40. hello 2012

hello, 2012. my name is anthony. it's very nice to meet you.

2011 and i didn't really see eye to eye. well, that's not entirely true. the petulant child in me didn't like 2011 because things didn't necessarily work out the way i wanted them to. but 2011, being much wiser than me, gave me exactly what i needed.

i did say i wanted to spend 2011 growing and becoming a gentleman. well, i had plenty of opportunities to do just that.

so where am i now? a year later, i'm in pretty much the same place. but i'm a little bit stronger. a little bit wiser. a little bit more focused. last year, the gentleman thing was an idea. one that i eventually got bored with. i tried to convince myself that it was something i was really going to focus on. but i didn't. and that's ok.

i was focusing on all the wrong things. i started out by focusing on all the things i could do to become a gentleman. i wasn't focusing on what it would actually take to get there. i was trying to work from the outside in instead of from the inside out. so maybe this year i'll start where i should have started last year. i'll focus on my honor and integrity and intention, not on how i dress and whether or not i drink from the milk carton. because you can dress anyone up to look like a gentleman. that doesn't mean he is one.

and i want to be one.

i really want to be one.

i have some really wonderful things to focus on this year. a new job that i adore. a theatre company that i've started with three friends. a one man show that i'm going to start writing based partly on this blog. i have wonderful things to focus on. and through those things, i'll have opportunities to grow as a gentleman.

i think that's where i failed last year. i didn't have things to do. i spent a lot of time at home, doing nothing. i spent majority of the year unemployed. and when i was working it was out of necessity. not out of interest. and because of that, i found myself grasping for this impossible happiness. i was floundering and sinking. how could i possibly be a gentleman?!

so hello, 2012. i'm going to do things a lot differently this year.

so let's go!