scotch and whisky and everything else i hope to ingest this year, what will i feel?

what will i feel? because i'm pretty sure any "how to" guide i pick up isn't going to tell me what a gentleman feels. rules and etiquette, yes. feelings, no.

and my question: will i really feel better? "better"? will i feel elevated? will i feel relieved of stress? because somehow, i think i will. at least i hope i will. because in my head, the math all seems to work out. because in my head, when i've ironed out the wrinkles, when the puzzle has been put together, and when everything is in its place, i'll find that illusive happiness i've been searching for. i'll find everything i've been missing. i'll be better.

right?

who am i kidding? i've read dickens. actually, who am i really kidding? i read cliffsnotes' dickens. i don't really remember what i'm supposed to remember (it has been 10 years after all...oy) but i think he wrote about unhappy gentlepeople. or were they more disgruntled?*

am i going to be unhappy? disgruntled with a really good sense of style?

well, we'll see, won't we? because i've spent waaayyyy too much time invested in designing the banner for this blog to quit now. besides, every good journey of enlightenment requires a little self doubt in the beginning, right?

so here we go. testing, testing, 1,2,3...

*note to self, re-read dickens.

6. gameplan

i've danced around the subject for long enough, and after almost a week of pondering, i've finally decided to tackle the hard stuff: my gameplan.

so what am i actually going to do?

the trouble with these sorts of projects is that i can do whatever i want. which means i can start wherever i want.

so first things first, i guess. i have to finish "How to Be a Gentleman." i've been so focused on spending time with my family (and doing free laundry - thanks mom!) that i haven't had any time to read. that should change tomorrow, though, when mom, dad, rob and i all drive back to new york (yup, we're taking this family love fest on the road. after a few days here in nc it's time for mom and dad to try out ny for a change). assuming i don't drive (which i probably will - at least part of the way) i should be able to finish, since it isn't a very long book.

unfortunately, the book isn't really a roadmap. it's more of a playbook filled with scenarios and solutions. so i'm still going to be in uncharted territory once i finish. but i'll at least have some direction. i think. i should have a better idea of what a gentleman "is" - at least according to john bridges - which means a better idea of what i have to do to become one.

i also have a few ideas of my own i've been toying around with. i should probably make a list. i have a feeling a gentleman is supposed to be organized.

i have this idea in my head that gentlemen are very well rounded individuals. that they're very knowledgeable. about many things. many of which i know absolutely nothing. like whiskey. and scotch. and brandy. that is, if they're not all the same thing. because i think i heard once that scotch and whiskey were the same. maybe.

and wine. i love a good sweet dessert wine. and i have no problem drinking an entire bottle of champagne by myself. but i don't really know anything else about vino. plus, i've never really liked it. which just seems wrong. and i think i lack a real appreciation for wine because i don't know anything about it. so i should probably try to learn a little something.

and then there's food. and i mean good food. i really have the worst diet imaginable, mainly because i'm lazy, but also because i just don't cook. i think i know how to cook, but i just don't know what to cook. and i'm pretty sure i should know by now how to work some magic on a nice cut of meat.

so there's those things. and then there's exercise. and this is really going to be one of the hardest things imaginable, because i'm so morally against working out, it just seems weird to me. but i'm pretty sure it's a requirement for a gentleman to take care of his body. i mean, i'm pretty sure gentlemen have to be able to duel and fence and stuff. so i should probably learn how to use a sword.

but i don't have a sword, nor do i know where to get a sword. i did suck it up, however, and buy a new pair of running shoes. and i'm pretty sure this is the first new pair of tennis shoes i've owned since high school. which was *gasp* ten years ago this year. so i've at least got a pair of shoes to work out in. i guess i should ask my brother, the personal trainer, what exactly i should do. i could always try p90x because rob ordered it last year, but i just feel like working out with a dvd is cheating. i feel like i should be rowing or boxing or playing rugby or something. none of those things sound exciting to me, but i'm going to have to settle on something.

and then there's my wardrobe. which is actually not that bad. i think i just need to spruce it up a bit. maybe learn a new thing or two. and definitely stop wearing ratty clothes in public.

and on top of all of those things - and not to mention the list of others i'm going to end up compiling before this week is out, i have to find a job.

yea, i failed to mention that i'm currently unemployed. only since new year's eve. but still. my last job was temporary and now that it has finished, i need something else to do. and i'm at a loss for what. i really wish someone would just put me on broadway already, but i know fate doesn't want it to be that easy for me. so i'll keep trying. but in the meantime, i need to pay my bills. and i'd really like to be able to support myself doing something i enjoy. i'm just not sure what i enjoy anymore.

so there's that, too. because i definitely can't afford to be a gentleman on unemployment.

so that's the rough draft of my gameplan. it needs a little ironing out* but it'll get there. i do have all year, after all.

*i just realized i don't own an ironing board. i'm pretty sure i'll be hunted down by the extraordinary league of gentlemen if i don't get one. because i have a lot of clothes to press.

5. the dinner table

i was helping mom clean up after dinner tonight and she looked at me and said "i'm really glad this is happening."

the only words i could get out of my mouth were "me too." i always wondered what it would be like to bring someone home to meet my parents, but i could never actually imagine it. i guess because i never thought it would happen. partly because i never thought i'd meet someone worth bringing home. and partly because i never thought i'd have the guts.

but here we are. day two is almost over. and it couldn't be going better.

we've eaten dinner together as a family (at the dining room table!) for the past two nights. other than special occasions, we didn't really eat together very much while i was growing up. dinner was a grab-and-go sort of thing, and i got really good at eating on the couch (not very gentlemanly, i'm afraid). of course, to our defense, it's hard getting a family together when everyone is all over the place. dad worked third shift for a while, so he was usually asleep when dinner was served. i always had some after school activity that ran late and then had hours of homework to get through. arick played every sport imaginable, which meant he was always practicing somewhere. and mom spent a while working a part time job on top of her normal 9 to 5. so we didn't get a lot of dinner time action together. and then i left for college, and it was all down hill from there.

i don't think i've ever really understood, or grasped, the importance of the dinner table until now. it was never really part of my childhood. only something we did when we had to. which has unfortunately transferred into my adulthood. couch dining seems to be my specialty. but there's something so important about taking time out of a busy day to spend with loved ones. there's something so civil in turning off the television and leaving cell phones in the other room and just paying attention to the people at the table.

i always forget how incredible my parents are. with all the miles between us, i tend to forget how wise my father is. how he can just talk for hours about anything and everything. i forget how full of life my mother is. how she just attacks a conversation full speed ahead with so much force and energy. my parents are unapologetically themselves. so comfortable in their skin. and i admire that about them.

the gentleman i want to become is unapologetically himself. he is totally comfortable in his skin and he attacks life with vigor and excitement.

and he should try, at all times, to eat dinner at a table. preferably surrounded by wonderful company.

4. home

i'm home.

no, not new york home. but north carolina home.

rob and i drove down overnight so he could finally meet my parents. that's right. he's meeting the parents. and we're spending the week here.

i met rob's family pretty early in our relationship. he's lucky. they're on long island so they're close enough that if we ever want to see them, all we have to do is hop on a train and we're there in a little over an hour. getting to north carolina, however, isn't that easy. both physically and, well, metaphorically. because let's be real about this, rob communicates with his family way more than i do with mine.

i wasn't kidding when i said i'm not good at keeping in touch with people. but at least i don't discriminate.

i've actually used this as an argument to try and soothe angry friends: "listen, it's really not you. i just don't call anyone. even my mother. don't take it personally. please?" (a gentleman says "please" and "thank you" readily and often.)

but seriously, rob has a much different relationship with his family than i do with mine.

i love my parents. and i love my brother. very much. if there's one thing my family values more than anything else in the world, it's love. love is the principle by which i live my life, and this i have single-handedly learned from my parents. so i have a very deeply rooted affection for my family that will never die. the thing is, we just don't talk. around the time i finally came to terms with my sexuality, i noticed that a rift had developed between me and them. we were separated. i stood on one side with my dark and twisty secrets and they stood on the other side. and i was scared. i was petrified that my being gay was the one thing that would absolutely destroy my family's love for me. so that rift stayed in tact. and instead of letting my parents and my brother know about the ins and outs of my life, i became the enigmatic son living in japan, then moving to new york, then touring the country on a national tour. i was always busy. and it was easy for me to stay that way. i'd come home for christmas, but that was it. sometimes months would go by between phone calls home. now i'm not heartless. there were definitely times when i'd ache for things to change, but i'd ultimately determine that it was too stressful* and difficult. so things would stay as they were. instead of feeling excited for a phone call home, i would have a slight panic attack. there was just something so profoundly powerful in my fear. something paralytic, which kept me from taking the steps necessary to open up to my family.

until rob.

opening up to my brother was easy. even though i came out to him long before i ever met rob, i still kept him at an arms length. i guess i didn't know how he'd respond to actually interacting with my life. but then i met rob. and it wasn't long before arick met rob, too. and of course they hit it off famously. to quote arick, "rob likes me better than you."

seeing arick really accept my life was the catalyst i needed to try and tackle my parents. which hasn't been easy. i definitely had some cowardly moments last year. but i also managed to surprise myself. and so here i am now, sitting in my childhood bedroom with rob. i'm typing on the computer while he reads a novel on his ipad.

this trip couldn't have come at a more appropriate time. it's only the third day of the new year and i am already on what i hope to be my most incredible journey of self-discovery yet. and i can't really think of a better place to be than my childhood home. with my parents. and my grandmother. opening up the lines of communication that have been on hold for longer than i'd like to admit. in order for me to become this "gentleman," i have to let this stunted child grow up. i have to release my fears and face them, head on. i have to build new relationships. and make old relationships better. and stronger. and where is the best place to start? home.



*have you noticed yet that my head is fraught with anxiety? i'm really hoping that gentlemen are free from stress...

3. better man

i went to the store earlier today to get milk. just a carton of milk. rob needed milk for his coffee and we were out, so i threw on my shoes and walked to gristedes for him. it's only just around the corner and i figured a gentleman is agreeable and does nice things like run errands for the one he loves. so i went. even though i really didn't want to leave the apartment again (i had already been outside once to walk the dog, even after beating rob in a determining game of rock-paper-scissors that was supposed to keep me from the chore, but that whole "what would a gentleman do" bent my arm into kind submission. plus rob looked so cute in his PJ's). but instead of saying "i'm not the one who needs milk for my coffee" i said "i love you, give me five dollars."

as soon as i got back from the store, the first thing rob did was drink straight from the carton. i waited a minute before punching him in the shoulder and then he laughed at me.

"i was waiting to see what you'd do," he said. "besides, i still don't see why that's a rule."

on the one hand, i get it. on the other, i see rob's point. which brings up the first question i have to answer before i can go any further in my quest: what exactly is a gentleman?

i still have to read "How to be a Gentleman," which i know will open my eyes to tons of wisdom that will spell out what a gentleman should and should not do (like what to do should i meet the queen and the pope at the same time). but will it actually define what exactly a gentleman is? before i can go any further in this journey, it's imperative that i start off by figuring out what my destination is. who is this gentleman i hope to become?

in the most basic sense, i want to become a better man. i want to let go of the bad habits i've picked up along the way and replace them. with something. better. greater. more dignified.

so in an effort to start out on the right path, i've tried out a few small things. they're certainly not resolutions and they probably won't stick, but i feel like they're helping me to at least keep up my awareness of gentlemanly qualities. for instance, i made it a point to wish my facebook friends a happy birthday yesterday and today. i plan on trying to keep up with this one. usually i don't pay attention to the birthday list (because apparently it takes so much effort to do so) but if they're my friends i should be wishing them a happy birthday. that's a nice thing to do. and gentlemen do nice things. also, i made it a point to eat dinner at the dining room table yesterday. off a plate, even. i felt like it went along with the "not drinking milk out of the carton" thing. it doesn't matter that i had dinner alone at home last night and that no one saw me go through the effort of plating my food and clearing off a spot at the table. what matters is that i thought i owed it to myself to have a nice dinner - and not to eat like a slob on the couch. today, when i got dressed, i put a tie on instead of just throwing on the same thing i wore yesterday, like i often do when i'm lounging around at home.

the biggest thing i've attempted to do over the past two days, which has been the hardest thing to overcome because it's my biggest fault that drives all of my friends crazy, is respond to virtually every correspondence that's come my way. i still have a few missed calls to return, but i've made it a point to respond to every text message, phone call and email that's made it to me. i get so in the habit of pushing things off and saying "ah, i'll get to it later," so that later turns into hours which turn into days which eventually become weeks and then i've turned into that jerk who just doesn't respond. and once we've hit that mark, where it's been at least a week, some kind of anxiety takes me over that just keeps me from doing anything about it. i've been like that for as long as i can remember and if i didn't have such understanding friends, i don't think i'd have friends at all.

but, see, my friends deserve better. and so do i. and so i'm trying. and i know it's not going to be easy to just change 27 years of habit, but it's getting to the point where if i don't do something, i very well may end up alone.

so it's time i suck it up and become a better man. for me, and rob, and everyone we know.

2. the oath

i slept in pretty late today. i mean, let's be honest since this is a blog, and blogs are meant for honesty: we didn't get home until almost 5 am last night. but to our defense, it wasn't entirely out fault. first of all, it was new year's eve. no one gets home early on new year's eve. secondly, there were five of us coming back to the apartment (since we had friends staying over after our new year's celebration). because we all couldn't fit in a normal cab, we tried hailing a van, but when there were no vans anywhere to be seen, we settled on taking the train home, which is always a mistake after 2 am in new york city because it takes forever.

needless to say, the late night train ride plus the effects of the celebratory champagne equaled waking up around 2:30, so even though i haven't had much time to dedicate to being a gentleman today i have managed to take a few steps forward on my new path.

i started with a book rob and i were given for christmas from rob's aunt pat.

when i settled on becoming a gentleman this year, i had almost forgotten about getting this book. but then i saw it sitting under our christmas tree today, so i picked it up to see if i could use it as a road map for my venture into this new world of change and self-discovery. i hadn't finished the first page when my eyes stumbled upon a lesson i wasn't sure i had the willpower to follow.

"Even if he lives alone, a gentleman never drinks milk directly from the container."

i groaned a little and then read the sentence aloud to rob, who was playing on his ipad across the room. "i don't think i'll be good at following this," i said. "i drink out of the carton all the time. and i don't live alone, which makes it worse."

with his eyes still on his ipad, rob said "ok, that's a bit much. some of those rules might be fine for when you're in public but it shouldn't matter what a man does behind closed doors when he's alone."

to which i surprised myself by responding: "but it's the principle behind it. a monk isn't just a monk while people are watching him be a monk and then he abandons those values and that way of life when he's alone behind closed doors. if you've chosen to be a gentleman, it's not just a show you put on for people, it's a way of life."

silence.

"touche."

my choosing to be a gentleman is my choosing to take an oath with myself to hold myself to a set of higher ideals, to a way of life that will make me better. even if the things i do are things people won't understand or even notice (like not drinking from the milk carton) they are building blocks for the new foundation i'm building myself. for the new life i'm creating that will affect both me and the world i inhabit.

so today, on this first day of this new year of this new decade, i will be taking an oath, the oath of the gentleman.

1. the year of the gentleman

it all started with a scale. this scale, to be exact...

i've never been one for scales. or checking my weight. or keeping track of my weight or doing anything to maintain my weight, for that matter. i just tell people i weigh what i think (and hope) i weigh and leave it at that. so normally i wouldn't begin a story with a scale. but i saw this scale at bed bath & beyond and couldn't help myself. it's handsome. sexy, even. masculine with a touch of zen. and i had to have it.

so i whipped out my wad of newly acquired christmas money (thanks mom and dad - money is always exciting, no matter how old you get), handed it over to the cashier, and bought it - this scale, for my bathroom. my brother, who was with me at the time and buying himself a game storage ottoman for his new apartment (and his new xbox), laughed at me. my brother, the personal trainer, who's practically lived at the gym for the past eight months, who has always been well aware of his weight (and his body mass index and his diet) laughed at me. i think he figured i'd take myself out to mcdonald's with my christmas money. but no. i bought myself a scale.

in my head, it was all for my fiance anyways. well, it was for the both of us, because i figured since i am approaching thirty it might be nice to start taking better care of myself, but it was with him in mind that i actually made the purchase. once the holiday season started up, so did rob's talks of tightening up both his diet and his abs after the new year. so when i saw this scale, i thought buying it would be a nice gesture of support for his resolution (because as much as i hate to admit it, i might not always be the most supportive).

but once i got the scale home and out of the box, it suddenly took on new meaning for me. i found that every time i'd step into the bathroom, i'd step up on the wooden boards to check my weight. it started out of excitement, that new purchase joy that causes everything new to become a toy that must be played with as much and as often as possible. but then it turned into something else. genuine curiosity must have taken over, i think, because i started asking questions like how much weight do i shed when i take off my clothes? how much weight to i lose when i use the bathroom? that sort of thing. but something else happened. the scale had become something else. something more.

it had become a beacon. a beam of light that found its way into all of the dark corners in my life and brightened my eyes to who i was slowly becoming. something as simple as a fucking bathroom scale managed to make me realize that my life, if i stayed on the track i was on, would spiral out of control and into oblivion. and i realized that change was necessary.

now before i go any further, i have to say that this isn't about my weight. sopping wet i weigh 153 lbs (trust me, i weighed myself last week after a shower) which is well within the normal parameters of my healthy height/weight ratio. no, this is about something else. it's about my attitude. it's about how i approach life. not knowing my weight is a sort of metaphor. everyone should know how much they weigh. you don't need to check it all the time, but you still need to know. until i bought this scale, i have no idea when was the last time i actually checked.

somewhere around turning 16, i picked up the philosophy that everything happens for a reason and it has stuck with me ever since. over a decade later i've learned how to use that philosophy to justify absolutely everything that happens to me and in turn how to let go of virtually all responsibility, even for something as banal as knowing how much i weigh. looking down at that bathroom scale opened my eyes to this face. somehow this scale managed to show me so much more than just how much mass gravity is pulling into the earth. it opened my eyes to my bad habits, to my faults, and to everything i don't want to be.

so it was that scale that started it all. that forced me to take the first step into a journey i plan on pursuing this year. it was this scale that has inspired my newfound dedication to being the best possible man i can be and not just the mediocre version of myself i've become. everything may happen for a reason, but that doesn't mean i have to resign myself to just accept it. somehow this philosophy (with probably a dozen other factors adding into the mix) has created an apathetic monster.

an apathetic monster i will be no more...

so i have dubbed 2011 the year of the gentleman. i'm not entirely sure what that entails. i have no outline, no hypothesis. i don't even know who i'm going to be by the end of the year. but with my thirtieth birthday a few years away, my quarter life crisis finally behind me, and my wedding to the man i love more than life coming up later this year, it's time i finally step out of adolescence and into adulthood. no longer will i be the eternal teenager, but a gentleman.

so here we go.