1. i'm not good at learning new (and unfamiliar) things
2. i don't know how to laugh at myself
rob and i went skiing with our friend ari today. rob and ari are both brilliant skiers. i had never been before. so i wasn't entirely sure how the day was going to pan out. i will admit, when we were leaving to head to the mountain this morning i was kind of excited. we watched a funny ski movie on the way that really perked me up and got me in the mood. and then i actually strapped myself into a pair of skis and hit the bunny slope and that's when it happened.
i became the grinch.
now, to be fair, i haven't taken any kind of lesson or class in what feels like a million years, so i've forgotten how uncomfortable i get when i'm trying out something new. so of course i didn't remember this monster that dwells deep inside my ego. now, let me say in my own defense, there are plenty of things i enjoy the process of learning. anything academic, as long as i'm not bored by the subject matter, is a joy to learn. anything that makes me feel like i'm back in gym class, however, is not the same.
my definition of hell is gym class. a big, overcrowded gym class where everyone around me (including effing 3 year olds - why are 3 year old skiing, by the way?! wtf) are brilliant athletes. everyone around me is excelling. everyone around me is in perfect form and teaming up and smiling and laughing and having so much fun. and i'm in the corner miserable. feeling like i'd rather set myself on fire than endure any more. that is my hell. and that is where i was today when rob and ari were teaching me how to ski. i couldn't get over the fact that i didn't know what i was doing. i couldn't just give in to the experience. i just spent the whole time focused on feeling like i was floundering. like i was this joke on fiberglass.
and i have to stress the fact that i FELT like i was a huge failure. because, in truth, if you asked rob and ari how i did today, i think they'd have really supportive things to say about my first time on the slopes. they were both really excellent teachers and were both superbly gentlemanly in dealing with the personal meltdown i put them through. but i couldn't get past the fact that i felt wildly uncomfortable and incompetent. so instead i became this miserable cantankerous man who was inappropriately outspoken and difficult to handle. i don't know how many times i yelled at rob this afternoon. poor guy.
so today i hang my head in shame and admit that i was not a gentleman. i certainly tried to show my appreciation for the tremendous amounts of help and support rob and ari were showing me. but i couldn't get past this claustrophobic feeling that was taking me over and sucking all the joy out of my body.
but this is how i've always felt when it comes to sports. well, when it comes to anything that i'm not good at, to be honest. there are styles of dance i should go take class in, but because i feel awful at them, i don't go.
i guess the real lesson is that i need to start getting out of my comfort zone more. because the more i can push myself, the more i might be able to get through these feelings. because the goal is to be able to enjoy learning something new. and to be able to learn how to laugh at myself in the process. because, let's not lie, it's funny when you fall down.
so i have to start falling down a lot more. so i can learn to pick myself back up while laughing about the ridiculous fall.
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