39. tomorrow is new year's eve...

oh me.

what a year. i guess i fell off the grid a little while ago. figures. something i'm not particularly good at: following through with things. well, that's not entirely true - it really depends on the thing. i mean, i'm really great at sitting on the couch and watching entire seasons of television in one sitting. so i should amend my statement by saying i'm not good at following through with major projects that i set out to accomplish. unless it's work related (or involves television), it'll never get done.

2012 resolution maybe? nah...

i think i might forego resolutions altogether next year. i think resolutions are nice, but they end up being this inner battle where we pinpoint terrible things about ourselves and where we proclaim how we're going to change and why. and then we fail and beat ourselves up. well, i'm tired of looking at myself and judging what i see. i need to just accept who i am and where i'm at and call it a day. i guess that's what i've learned over 2011. i've spent so much time trying to be someone instead of just being who i am - gentleman or not. i will always have bad habits. i will always have things to learn. and there's nothing wrong with that.

38. let down your hair

sometimes i feel like rapunzel. and all i have is a window and a computer through which i experience the world. only, i've locked myself inside the tower and not some evil witch.

and when i feel that way, like i'm trapped, i write. i write to free myself. i write to free my mind from the stories in my head. i write to reach out to the world around me. and i write because sometimes it's the only way i know how to live.

i know that sounds super depressing but it's not mean to be. it's just a truth. i mean, i only really write when something heavy is on my mind. i don't write when things are easy. i write when things are hard.

i write when i need to let down my hair and climb out of the tower.

37. the truth

here's the thing...i need a job doing what i love. i need to do more than survival jobs. i'm tired of just getting by. i want a career. not just a hobby. i'm discouraged that auditions aren't leading to anything right now. i know i should be happy that i keep getting final callbacks for shows, but seriously, can't i just get cast? can't the universe pick me this time?

sometimes when i write i get cryptic. i talk in circles. around things rather than about them.

but i'm sad that the universe keeps choosing other people over me. it makes me lose faith in myself, in this career, in my choices...

i should buck up, i guess, deal with it all. but. it's. hard.

that's all.

36. funeral

I'm on my iPhone, so it's impossible for me to get into the groove of writing like I'd like to, but I'm on Long Island and my computer is in Manhattan, so I have no choice.

I went to a funeral today. Rob's uncle passed away last weekend unexpectedly and the service was today. Being the good boy that I am, I came out here to support him and his family. Nothing is worse than having to deal with unexpected death. That's something I had the pleasure of learning earlier this summer when my dog died. I was devastated. And I only had Russel for two years. So I can imagine the agony of losing a husband/father/favorite uncle/brother/friend. Clearly the grief is overwhelming and it's always good to be surrounded by love. So I came out to support my L.I. family. Naturally, it's what a gentleman would do.

Which is actually my first truly gentlemanly act in a while. It feels good to be getting my footing again after a long summer.

The thing about funerals that always gets to me is religion. Religion is such a tricky squirrel. And now, more than ever, I am so totally baffled by its mysteries. I've never really been all that religious. I went to church as a kid, but it seemed more of a social thing for my family than anything else. My brother and I went with mom. Dad stopped going pretty early on, which is strange since he's obviously the most religious person in my family. But the misanthrope in him kept him at home. Church for me was never really about God. It was about pagentry. Literally. It's where I got my first taste of theatre.

Eventually we stopped going. I was in middle school when that happened. I'm not sure why we stopped attending, exactly, but we did.

So the idea of God was never really impressed upon me growing up. Both of my parents have made mention of their spirituality every now and again, but it's such a personal relationship (and not one that I was ever really privy to) so that when I find myself in a place of worship for any reason, I am perplexed at this mass of people singing and chanting and proclaiming their love of God.

Now don't get me wrong. I understand the sociology and psychology of religion. And I have my moments where I realize there are voids in my life that could be filled by faith. But like all of the other holes in my life that need filling, I find that the social norms and the accepted ways of doing things are alien to me.

From time to time I meditate on the thought of God. The last time I did this was the summer between my freshman and sophomore years of college. Being in the church today made me wonder if it's time I do a little more digging. Especially being where I'm at in my life right now. I've lost faith in what I thought to be true this summer and I fear the only way I can move forward is to figure out what I want to believe in. Either find something new or solidify what I already thought to be true and realize this past summer was just a test of faith.

It's funny, I remember writing something earlier this year about making this year a religious quest, but the art of being a gentleman was to be my new religion. But maybe I need to take stock in my personal relationship with the abstract of god. The Bible, no, but God, yes.

We'll see, I suppose. It's at least worth the thought...

I used to put my faith in the universe. You could call that God or fate. But I believed wholeheartedly that everything had a reason and all things worked out the way they were meant to be. Personal experiences even proved that my life was being taken care of. The road may have been winding, but I was always able to, in hindsight, see how the road got me from there to here.

This summer, however, when dreams were lost and pain took over, faith left too. I know I'm not "here" yet, and I'm still on the path from "there" but I feel like I've been "there" for too long now. I'm restless and unhappy and I've seen so many possible "heres" come and go that I've started giving up on waiting for the destination to present itself. I guess I just feel like I've been left in limbo and this is the longest I've been stuck here. And that is why I write of not knowing how to fill my days. I'm so used to being directed and guided. My life feels like this constant path that I occasionally make pit stops at, and I've been looking for a pit stop for the past few miles with no signs of one in sight...

But faith would tell me that there's one ahead. There's always one ahead. I just have to keep moving forward in its direction. That's the real answer. The one constant I keep coming to. I have to keep moving.

35. midnight

why can't all life happen after midnight? this is when my brain comes alive. there's something about the stillness and the darkness and calm serenity of the sleeping city below me that activates the neurons in my brain. i write. i sing. i clean. i organize. it's almost 4:30 am and i'm happier now than i've been all day.

it's weird.

just a thought.

34. i keep coming back

weeeeelllllllllll.

it's official. i am a terrible blogger. terrible. this is a fact i've always known about myself, but i always seem to think there may be the chance that i'll change.

alas. i. have. not.

but i keep coming back. that's got to count for something, right?

right.

because when you set out on an epic journey of self discovery, you're going to have your ups and downs. clearly. but as long as you keep on trudging, you'll be fine.

i'm still trudging.

i've been really dramatic lately. really. ask rob, poor soul. he's the real gentleman here, having to deal with my sorry ass.

it's been a rough summer. and because it's been a rough summer, i shut down. completely. i resigned from the world for the first time in almost 6 years. the last time was back in college, and thankfully i had my best friends david and jennifer to pull me out. this time i had rob. and i'm not out of the woods yet, but i'm trying. which, as i've just figured out, stands for something.

i've also realized something else. i don't know how to live my life without being told what to do. seriously. i have no idea.

get this. i grew up at home. always had mom and dad and teachers and extra curricular activities tell me how to spend my time. then i went to college and had classes and work study and rehearsals and shows. i sort of broke down in the middle, but pulled things together senior year when i was super busy. then i graduated and started working professionally. i was lucky to work straight through for three years. first in NC. then in VA. then in Japan. those jobs kept me busy. and when i didn't fill up my days off, i just thought i was relaxing. it didn't bother me that i didn't really do much. unless i was traveling and site seeing, i'd sleep in and watch tv. play on the computer. maybe see someone or have dinner. but usually i'd just keep to myself and enjoy it. and then i moved to new york, where my life has been more my own than it's ever been because i haven't had a schedule to adhere to or places to be - and guess what. i started falling apart again. all this time on my hands, which i always thought was a gift, has in fact been killing me. when i work, it's always part time. my schedule is all over the map. auditions happen but it's up to me to go. no one is taking attendance. so if i decide not to go to an audition, there are no consequences other than not being seen (unless my agent sets up an audition. that's the only time i am held accountable). i have this entire life at my disposal - days and nights to do with as i please - and i'm doing nothing. it's overwhelming and stress inducing and i didn't realize this until just yesterday.

i need to figure out how to live my life. how to fill my days.

so maybe i should start with a schedule? in the movie about a boy, hugh grant talks about setting up his days in 30 minute increments. maybe i should do that. units of time. fill them up slowly. force myself to do the dishes. to do laundry. only play video games for an hour (and not 8). maybe i should start cooking dinner, and not just ordering in.

i have to take control. because i've completely lost it. i've let myself go and if i don't get it together, i'm a goner.

and i don't want to be a goner.

so here i go, again, stepping into tomorrow.

33. birthday

oh boy. oh boy oh boyohboyohboyohboy.

it's my birthday.

goodbye 27. heloooooo 28.

lately i've been really over facebook. it's been a huge source of frustration more than anything else. i've figured out that sometimes, spying on people only leads to news i'd rather not hear. of course, the real lesson here is that i need to accept that can't compare myself with other people. i'm on a different path. so my successes can't be compared to theirs.

clearly this is a hard truth for me to accept. but hopefully it's a pill i can swallow this year.

BUT back to facebook. facebook is always awesome on your birthday. ALWAYS. nothing feels better than waking up to hundreds of well-wishes. and you know what, i'll take that!

i'll also take this rain. thank you, new york, for that unexpected gift. it's been scorching lately. it's been so uncomfortably stifling.

so i'll take this rain. i'll take this cleansing shower. and i will rejoice. my soul is in need of it. my soul needs a baptism right now. because this last year has been wonderful and terrible and has taken me to higher highs and lower lows and i'm looking forward to this next year and the ride i'm strapping myself into.

so here we go 28. you and me. hand in hand. arms locked as we skip into the wild blue yonder we call life.

happy birthday. to. me.

32. russel

you think you hit low. and then you sink lower.

my dog died today. the heat was too much for him. the heat was too much for everybody, i guess.

i'm angry. and i feel numb. and i don't think i can cry enough tears for russel.

31. little victories

question:

what do you do when things are broken? when you've ruined your life and it's in scattered shards all over the floor?

answer:

you keep going.

step. by. step. until things make sense again.

wake up. check.

shower. check.

brush teeth. check.

go to work. check.

come home. check.

wash the dishes.

do the laundry.

walk the dogs.

cook (or, let's be really honest here - order in).

eat.

sleep.

repeat.

repeat.

repeat.

repeat until things seem normal again.

it isn't easy. getting out of bed is usually the hardest part. but as long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other, you'll make it. step by step. until yesterday is a week ago. and then it's a month ago. and then, eventually, it was a year ago and the scars are almost invisible.

it isn't easy. but we have to celebrate the little victories. make every single moment count. and keep going.

30. july

hello july.

you snuck up on me quick. i thought i'd have a little more time until you made it to the party. but alas. you're here. and you brought along with you so many sneaky little tricks tucked away in your summer satchel.

i'm not happy to see you. i'm sorry if that hurts your feelings, but you're the whistle blower, waking me up to the fact that 2011 is half over. thanks for reminding me. or depressing me, rather.

i started this year off so strong. with the best of intentions. but then i let them go.

oh july. why did things go south so quickly?

i've been trying to figure out exactly what went wrong. and the other day, as i was waiting for the A train to take me home, i pinpointed exactly what happened...

i lost control. of. my. life.

or rather, i realized i need to do something to TAKE control of my life.

there was a time in my life where i LOVED going with the flow. letting things work themselves out. trusting in god and the fates above and destiny and all that mythology, but not anymore.

july, you sneaky biotch, you have my birthday tucked away in your back pocket. and as i creep up to the edge of 28, i can't help but recognize the fact that i am NOT a little boy anymore. and as much as i'd love to live the spontaneous life, i just can't.

i can feel my soul slowly metamorphosing into an adult.

i know, july, you don't have to remind me that i still have problems waking up early. i don't think i'll ever fully be that kind of adult. but i have this need for stability stirring inside me. this need to sprout roots. to find some bricks and lay out a foundation and build a house and settle down.

that's what i'm feeling. and i can't fight it. and it's driving me craaazzzzyyyyyyyyy july. it's driving me insane. because you know what?! i chose to be an actor. i chose to be an artist. i chose to live this crazy gypsy life. and the only way you can really be successful is if you throw yourself to the wind and see where she takes you.

but i've been fighting the wind for a while now. and i'm at this place where i have to figure out what to do next.

what do i do july?!

do i give in to the urgings of my soul or do i give in to the wind?

so that's what i'm dealing with july. that's what i've been dealing with for a while now. i'm growing up. whether i like it or not. and i'm definitely turning into a man.

i just don't know how gentle will that man be...

29. off the wagon

i fell off the wagon.

this always happens when i dedicate myself to a project. i always, inevitably, lose motivation at some point. and that's what's happened these past few months.

i've just lost all sense of direction lately. and all of my gentlemanly aspirations have just gone down the drain.

after i finished this last show, i just found myself in this black hole. and i just lost all sense of self. i don't know what exactly happened. but april and may were terrible.

buuuuutttttt i'm picking up the pieces again. or trying to at least.

28. i'm still here

i know, i haven't been posting regularly lately. in truth, it's been a month since my last post. BUT that does not mean i am not still on my quest. because actually, i am still very much following the path of the gentleman.

so how am i doing? well, honestly, with three full months behind me, i'm proud to say i'm making strides. and while i'm still thinking about what it is i want to accomplish, i'm spending less time thinking and more time doing, which is the point. i want to change my instincts, so the fact that i'm doing things naturally speaks volumes about how i'm progressing.

this past month i've been going to the gym four times a week. which is huge for me. i've successfully lost some of my winter weight. and i'm beginning to change my body. and it feels so good to see the changes start to happen.

and i have to admit, going to the gym and seeing my weight drop and my body change feels so good. because it's the first time where i'm really seeing proof that i'm changing. because everything else has been mental. i've been working on how i think and what time i wake up in the morning - but working out shows results and motivates me to see more results. and it's proof that i am changing. and by the end of this year, if i keep it up, i really will have transformed into a different person. and that person is going to be a gentleman.

on a different note, today i tried some new shaving products and i have to admit to you right now that i'm obsessed. rob got a travel kit from the art of shaving and i tried it today (of course) and it was incredibleeeeee. as much as i like looking at myself in the mirror when i have two days worth of scruff, i also love staring at myself in the mirror on a day where i'm freshly shaven. and today, i can't stop staring at how good my skin looks. and i'm also obsessed with smelling like sandalwood. i felt like such a man using a brush to spread the shaving cream over my chin and neck. it was amazing and even though i love kiehls through and through, i can't wait to see how my relationship with the art of shaving blossoms. and i will, of course, share all of that information on here.

27. the gentleman returns

i know, i've been super awful this month at blogging. BUT i have an excuse, so please don't throw things at me! because i promise i am still on my quest to become a gentleman.

i've been reaaaaalllllyyyyy busy these past few weeks putting up a new show, and now that we've finally started doing shows, i'm getting a little bit of my time back. which means i can focus on more than waking up, going to work, coming home, walking the dog and going to bed.

so what have i been doing with the little bit of free time i have between shows?! besides wedding planning GALORE i've been going to the gym. well, at least for the past three days so far. but still, let's be completely honest. the last time i went to the gym was my junior year of college when i went to the wellness center all of two times with friends who were on a fitness kick. that was the last time i stepped foot in a gym.

so i've been taking advantage of the local gym on my down time. and i have to say, i love it. which totally surprises me, because that's so not something i ever expected to hear myself admit. but there's just something that feels so good about finishing an hour of cardio. and a gentleman takes care of himself. both inside and out. and since i've focused basically my entire life on working on my insides, it's time i suck up the gut and start working on these outsides of mine.

some of the cast feel the same way that i do, so we've started this little gym club, going when we have a few hours to kill. and it's been so great having people to go with, because even though we do our own thing, it's nice to have someone to go along with.

so that's what i'm focusing on now. getting my exercise routine together. among other things, but i'm really going to take advantage of the time i have here and the resources around me. because, let's be real, daddy isn't getting any younger and it's time i start taking care of myself for the future.

26. the sick gentleman

i've learned that it's impossible to be a gentleman when you're sick. because when my body is under attack, i revert back to a child. and it's so hard to be a gentleman when i just want someone to take care of me.

luckily, my schedule this past week has been pretty easy, so i've been able to take care of myself and recover. i've just had to sacrifice some social outings. but who wants to go out anyways when they're not feeling well? because there's nothing worse than trying to pretend to be happy and jovial in public when the truth is you feel like walking death.

i feel bad though, because i've also found that being sick has made me a little short tempered. and i've taken some of my feelings out on rob. like when he came home late the other night. he knew i wasn't feeling well, but still came home at 4am and woke me up - and then didn't get in bed until after 5 - so i was furious. i didn't understand why he wasn't being sympathetic. because if he wasn't feeling well, i would have come home so much earlier. so i got mad. it wasn't at all gentlemanly, but i couldn't help myself. in retrospect, i was being silly. but in the moment, i couldn't see past my sick induced anger.

eh. i guess you win some and lose some. at least i had the excuse of being sick. with a fever. and chills. it's hard to be polite when you're having chills in bed.

of course, now i'm making excuses. and i guess the real question is - do gentlemen make excuses. and we all know the answer is no.

but we live and we learn. so i'll just take this as a lesson and try not to be such a sissy bitch about being sick next time.

25. february

i still have ten months worth of kinks to shake out of my life, but when i got dressed for work today, i looked at myself in the mirror and felt this huge wave of accomplishment wash over me. today i started the job i've been patiently waiting a month for, and it felt good to wake up with a sense of purpose. i got up, got dressed, packed my leather bag and headed out to the professional world. and i felt amazing.

that feeling only elevated when i got to the studios and filled out my application for the actors union, because that means i'm legit now. if i was never legit before, this just seals the deal. and as i looked around the room at all the actors i was sharing space with, i felt blessed. it was a good feeling.

i've definitely had some days where i've done absolutely nothing this month and i've felt worthless. but i've also been more social this month than i have in the past 6. and today was another one of those days - starting a new job and making introductions. i know i have a lot of work left to do on this gentleman gig, but i feel little bits paying off.

hopefully with this new work schedule, i can really start to focus on creating a routine for myself. it was really hard to motivate myself to wake up and be productive when i had nothing to do. now i have a purpose and things to fill my hours with. so here's on to a new project just in time for march.

as for february, i've felt pretty good about my social interactions. i've had birthday dinners and surprise parties and bachelor parties to attend. i had valentine's day to celebrate and family to entertain and i'm not done with the meetings and events scheduled. so i'm proud of myself for getting out there into the world. i tend to shut myself away for some reason. but i still have a lot of work to do, because i have friends i need to see. like larry. it's been too long and that needs to change immediately. it's just hard when so much distance has happened - distance that's all my fault. and he's even made it a point to tell me he can put it behind him. it's not so easy for me.

i have to say rob has been a big help in this process without realizing it. we've had things scheduled and it's helped having him to answer to regarding our social calendar. i'm not always so good alone. i work really well in a pair though. i've always been that way, though. i guess that's why it feels so good wearing my engagement ring. i like knowing i belong to something. i'm not just wandering around aimlessly.

because i know i said i'm doing this all for me, and i'm definitely not taking that back, but it helps that i have someone to hold me accountable.

24. a gentleman skis

today i remembered two HUGE things about myself that i had forgotten...

1. i'm not good at learning new (and unfamiliar) things

2. i don't know how to laugh at myself

rob and i went skiing with our friend ari today. rob and ari are both brilliant skiers. i had never been before. so i wasn't entirely sure how the day was going to pan out. i will admit, when we were leaving to head to the mountain this morning i was kind of excited. we watched a funny ski movie on the way that really perked me up and got me in the mood. and then i actually strapped myself into a pair of skis and hit the bunny slope and that's when it happened.

i became the grinch.

now, to be fair, i haven't taken any kind of lesson or class in what feels like a million years, so i've forgotten how uncomfortable i get when i'm trying out something new. so of course i didn't remember this monster that dwells deep inside my ego. now, let me say in my own defense, there are plenty of things i enjoy the process of learning. anything academic, as long as i'm not bored by the subject matter, is a joy to learn. anything that makes me feel like i'm back in gym class, however, is not the same.

my definition of hell is gym class. a big, overcrowded gym class where everyone around me (including effing 3 year olds - why are 3 year old skiing, by the way?! wtf) are brilliant athletes. everyone around me is excelling. everyone around me is in perfect form and teaming up and smiling and laughing and having so much fun. and i'm in the corner miserable. feeling like i'd rather set myself on fire than endure any more. that is my hell. and that is where i was today when rob and ari were teaching me how to ski. i couldn't get over the fact that i didn't know what i was doing. i couldn't just give in to the experience. i just spent the whole time focused on feeling like i was floundering. like i was this joke on fiberglass.

and i have to stress the fact that i FELT like i was a huge failure. because, in truth, if you asked rob and ari how i did today, i think they'd have really supportive things to say about my first time on the slopes. they were both really excellent teachers and were both superbly gentlemanly in dealing with the personal meltdown i put them through. but i couldn't get past the fact that i felt wildly uncomfortable and incompetent. so instead i became this miserable cantankerous man who was inappropriately outspoken and difficult to handle. i don't know how many times i yelled at rob this afternoon. poor guy.

so today i hang my head in shame and admit that i was not a gentleman. i certainly tried to show my appreciation for the tremendous amounts of help and support rob and ari were showing me. but i couldn't get past this claustrophobic feeling that was taking me over and sucking all the joy out of my body.

but this is how i've always felt when it comes to sports. well, when it comes to anything that i'm not good at, to be honest. there are styles of dance i should go take class in, but because i feel awful at them, i don't go.

i guess the real lesson is that i need to start getting out of my comfort zone more. because the more i can push myself, the more i might be able to get through these feelings. because the goal is to be able to enjoy learning something new. and to be able to learn how to laugh at myself in the process. because, let's not lie, it's funny when you fall down.

so i have to start falling down a lot more. so i can learn to pick myself back up while laughing about the ridiculous fall.

23. change of direction

i stumbled upon this quote today while i was on the Q train. it was on an advertisement for something (i can't remember now what it was). even though i don't know what the product was, the quote managed to stick with me. it sort of reached off the train wall and slapped me hard in the face.

"if you do not change direction you may end up where you are heading." - lao tzu

i felt like the universe was trying to talk to me. directly to me. i mean, truer words have not been spoken. because this is exactly why i'm on this journey this year. when i decided to start this project, i felt like i was heading in the wrong direction. i felt like i needed to stop what i was doing and u-turn my life around. because who knows where i was going to end up.

but now i'm starting to feel really good about where i'm headed. and i know i still need to adjust the directions a little bit, but i'm starting to head to a good place. i really feel it.

i know i said i was going to spend february working on becoming a man of routine, but fate has decided i needed to focus on something else. and since fate and i have always been great friends, i've decided to take her advice. so i think i'll work on defining my daily routine next month. because this month is being devoted to socialization.

now, i know i've written a lot of stuff over the last few weeks. and i know i've thrown out words like anxiety and misanthropy in my last few posts. and those are definitely things that i deal with. but i need to say that above and beyond anything else, i do like being social. i do like seeing my friends. and i do like going out. it just takes some effort.

but this month, i've had a really busy social calendar. and it's been nice. i haven't really felt any anxiety. i feel like i've been charming and entertaining. i feel like i've been good at following the rules of introducing people. so far, it's been a good month. so i'm going to keep working on it. but that's what i've been inadvertently focusing on.

it's a change of direction from my original plan, but i'll take it. because i've learned that the universe usually knows what i need better than i do.

22. lessons and progress

i hate schmoozing. literally. i hate it. i try not to hate many things because i learned from my parents that it's wrong to hate. i learned from teachers that hate is a harsh word and an evil soul-killing feeling and all of that. but i can't help myself. i. hate. schmoozing.

i mean, i think i have social anxiety, remember? schmoozing makes me feel dirty. i feel fake. i feel disingenuous (i wanted to say i feel in-genuine, but that's not a real word).

but as i embark further in my quest to be a gentleman, i'm learning that i have to embrace the schmooze. because, as i've learned in chapter four of how to be a gentleman, "a gentleman says the right thing."

last night i went to a show that one of my very very very very very very very dear friends was in (and i'm not just saying that because elyse asked me if i'd blog about her *wink* the show was excellent, by the way. elyse is quite an extraordinary actress). well, after elyse's show, there was a little party and that was where i remembered how much i loathe schmoozing.

the show elyse was in was a talent showcase created to connect new york actors with other industry professionals. the show is where the agents and managers and casting directors would get to acquaint themselves with the actors. the after party, on the other hand, was where the actors would get to acquaint themselves with the agents and managers and casting directors. in other words, it was one big schmooze fest.

the whole thing made me wildly uncomfortable. but i was also exceptionally giddy that it wasn't my event, so i had no problem standing back and enjoying the company of elyse, arick (my brother AND elyse's bf fyi) and sean (elyse's bff). no one else mattered. because it was elyse's night and all i had to do was keep quiet and let her shine.

i made it through the event just fine, with no social anxiety attacks. after we left the restaurant, i decided to stop by rob's bar since he was working and i thought it would be nice to see him. so i said goodbye to arick, elyse and sean and headed around the corner.

well. i have social anxiety. and i hate to schmooze. so clearly, it's no shocker when i say that i generally make it a rule never to go to a bar alone. i mean, i have a hard time doing anything social alone, so clearly going to a bar is no exception. but when rob's working, i don't really have a problem staking out a barstool and just playing on my phone for an hour or two. so that's what i did. or what i started to do, anyways. because last night i found myself wrapped up in so many random conversations that i had no choice but to do exactly what i thought i could avoid all night long. that's right. i had to schmooze.

i guess it's not really schmoozing if it's not business related. i guess, really, all i had to do was talk to people. which shouldn't seem like a shocker. but remember that time i said i didn't want to talk to the couple at the theatre? the same thing goes in bars. it's awkward enough that i'm alone. i don't need having a conversation with a stranger to make it more awkward.

but somewhere between the shot i ended up taking with some of the strangers and the drinks i had rob serving me, i realized that this kind of situation is exactly what i need to get myself in to in order to finally start making some changes in my life. i mean, in order to get over this anxiety, i have to work myself through it, right? and how can this gentleman know exactly what to say if he don't practice saying it?

so i gave it a shot. i smiled. i laughed. i tried to create a feeling of genuine interest as i was listening to the things being said. and even though i didn't stay for too long, i at least took a step forward.

and then i woke up today and managed to do it again. twice.

now, even though i live in the same building as all of the tenants who share my apartment, i don't really say much in the elevator. go figure. but today i got on the lift and had a man engage me in conversation. he recognized me and asked how russel (our dog) was, and instead of just answering him and then leaving it at that, i actually kept the conversation going which turned out to work out in my favor in the end. as i was talking to the man, i noticed that he was trying to haul an old carpet out to the trash on a handtruck. so i opened doors for him along the way and kept talking. and as he was coming back inside, he noticed i had some boxes in the lobby of the building.

side note: rob and i had just come back from a trip to ikea. we finally decided it was time for me to get a new dresser (so my clothes could stop living in stacks and piles) as well as a desk for our office. it feels really good to have accomplished something today. though, i wonder how much we really accomplished since all we really did was spend money. does spending money really equate to accomplishing something?

well, anyways, rob was dropping off the zip car at the time and i was babysitting the packages. there was clearly no way i was getting our boxes upstairs by myself. so i was going to just wait until rob got back. but the man offered to help me out. and instead of saying no, like i instinctually would, i said yes. and he helped me. get all three heavy ass ikea boxes upstairs.

i mean, the lesson can only be that i put something out into the universe and got it right back. i was willing to be polite. i was willing to help a stranger. and the sentiment was returned. and it felt really good. and i didn't feel at all disingenuous.

i also helped a stranger back his car into a parking space while i was walking russell, but that's a boring story.

now, i don't think i'm over my anxiety. it's not like one day goes by where i actually talk to people and poof i'm cured. no. not at all. but i'm taking steps. i know they're so ridiculous in scope, but i'm progressing! i felt like such a gentleman helping that man out. and then going out of my way to offer help to a man on the street. i felt like a real person for a change.

and i liked it.

21. social anxiety

when i was in college, i used to diagnose myself with different mental disorders on a biweekly basis. one week i'd think i was bipolar. a few weeks later i'd be convinced i was borderline. then i'd figure i just suffered from plain jane depression. ultimately, my diagnosis would never last long. i'd usually drop the idea after a little bit of research in the library and a big dose of reality from my friends.

but the idea of having social anxiety has never quite left me.

i've never talked to a professional about it. and i've never really felt like the anxiety i suffer from is crippling. but i do still experience it and frankly, i find it ridiculously annoying. and so i'm wondering how i can overcome it. i mean, i know i'm not a professional, so these are just wild ideas that i've thought up, but my anxiety comes as a result of my childhood, right? well, i'm not a child anymore. i'm almost 30. i'm a completely different person. i'm not that fat, awkward kid i was way back then. i can understand why a fat, awkward kid would have problems in social situations. because i'll admit to having no confidence and low self esteem. but seriously, i've grown so far away from that boy. so why do i still feel like him?

i wrote the following on my way to meet some people last night. it's a little journal entry from the moment when i was fighting my anxiety.

i've been getting angry lately. like, when things change, i get mad. like right now. rob's running late and we're supposed to meet up with his great aunt and uncle and their friends for dinner and now i have to do it alone. instead of just saying "oh, it sucks that you're running late and of course i'll meet with them and keep them company until you can get here" i get combative and aggressive and try to make him feel bad. like it's his fault there's traffic in new york city. of course there's traffic in new york city. it's new york city. and it's rush hour. what's wrong with me? this isn't very gentlemanly behavior.

but i can't help my anger and frustration because i have this weird wash of emotions that just comes over me. i'm mad at rob for running late. and i feel really uncomfortable about having to be alone with his family.

it all makes me think i have social anxiety. it'd be one thing if it were rob's mom i was meeting. or his brothers. i'm super comfortable around them. because i've already spent a lot of time with them. but i don't really know his aunt and uncle. i need him here to take the lead. but now i'm uncomfortable. so i'm anxious. it's why i'm not any good at small talk with strangers. unless i've been drinking. i just shut down. i can't think. literally. of anything to say.

yesterday when we were seeing billy elliott, rob struck up a conversation with some strangers sitting in front of him. they asked him a question and it started this whole talk that i didn't really want to be involved with. but then rob pulls me into the conversation, and i felt so awkward. i should have been more open but i wasn't. i didn't want to talk to them. i just didn't want to. i still did. a little. but i felt awkward. and uncomfortable. and it was awful.

how do i change this? is this just a habitual response to habitual behavior? if i change the routine i'm accustomed to and step outside of my comfort zone, and do it often enough, will i be able to change? do i just need practice at not being a wallflower? and with time will my insides change? will i not feel this way anymore? this uncomfortable upheaval of my comfortable existence that creates anxiety and anger?

because none of this is very gentlemanly at all.

i've learned that i can do anything in the world so long as i can make it through my moments of anxiety before hand. i wrote the journal entry on my phone as i was taking the train downtown to meet rob's family. and the thing is, as soon as i met up with them, i was a rock star. i was charming and dashing. i was full of conversation. i was confident and in control. i was the gentleman i wanted to be. and i had a great time. rob showed up an hour late to dinner and it felt like only twenty minutes had passed. nothing was awkward. it was totally comfortable. then we went to to theatre and after the show we had dessert and hot chocolate. i had a brilliant time.

i wish i had known all along that i would be fine. but i couldn't see through the haze that was distracting my view when rob called and told me he was running late. i just felt this knot in my stomach and that's all i could focus on.

the good thing is that i know i can do this. i just have to, i don't know, meditate a little and work on my initial response. instead of getting mad at rob, i have to just step back and accept what's happened and trust that i'll be fine. because, even though i can nitpick the hell out of myself, i'm more of a gentleman than i've been giving myself credit for. sure, i could stand to work out more and i need to get my finances in order. but i'm a good guy. a really good guy. so i can stop feeling like that socially awkward fat boy. i'm not him anymore.

20. routine

i think i need a routine.

for some reason, i've always been morally opposed to maintaining any sort of schedule. it's kind of like my thing against wearing watches. i don't want to be bound by time. i know, lame. i think i stole that idea from a movie. but it's true. i like to think i'm the master and commander of my own fate and universe. which means i don't want to have to answer to the taunts of a schedule. i don't want to be anywhere other than where i want to be doing what i want to do. but that's a little childish. and since i've spent the last month literally sleeping my days away, i'm starting to think that i need to take control.

yea, i think i need an intervention. i've spent the last 27 years doing whatever i want. which means i sleep a lot and always take the garbage out a week later than i should.

so february, it's time i break the cycle of having no routine. that's right february. we're going to create one. because a gentleman is the captain of his ship. he's not just a passenger. i've been cruising for longer than i'd like to admit. it's time i step up and take control.

so here we go.

19. imagine

tomorrow is the 31st, which means january is over. goodbye month one.

today, i got an email about my ten year high school reunion.

what is happening to the ticking clock? it might as well be 2024 at the rate time seems to be flying by.

i remember being a little boy, imagining my life as a grown up. i might be making this up, but i have this beautiful memory of lying in the front yard, starting up at a clear blue sky, imagining who i was going to be when i grew up. imagining where i was going to live. and what i was going to do. there was so much possibility in the unknown. and i loved it.

but it also stressed me out, let's be honest.

looking back at my first ten years post high school, i'll openly admit to being proud of all the things i've accomplished. sure, i'm not rich. no, i don't own a house. and i don't have any babies. yet. but i followed my dreams to japan. and then chased them all across america. and now i'm in new york, stalking out that eternal happiness i've always imagined. it's only a matter of time before i've hogtied myself a happy ending.

sure, i have plenty i could complain about. i mean, we all do, don't we? nothing ever goes exactly like we'd like it to. i know i've told myself many a bed time story, only to have the actual ending turn out the one way i'd never rehearsed. but even so, i've always viewed life as an adventure. everything happens for a reason, and i've taken the ride for the past 27 years.

but now that i've hit the ten year reunion, and the engagement, i have to start thinking about these next ten years. who do i want to be now? where do i want to be? what do i want to be doing?

which is where this gentleman thing comes into play, i guess.

one step at a time.

18. mapping out change

it's snowing.

like, srsly you guys. it's snowing in new york. a. lot.

which makes me happy. i love the snow. i almost typed "i love the rain" which isn't true. well, it's half true. i like the rain when i'm inside. i don't like the rain when i'm in the upper west side. because it somehow always manages to rain when i'm visiting the 70's. srsly. ask rob. we frequent a movie theater in the uws and i swear it's always raining when we finish our film. and we always forget to bring an umbrella. it sucks.

but it's snowing right now, and i know most of new york is complaining about having to trudge through the wintry mix, but i love it. because we barely had this sort of precipitation in north carolina when i was growing up. so i'm making up for lost time.

ps, i'd like to let you all know that i've written the short phrase "wintry mix" in homage to colin meloy of the decemberists. he made those two words into a bit that he touched upon a few times tonight during his concert stage banter. rob surprised me with two tickets to their concert tonight at the beacon theatre (which is located, where else but on the upper west side) and it was incredible. good music is necessary for the soul. and a gentleman appreciates good music.

but i digress. i should probably fess up and mention (again, i'm afraid) that i've been a complete failure lately. i know the last thing i wrote was that i needed to get motivated and stop being lazy. well, guess what? the last few days i've done nothing but sleep until at least 4 pm.

i knooooow. part of me is disappointed, too. but i just can't help myself. i really like to sleep.

i've discovered that it's really hard for me to just jump out of bed when i have nothing to do. i've never been one of those get up, have breakfast, read the morning paper kind of guys. my m.o. has been to sleep until i have to get up. and once i'm up, i get ready and then i'm on the road. but lately, i've had absolutely nothing to get up for. i've managed to be a little more proactive during my days, but i won't lie to you, i've been pretty pathetic. so how do i break this cycle?

how do we break these cycles that have been lifetimes in the making? these habits feel like they're so ingrained in me that i'd go so far as to say they define me. this isn't just a habit, anymore, it's my way of life.

but that's what's sneaky about bad habits. they get so wrapped up in our working coils that we can't imagine operating in any other way. i don't know what it's like to be that morning person everyone talks about. so i can't embrace it. but if i'm going to make any real progress, i know i'm going to have to suck it up and start making some changes.

oh change. oh, changggeeee! why can't it be easier to alter the fabric of our lives? to change the threads that make up the essence of our very beings?!

but changing my tone from self-pity to general excitement, i think i've figured out how i'm going to change. it involves really mapping out the rest of this year! january is almost over, and i clearly haven't gotten very far in my journey. mostly because i've been wandering around aimlessly and spending far too much time thinking about what it is i'm going to do instead of just doing something. so it's time i finally steer myself towards a real destination. so with eleven months ahead of me, i'm going to tackle eleven different topics. eleven aspects of being a gentleman that, when complete, will have transformed me into the man i want to be. each month gets its own headliner. each month will have some sort of project attached to it that, upon completion, will have me that much further towards my goal.

i'm excited.

tomorrow i'm going to create some sort of kick ass graphic aid that shows you exactly what makes up this mythical gentleman i hope to become. and then i'll pick where to start. maybe i'll just spin the wheel and see where it lands. or, maybe this is better, i'll try to plan out my month to month path according to certain milestones i have penciled in my ical (like my wedding in october).

yea, i feel like i'm finally making waves here.

*wipes sweat from my brow*

maybe i'm finally getting somewhere?

17. who's it all for?

i think i'm starting to figure it out...

this revelation might seem a little obvious in retrospect, so it also might seem a little idiotically late in the game. but it's one that hit me like a ton of bricks just a few minutes ago. see, after i finished my last post, i got up, i rolled my sleeves up, i headed to the kitchen and i started doing dishes. then i made my way back to my bedroom, where i started organizing my mountain of clothes. i, then, straightened up the living room and put some things away in the guest bedroom. and before i knew it, i had pulled a mini-overhaul of the apartment.

five minutes ago, as i was finishing up the last of the dishes, it hit me: who's it all for?

see, i was washing a baking pan that had sort of become the bane of my existence recently. rob likes to cook. and he's really good at it. which means, if he needs help, i try to pitch in, but i usually just leave him to his own devices. that translates to: rob thinks he's a celebrity chef, and somehow manages to use every dish we own to create his culinary masterpieces. which is fine. but he always leaves me the dishes. and it'd be one thing if it was just a handful, but our kitchen always ends up looking a little like a war zone. which, seriously, isn't as bad as i'm painting it out to be. and trust me, the food's worth it. but i get stubborn when it comes to doing the dishes. so when a baking pan is crusty and difficult to clean, i'll get defiant and leave it for rob. and then he'll never get to it. which leaves me cleaning it at 2 am, like i did tonight. and while i was scrubbing, part of me thought: i wonder if rob'll notice i've cleaned the kitchen when he gets home from work? and then the other part of me screamed: who cares?! you're not doing any of this for him. you're doing it for you.

and that's when it dawned on me. i'm doing this for me. i mean, i know everything i've written has been about wanting to be a better man for myself, but there's always been that something in the back of my head that also wants to do this for rob. i mean, we're getting married. if there ever was a time for me to get it together, now is it. because one day we'll have kids. one day we'll have a family. and what kind of father will i be if i let the dishes pile up in the sink? my mom never let that happen. and i don't think i really appreciated what that meant until now.

but in order for any of this to be successful, i have to let images of rob and my future imaginary family go. this has to start with me. or it won't go anywhere. because doing things for other people always leads to anger and frustration and resentment. and while rob certainly gets to benefit from me growing up, and while, of course, i want him to be happy with me for doing things like keeping the sink free from dirty dishes, the reality is that i'm not a housewife. and that's not my job.

keeping a clean house and taking care of myself is something i owe myself. i owe it to myself to make sure that i'm living the best possible life i can. and while it might feel good to lounge around and do nothing all day, i have to remember that it also feels really damn good to walk around a clean apartment. it feels really damn good when i'm getting dressed to know that everything is clean, and put away, and not in piles. i know that all of these social graces seem like they're for everyone else, but, really, they're just for me. they're for my sanity. and my esteem. for my pride and self respect.

i will feel "better" if i treat myself better.

i know it probably seems like i've been saying this same thing for 24 days now. but it took 24 days for me to realllllllly get it.

and i think now that i've got it, it'll be a whole lot easier for me to stop being lazy and to stay motivated. i think this might be the key.

well, i sure hope it is at least. because even though i've always been one to end up with good results, i've still always been a lazy kid. i could be so much better if i just stepped everything up a notch. and i mean, i don't want to come across cocky, but seriously, i'm preeettttyyyy damn good at things. i owe it to myself to be even better.

16. motivation

i met up with my friend shayna the other night for dinner. i absolutely adore this girl and i'm really glad she came into my life a few years ago. she's fun, she's smart, she's talented, and she's someone i'm genuinely glad to have in my circle of friends. but i don't see her as often as i should because, as i said a long time ago, i'm not always the best at seeing and talking to all of my friends on a regular basis. but shayna and i were able to overcome my misanthropy and meet for mexican food.

one of the first things she said to me was that i looked like i was "together." i laughed a little inside because of how much of a mess i still feel like, but i took her compliment as graciously as i could. i know that i still have a long way to go, but knowing that from an outsider's perspective i'm starting to look like i've got a little control definitely feels good.

and i feel like i'm starting to take back control of my life, too. i've started to rid myself of some bad habits and replace them with better ones, which is a good start. i mean, my eyes are definitely thanking me for not sleeping in my contacts anymore. but the things i have managed to hold on to are pretty lame in comparison to the ones i haven't. like, since i've been unemployed, i've gotten back into the habit of sleeping until at least 3 in the afternoon. today i got out of bed at noon, which was a nice change of pace, but it'll only be a victory if i do the same thing tomorrow. and i'm not entirely sure i will...

which brings me to what i've figured out is my biggest weakness: my lack of motivation. if i was motivated to wake up early, or to make sure that none of my dishes in my sink were dirty or that all of my laundry was done, then i'd be a lot further along in being a gentleman of good habits.

but i'm not motivated.

well, that's not true. i am motivated. it just comes in spurts. i need to figure out how to keep my motivation alive. so that i'm not overcome with laziness. like i often am when i have free time at my disposal.

see, that's my reaaaaal problem. i'm lazy.

so this is what i'm going to have to do. i'm unemployed until february 21st (oh, yea, i got a job! i'm doing a show in new jersey! and i'm ridiculously excited about it!) so i'm going to take this next month of free time to figure out how to make the most of my time. because the gentleman i want to become occupies himself with worthy causes. i mean, seriously, i've spent the last few weeks playing video games and watching "say yes to the dress" on netflix. which is lame. especially when i have this amazing project to work on. i really just need to get it together. so that what's actually going on behind closed doors matches what people are thinking they notice in public.

so, shayna, thanks for thinking that i look like i have a handle on things. but what i'm not admitting is that even though i've managed to get a really great acting job, and even though i managed to look really cute the other night when we went out, i'm still as lazy as ever. because it's been so easy for me to be lazy. but now i'm going to try to stop. which won't be easy. but once i overcome this hurdle, things should be a whole lot easier.

so here's to cultivating motivation!

15. this is why we fight

first of all, the decemberists' new album "the king is dead" is incredible. i've been a huge fan of their work since i stumbled upon them a few years ago. they are brilliant musicians. they write wonderful stories. and their newest release is no exception. and if you're unfamiliar with their work, i think this is a great starting point, because it's a very accessible album. some of their stuff is very conceptual. this, on the other hand, isn't nearly as much, so it's a great introduction. so that's my music recommendation for the day.

now on to my real point...

rob and i got in a fight last night. i'm not supposed to write about it. well, rob asked me not to. and i want to respect his wishes. because, he's right, this blog isn't meant to be an open book into his life. so i won't write much about it. but i can't let good inspiration go to waste.

the fight itself was pretty epic. we got over it really quickly, as we usually do. but while we were in the moment we were both pretty intense. because we're both really passionate people. we're also both insanely stubborn. plus, i learned how to fight from my parents. who are pros. so i'm really good at it. not that that's the sort of thing i should brag about. but it's true.

i know that i'm in love with rob for lots of reasons. lots of really wonderful reasons. but i also know that i'm in love with him because he's the only person in the world i can actually fight with. i know i said i'm really adept at fighting, and i am. but i don't do it. ever. except for with rob. he's the only person i've ever really been able to show that side of myself to. and he's the only person i actually care about enough to fight with.

so rob and i got in a fight last night. we don't really fight about much, but there is one topic that we keep coming back to, and it came up again last night. and after a year of fighting about it, and after a year of me not really seeing any change in the situation, i stepped things up a bit. i stood my ground a lot more firmly than i have in the past. and when it was all said and done, i asked myself the question: when is it going to be too much?

i've explored a lot of unknown territory with rob. i've never been in a relationship that's lasted this long. i've never been with anyone i've ever been this committed to. and i've never been so in love with a person. so when i come across these sorts of situations, where we butt heads, i'm at a loss as to what to do when it comes to my stubbornness. how long do i fight the subject before i finally let it go? or do i ever?

how long do i stand my ground?

the fight itself is really nothing that serious (well, it is to me, but on the grand scheme of things, it's probably pretty laughable). i'll never leave rob because of the subject. and honestly, if it's the only fight we have for the rest of our lives, well, i'll gladly take it. but i know we're both annoyed that we've been fighting about it for a year. and i know we'd both like to move forward. but we're also each way too proud to back down.

so i have to figure out what this gentleman should do.

the first sentence of how to be a gentleman reads: "a gentleman does his best to be there when he is needed and to stay out of the way the rest of the time." which, translated, means he keeps his nose out of other people's business. but isn't rob's business my business? it's not like he's just some guy i'm casually dating. we've evolved so far past casual. we're getting married. our lives are now bound together. inexorably woven into the same fabric. so i'm allowed to butt in to rob's life, right?

i mean, i think the answer is yes. as i see it, gentlemanly behavior is meant for social situations. these are rules that help when dealing with other people. with friends and acquaintances and strangers. of course it's rude to get into someone else's business when your presence or opinion hasn't been requested. unless you feel it is out of absolute necessity that you get involved. like when you're playing the hero. saving a damsel in distress. but when it comes to your personal life, where is the line drawn? clearly, it doesn't mean you are allowed to act like a barbarian behind closed doors. that's why a gentleman doesn't drink directly from the milk carton, even if he lives alone. but the rules should be a bit different for personal relationships, right?

so i guess that's what i have to figure out. let's see if any of these books i've picked up have any words of wisdom. or if i'm all alone on writing this chapter.

1/26/2011 - addendum

rob read this entry the other night and turned to me and said: you titled the entry "this is why we fight" but you never actually said why we fight.

i should probably say that the entry title came from a decemberists song.

also, if you need a reason why we fight, i decided it's because of love. we all fight because of love. it might not seem that way at the time, but really, that's all we're ever fighting about.

so let that idea stew for a while.

14. stay extraordinary

i've seen this commercial a lot lately, and i have to be completely honest. i am obsessed with it.

the only thing is, i reallllllly don't like diet coke. at all. i don't like how it tastes. but this commercial makes me want to change over.

it's amazing. i want to live in the world they've created. and if i had to choose a subtitle for my year, i'd say 2011 could easily ALSO be the year of the extraordinary. the year of the extraordinary gentleman.

hello 2011. let's all stay extraordinary.

plusssss, i've always loved this song. the temper trap is amazing.

13. habitual environments

week 2 was preeeetttttttyyyyyyyy uneventful.

i may have had a few good days. but i slept in a lot. and i reverted back to drinking from the carton again. ugh. it's just so easy to drift back into bad habits.

is there a lesson in this? i think maybe there is...

i have managed to not sleep in my contacts at all. which is a feat for me, because it's so easy to be lazy. also, i've been really good about wishing my facebook friends a happy birthday. all of them. for every day of this year so far. and i think that's a good thing.

once upon a time, i remember writing something (or maybe it was just a thought) about how habits are usually a result of our environment. we could literally be anyone we wanted if we packed up our lives and moved somewhere different. it'd be so easy to create a new persona with new habitual behavior. but when we return to the scene of the crime, it's not so easy, now, is it?

that's what i'm dealing with right now. i started off my year long journey in my childhood home. it was easy to wash all my dishes and focus on changing myself for the better. i mean, seriously, i had no distractions. but not here. no, definitely not here.

here i have lots of dirty laundry. and dishes that pile up because of neglect. and "busy schedules." but probably mostly neglect.

so i need to figure out how take charge of my life in this apartment i've called home for the past year, and not let my old routine be ok with me anymore. it's not ok for me to sleep half the day away. or for me to spend the other half of the day that i'm awake wasting it online. or watching "say yes to the dress," which has become my new pastime thanks to unemployment.

oh, yea, and there's that. i should probably find a job.

i have been auditioning. which is what i should be doing if i want to be an actor. but i should probably audition a little more. i keep hoping that maybe, just maybe, i'll walk away one of the lucky ones and book a gig. that'd be a dream right now. then i could avoid having to find a job that i know i'll eventually hate which will make me awfully ungentlemanly. because, let's face it, sometimes i'm bad at work. not at doing a job. i'm really effing good at doing jobs. but i will admit, 2010 was the year of anthony playing hooky at work. and if i'm gonna save for a wedding (and be a gentleman in the process) i can't do that. it's just plain irresponsible of me. and that's one of the things i hated about myself last year that i want to change this year. i used to be an overachiever. what happened to that version of me?

the good thing, i think, is that i have managed to work on some of my bad habits here. i know they're silly, but the contacts and the birthdays are all little steps in the right direction. i just have to keep on myself to stay motivated. and i know i have it in me. we're only at the beginning of week 3. i still have 49 weeks of this year left. i have a lot of time ahead of me. so at least i'm pacing myself, right?

the main point is that i don't beat myself up. i will just keep moving forward. i will try not to slip backward. and eventually i'll end up in a completely different place from where i've started. i just have to get out of the comfortable terrain of this habitual environment i've created so that i can find the energy to change things.

i've gotta get out of these flatlands and find myself a mountain range for a while.

12. a gentleman goes to the theatre

today was exhausting. who knew being a gentleman could be so mentally draining? fortunately, it was one of the first days of this whole enterprise where i walked away feeling like i was actually getting somewhere.

my day started off with an audition. which went brilliantly, thank you for asking. after putting myself through so much unnecessary emotional strife yesterday, i made it a point to focus on how i was treating myself today. i guess it helps that my audition went well. but even so, the whole experience was completely different from yesterday. yesterday i was trapped in my head. today, i was free. free from the debilitating thoughts that crippled me yesterday. i don't know how i did it, i just know that i did. and hopefully i can do it again. and again. because it felt good not to walk away from the audition with a few unnecessary self-inflicted mental bruises.

then i went to the theatre. my friend jessica invited me to the opening night of the importance of being earnest on broadway, which was incredible. and the perfect play for me to see while on this journey. the play pokes fun at the heart of my project, and i think it was important for me to laugh at myself a little bit, because i've taken my thoughts so seriously these past few weeks.

while at the theatre, i was able to test out a few of the guidelines i've read about, like actually turning off my cell phone instead of just silencing it for the duration of the play. and facing people as i passed by them to get to my seat instead of turning my back towards them. everything i did came across naturally and didn't feel imposed in any way.

being at the theatre and seeing a play that was written over a decade ago took me back in time. i didn't feel like i was living in 2011. i really felt like a gentleman of another time. and i liked the feeling. i liked feeling cultured and sophisticated. i'll have to remind myself to do a little more of this sort of thing this year - because i don't see nearly as much theatre as i should, especially for being an actor.

after jessica and i parted, i stopped by rob's bar to see him. i had a drink and some dinner and while there, some friends stopped by. my skills were tested a little as a young lady i was unfamiliar with latched onto me in conversation. but i kept things moving and turned into this dazzlingly charming young man who even escorted her outside in the cold for a cigarette, even though i don't smoke or even like it that much.

but once i finally got home, i crashed. it may have been because it was a late night, but keeping everything going was tiring. i loved it, though, as silly as it all sounds. because i felt good about myself the whole time.

11. the golden rule

i went to an audition today.

i know. sometimes i forget i'm trying to be an actor. it was my first audition of the new year, actually. lately i've been focusing a lot on my personal life - which is something i'd seriously neglected for years. right after graduating college, nothing was more important to me than work. i even ended my then relationship because of the uncertainty of my future. my uncertain future became a few theaters in the states, then a two year contract in japan. then, finally, new york. which turned into a job touring north america. but then rob came along, literally out of the blue in, of all places, new jersey. and that's when it all came to a halt. because nothing was more important than developing my relationship with him. but now that my personal life actually has a steady foundation (i mean, we are getting married. i don't know what's more steady than that), i've realized that it's time i start focusing on my career again. i owe it to me and i owe it to rob.

so i went to that audition today.

and as i was on the train down to penn station this morning, i seriously thought i'd be blogging tonight about how the snow makes everyone angry. because, seriously, it does. all good manners go out the window the minute things become "inconvenient" and "difficult" for everyone. and let's not start on how many angry people i've encountered because of train delays. woof.

but that wasn't my moment of enlightenment today. no, my moment of enlightenment came after my audition.

i've publicly vowed to devote this year to becoming a better man for everyone else. to be more dependable, to be more sincere, to be lists of things i've already babbled off. but i don't think i've actually vowed to become a better man for me.

i know i've said i'm hoping to change how i feel. i know i've written about wanting to feel "better." i know i'm hoping that by the end of this year i'll be elevated. that being a gentleman will somehow help me find inner peace. but i haven't realized, until today, that being nice and gentle to everyone else isn't as important as being nice to myself.

that's what i noticed today at my audition. i know that every occupation comes with its own hazards. well, one of the hazards of acting (or any profession in the arts, for that matter) is self loathing. and i, for one, have a serious problem when it comes to not being able to support myself. or to trust myself. i'm one of those actors that gets trapped in the pitfalls of auditions. i over analyze what's happened and try to figure out what i did wrong. i critique myself to no end. and even when something doesn't seem to work out because of something i have absolutely no control over, like my height, i still can't give myself permission to just be satisfied with what i've done.

today i had a perfectly acceptable audition. sure, it wasn't absolutely perfect, but it was good. better than good, even. but i still left the building beating myself up. for absolutely no reason. and then i took my feelings out on rob. just because he was home when i got home. and let's be honest, none of that was very gentlemanly.

but i couldn't help myself. and that's when it dawned on me. before i can be a gentleman out in the world, i need to be a gentleman in my own skin.

i need to be nice to myself.

so this is my new golden rule. before i can start treating others the way i want to be treated, i have to treat myself the way i want (and deserve) to be treated.

so tomorrow, i'm going to try and cut myself a little slack. i know it won't be easy, but what i'm ultimately trying to do is replace a bad habit with a good one. it's just going to take a little effort and repetition. but hopefully it won't be too long before i'm treating myself the way i'm treating the rest of the world. and what more can any of us really ask from ourselves?

10. snow

it's snowing.

i really like snow.

there's something special in how she tucks us away in her safe white blanket, encouraging us to stay at home and to spend time being cozy and comfortable with loved ones.

some of my fondest memories of childhood were snow days. those magical days when we all awoke to the best news ever: no school. only bundling up and building snowmen, eating snow cream, and putting our bodies into states of near exhaustion.

there was this one wintery day when i was in seventh grade where i hadn't done my math homework for the day. the bus had just dropped us off at school and we were all gathering in the gym, waiting for the bell to ring (my middle school had bus riders and car riders all gather in the gymnasium before we made our way to homeroom). i was stressing out inside a little when one of my friends reached over and picked an eyelash off my cheek.

"you have an eyelash" she said. "here, make a wish."

the only thing i could think to do was wish for it to snow.

right before math class, it started snowing heavy enough for school to be cancelled. we were dismissed early. and it was magical.

too bad i still didn't do my math homework. i was too busy playing.

it's unfortunate that real life doesn't have a snow day every once and a while.

watching the snow arrests me. i could sit and stare out my window forever as those delicate white flakes as they gently descend from the heavens and grace our muddled streets with what seems like a beautiful gift from the gods.

like a blank word processing document or sheet of printer paper, the snow is a untouched canvas of possibility. for all of us.

and it reminds me of peace. and everything i'm trying to accomplish this year. forgetting the etiquette, the rules of style, the social graces - what is most important to me this year is that i truly embody the gentle man.

i want to be a man of peace. of kindness. of consideration. of chivalry and honor.

and i will let the snow be a reminder as i trudge through it tomorrow to hold doors and to say please and thank you. to give up my seat on the subway if need be. to not just force my way through the storm, but to help others survive her with me. unselfishly. so that we may all enjoy this snow day. together.

9. 1 and done

week one of this year. over.

week one of this project. finished.

ok, realistically, it's been nine days, which is more than a week. but it's sunday night, and tomorrow is the beginning of a new week, so i'm just rounding down a little for my own sanity. i hope that's ok with everyone.

so how do i feel so far? what have i done? and where am i at?

well, so much has happened this week that it's been hard to gage exactly what i've accomplished. i started out the year in new york with a whim of an idea that i turned into a project overnight. the project, of course, was (and still is) a very cerebral idea in need of some serious planning. but after some brainstorming, i did manage to sort of figure out what it is i'm trying to do.

my trip home was interesting. i didn't really get much done in nc. which is understandable. i made a few observations about myself, but i was focusing less on being a gentleman and more on trying to find some normalcy in my family life. which, to a certain extent, i was able to find.

and then we came back to new york. and that's when things fell apart. at first, i didn't really understand what was going on. i didn't understand why my world had suddenly turned upside down. of course, that's what happens when you're in the middle of a storm. it's hard to see through the wall of rain. you just have to sit it out and wait. because once it passes and the blue skies finally come back out, you can see the landscape again.

i've been really cryptic since i got back to new york. i haven't known how to write about what's been going on. and i've also been trying to stay respectful. and i'm not going to lie, the idea that a gentleman keeps his personal information at bay did cross my mind once or twice. and i definitely considered the thought that maybe i shouldn't talk about certain things.

but that's not why i'm here. and obscuring the truth isn't what i'm trying to do. i'm here to chronicle what i'm experiencing. and there's no need to hold back. the thing is, i have to wait until i've calmed down before i write anything. a gentleman doesn't say anything irrational. or try to hurt anyone's feelings intentionally. nor does he speak out of spite or anger. if i had actually written anything concrete over the last few days, i would have probably said something i'd end up deleting. or heavily editing.

but i won't regret posting this. and the only editing i'll do is to make it better.

so it all started with christmas.

the week before christmas was hard for me. partly because i couldn't go home to spend time with my family due to work. and partly because i knew how badly my family wanted me there. especially my father. which was a very big step for our relationship.

see, having my parents come to terms with my sexuality has been a long road. mostly because i tend to run away from my problems, so instead of facing the issue head on, i've skirted around the subject. i had always wished i had the courage to just confront them, but i could never do it. i was paralyzed from fear. that is, until rob. when things started getting serious between us, i let my family know. i told my mom that i had met someone special and that we had moved in together. she didn't respond directly, but she acknowledged that she had heard the information.

and so a year passes. we spoke very little about rob during that time. mostly just about the day to day aspects of my life. work. auditions. the weather. our conversations stayed on the surface.

and then rob proposed. and it was no longer an option to withhold my life from my family. i wanted to share the news with my parents. so i did. i let my parents know separately. and i got very different responses. my mom was openly excited for me. for the first time ever, we had a conversation regarding my sexuality that was filled with pride and joy. she was genuinely happy for me.

my experience with my father, however, was completely different. it's not that he wasn't happy for me. he's just a very traditional man. so showing his support was difficult for him. he congratulated me very simply and left me with a few words of wisdom regarding whether or not i was ready for this sort of commitment (since marriage is forever). and that was that. it was short. it was clinical. he said the words he needed to say with very little emotion behind them. and that was that. and because of our lack of genuine communication, i walked away from our conversation completely unsure as to how he was really feeling. so instead of relief, i was afraid that he was only saying what he thought i wanted to hear. and feeling something else.

and then it was suddenly christmastime. i had just gotten a new job where i was scheduled to work the day before and after christmas. so traveling home was out of the question. i didn't have enough money to fly and i certainly didn't have time to drive or take a train. so i settled on staying in the city.

i was fine with my decision up until i got a voicemail from my father a week and a half before christmas. now, you have to understand, my father doesn't call me. i communicate primarily with my mother. when i do talk to dad, it's when i've called the house and the phone gets handed off mid-conversation. but this time, he called me. he reached out. when i called him back, he asked me point blank why i wasn't coming home. because, as i learned, he was worried i wasn't coming home because i felt like i was unwelcome.

that, in itself, was a huge step forward for us. he told me i could bring rob home if i wanted. he even offered to drive to new york and pick us up if need be.

he wanted to see me. and that melted my heart and made me hate myself for not being able to go home. so to make up for missing christmas, rob and i made plans to go down the first week of january. rob was going to take off work. and i was going to be unemployed as of january 2nd, so the timing was perfect. i told my family and my parents were excited. dad even offered to drive us back to new york once our trip was over.

so that's what we did. we went down to north carolina overnight on the second, and when it was time to head back to the city, mom, dad, rob and i piled in the car and made the trip overnight.

our time in nc was great. rob got to see where i grew up. and he was welcomed into my home with open arms from both my parents.

but then we got to new york. and something in my father changed overnight. he wasn't the joyous man we had met in burlington. he was angry. cold. distant. he didn't talk. he didn't look us in the eyes. he was avoiding us.

i'm not entirely sure what triggered it, but i'm pretty sure it was a picture. a picture of me with rob's family on a cruise we all took together in may. something about seeing me as a part of rob's family, something about seeing the home we had built together upset him. (my father hasn't admitted to any of this. but i'd bet my life on it.)

so i was hurt. and angry. and i felt betrayed.

i had just taken this giant step towards finding normalcy when i took rob home to meet my parents. and when things went well, i felt like maybe this rift between us could finally go away. finally i could have an open relationship with my family like so many other people do. but as soon as we got here, all of that changed. all of that progress suddenly meant nothing. and it was all because of my father.

before they left last night, i tried to confront my dad. i tried to find out exactly what happened that upset him. but since he didn't answer, i decided to shoot what rob has confirmed was bourbon.

the past few days have been a test of my abilities to hold things together. my emotions have been all over the place. and now that i've come out on the other side, i'm proud of myself. i kept my composure. i still managed to enjoy my time with my mother. i tried my best to stay respectful to my father, even when he was avoiding me emotionally. i tried my best to do everything within my power to make him comfortable.

but it was he who refused what i had to offer. i made every concession imaginable. and he pushed me away. and besides writing this post, which he might find to be a betrayal of his trust, i did what i think a gentleman would do.

so maybe i'm not as bad off as i think i am. i mean, rob and i did go to dinner tonight at a pretty fancy restaurant, and i tried really hard to follow all the rules of fine dining and felt like a fraud. so i clearly have some work to do to truly embody that ease and grace and confidence of being a gentleman. but at least i know i have it in me. if i can handle what i handled this week, i can handle anything.

so bring it on week two. bring it on.

8. conflict resolution

i voluntarily drank whisky for the first time tonight. but not for fun. i didn't bother to take the time to sip slowly from my glass in order to enjoy the flavor. i didn't take time to savor the warm, spicy liquor as it met my lips and slid down the back of my throat. nor did i even have time to pour it over ice. i just swallowed it. in one big gulp from a pretty good sized glassful. and it felt good.

i've never been driven to drink before. but today was just one of those days where i needed to do something outrageous. so i settled on whisky. it was either that or run naked around the block in the falling snow. and though i was reallllly tempted to streak, i thought it would be more gentlemanly to take a shot of whisky. which i'm sure isn't actually all that gentlemanly. but it was the lesser of two evils. especially after i remembered there was a high school track meet going on down the block.

my emotional reactions have been really tested over the past few days, and besides my uncharacteristic alcoholic binge, i feel like i've done a pretty good job keeping my composure. i may have been a wreck inside, but outside i was pretty much in control.

7. testing, testing, 1,2,3...

i know it's only been 7 days, but i don't feel like much of a gentleman today.

on a scale of 1 to gentleman, i feel like a little boy.

that might be because i'm with my parents. i've probably reverted back to childhood since i just spent almost a week in my kiddie bedroom. but it could also be because, well, let's face it, i'm still a little boy.

it's funny how much power certain people hold over me. how someone else's mood can dictate mine. how the change in the tone of someone's voice can thicken the air in a room and form knots in my stomach so tight they leave me a mess, wondering what to do with myself.

and when i'm a mess, i start to question everything. things feel like they're unravelling. and i lose faith.

i was at a barnes and noble a few days after christmas and i came across a horoscope book outlining the yearly forecast for all the signs. i picked it up, thumbed through until i found leo, and read about how the planets alignment this year will affect me. apparently leo's are starting a religious journey.

is this my religious journey? is gentlemanship my new religion?

best case scenario, when this year is over, i will have my life together. cinched. tight. things won't make me feel like i feel now. i won't have moments where i feel helpless. i'll be in control. and confident. at peace. difficult things will roll off my back. i will move through life with grace. nothing will bother me. nothing will bring me down. i will be zen.

shit. should i have made 2011 the year of meditation?

here's the question of the day: what do gentlemen feel? after all of the manners and social graces and self reserve, after the staunch moral principle, after knowing how to dress and what to say and which knife to use (and in which hand), after knowing what wine to serve with dinner and figuring out the difference between brandy and scotch and whisky and everything else i hope to ingest this year, what will i feel?

what will i feel? because i'm pretty sure any "how to" guide i pick up isn't going to tell me what a gentleman feels. rules and etiquette, yes. feelings, no.

and my question: will i really feel better? "better"? will i feel elevated? will i feel relieved of stress? because somehow, i think i will. at least i hope i will. because in my head, the math all seems to work out. because in my head, when i've ironed out the wrinkles, when the puzzle has been put together, and when everything is in its place, i'll find that illusive happiness i've been searching for. i'll find everything i've been missing. i'll be better.

right?

who am i kidding? i've read dickens. actually, who am i really kidding? i read cliffsnotes' dickens. i don't really remember what i'm supposed to remember (it has been 10 years after all...oy) but i think he wrote about unhappy gentlepeople. or were they more disgruntled?*

am i going to be unhappy? disgruntled with a really good sense of style?

well, we'll see, won't we? because i've spent waaayyyy too much time invested in designing the banner for this blog to quit now. besides, every good journey of enlightenment requires a little self doubt in the beginning, right?

so here we go. testing, testing, 1,2,3...

*note to self, re-read dickens.

6. gameplan

i've danced around the subject for long enough, and after almost a week of pondering, i've finally decided to tackle the hard stuff: my gameplan.

so what am i actually going to do?

the trouble with these sorts of projects is that i can do whatever i want. which means i can start wherever i want.

so first things first, i guess. i have to finish "How to Be a Gentleman." i've been so focused on spending time with my family (and doing free laundry - thanks mom!) that i haven't had any time to read. that should change tomorrow, though, when mom, dad, rob and i all drive back to new york (yup, we're taking this family love fest on the road. after a few days here in nc it's time for mom and dad to try out ny for a change). assuming i don't drive (which i probably will - at least part of the way) i should be able to finish, since it isn't a very long book.

unfortunately, the book isn't really a roadmap. it's more of a playbook filled with scenarios and solutions. so i'm still going to be in uncharted territory once i finish. but i'll at least have some direction. i think. i should have a better idea of what a gentleman "is" - at least according to john bridges - which means a better idea of what i have to do to become one.

i also have a few ideas of my own i've been toying around with. i should probably make a list. i have a feeling a gentleman is supposed to be organized.

i have this idea in my head that gentlemen are very well rounded individuals. that they're very knowledgeable. about many things. many of which i know absolutely nothing. like whiskey. and scotch. and brandy. that is, if they're not all the same thing. because i think i heard once that scotch and whiskey were the same. maybe.

and wine. i love a good sweet dessert wine. and i have no problem drinking an entire bottle of champagne by myself. but i don't really know anything else about vino. plus, i've never really liked it. which just seems wrong. and i think i lack a real appreciation for wine because i don't know anything about it. so i should probably try to learn a little something.

and then there's food. and i mean good food. i really have the worst diet imaginable, mainly because i'm lazy, but also because i just don't cook. i think i know how to cook, but i just don't know what to cook. and i'm pretty sure i should know by now how to work some magic on a nice cut of meat.

so there's those things. and then there's exercise. and this is really going to be one of the hardest things imaginable, because i'm so morally against working out, it just seems weird to me. but i'm pretty sure it's a requirement for a gentleman to take care of his body. i mean, i'm pretty sure gentlemen have to be able to duel and fence and stuff. so i should probably learn how to use a sword.

but i don't have a sword, nor do i know where to get a sword. i did suck it up, however, and buy a new pair of running shoes. and i'm pretty sure this is the first new pair of tennis shoes i've owned since high school. which was *gasp* ten years ago this year. so i've at least got a pair of shoes to work out in. i guess i should ask my brother, the personal trainer, what exactly i should do. i could always try p90x because rob ordered it last year, but i just feel like working out with a dvd is cheating. i feel like i should be rowing or boxing or playing rugby or something. none of those things sound exciting to me, but i'm going to have to settle on something.

and then there's my wardrobe. which is actually not that bad. i think i just need to spruce it up a bit. maybe learn a new thing or two. and definitely stop wearing ratty clothes in public.

and on top of all of those things - and not to mention the list of others i'm going to end up compiling before this week is out, i have to find a job.

yea, i failed to mention that i'm currently unemployed. only since new year's eve. but still. my last job was temporary and now that it has finished, i need something else to do. and i'm at a loss for what. i really wish someone would just put me on broadway already, but i know fate doesn't want it to be that easy for me. so i'll keep trying. but in the meantime, i need to pay my bills. and i'd really like to be able to support myself doing something i enjoy. i'm just not sure what i enjoy anymore.

so there's that, too. because i definitely can't afford to be a gentleman on unemployment.

so that's the rough draft of my gameplan. it needs a little ironing out* but it'll get there. i do have all year, after all.

*i just realized i don't own an ironing board. i'm pretty sure i'll be hunted down by the extraordinary league of gentlemen if i don't get one. because i have a lot of clothes to press.