basically, long story short, i realized i was quickly approaching thirty with nothing to show for it. sure, i've had some adventures and sure, i've somewhat followed my dreams to new york, but i was starting to feel my age. i was starting to ask myself what have i really accomplished? and i was drawing blanks.
the answers were harsh realities staring me in the face: i was starting to lose my figure. i was still living like i was in college (definition: poor diet, sleeping all day, no sense of direction) and i knew i wanted to change. i needed to change. hence, the year of the gentleman. but i failed quicker than i started. and that's because i had an idea but no clear way of knowing how to get there.
up until recently (and this is still a fairly new concept, so no promises that its a tried and true way of life - yet) i've let life take me for a ride. i've always left things up to fate and the destines, trusting that they'll take me where i need to be. but, see, that just means that the taxi cab of life drops me off wherever she feels like and then shouts out the window as she's driving away "ha! good luck finding your way now!" and then i shout back "bitch" but she's too far in the distance to hear me and i just feel like an idiot for trusting her in the first place.
it was naive of me to think everything would work out (the way i wanted it to) without really giving the taxi driver any directions. for some reason, i thought fate could see through me, would recognize my good intentions, and would take me where i (thought i) deserved to be. but that's not how it works, as i've figured out. as long as you give the taxi cab of life some directions, even if she drops you off a few blocks from where you requested to go (which she will, trust me), at least you're a few blocks away from your destination and you can make it the rest of the way on foot. if you just get in and let her take you wherever she wants to take you, well, of course you'll end up in the middle of nowhere with miles of backtracking to get where you want to be.
so needless to say, i've woken up to this reality. and now that i know this, i've set off on figuring out exactly where i want to be so i know what directions to give life.
so that's where i'm at. figuring out exactly what i want. it only took me 28 1/2 years to figure this out. i'm pretty sure i was taught this in high school and college (five year plans and what not). but, in my true fashion (stubborn and bullheaded, as my parents always put it) i had to figure it out the hard way.
the problem is, i always knew where i wanted to end up. i just thought if i worked hard, was dedicated, and had the best of intentions, that it would come to me once i threw my talents into the mix. as long as i focused on my studies and honed my skills, i'd be fine. people would recognize my worth. they'd see through me, into my depths, and recognize that i was worthy and deserving, and that would be that. i'd get what i wanted.
welp, that's not the way, folks. i have to have a much more direct path planned out. so that's what i'm doing now. i've got the map spread out on the table. now i just have to figure out how to read the damn thing, and then i'll get somewhere.
what i've been listening to as i type: ben folds five - whatever & ever amen (it took the entire length of the album)
|ben folds five takes me back to my high school years, when i was full of promise and did nothing but dream. in fact, ben folds was the entire soundtrack for my road trip to new york for my nyu audition (i didn't get in, by the way).|
my new obsession: the high line in new york city - if you are in or near or visiting new york city and haven't visited the high line, i have one word for you: go. now. the friends of the high line have reconstituted an abandoned elevated train line into a park in the sky, and it's magnificent. i mean, seriously. it's my favorite place in new york right now. it's not far from where i work, so i walk it pretty often. and i can't get enough. so go. now.
|one of the great things about the high line is the art that has sprung up in the area - specifically on rooftops and in windows. one of my favorite instillations is the above picture. jordan betten has put together this menagerie of animals and is calling is the high line zoo. to see more of his work, check out thehighlinezoo.eom. photo by me.|
my most recent purchase: cologne - artisan by john varvatos at sephora