the gentleman wakes up.

when i initially started this project (over a year ago...so it's been a VERY long year...) i had no idea what i was doing. i only had the glimmer of an idea of who i wanted to become.

basically, long story short, i realized i was quickly approaching thirty with nothing to show for it. sure, i've had some adventures and sure, i've somewhat followed my dreams to new york, but i was starting to feel my age. i was starting to ask myself what have i really accomplished? and i was drawing blanks.

the answers were harsh realities staring me in the face: i was starting to lose my figure. i was still living like i was in college (definition: poor diet, sleeping all day, no sense of direction) and i knew i wanted to change. i needed to change. hence, the year of the gentleman. but i failed quicker than i started. and that's because i had an idea but no clear way of knowing how to get there.

up until recently (and this is still a fairly new concept, so no promises that its a tried and true way of life - yet) i've let life take me for a ride. i've always left things up to fate and the destines, trusting that they'll take me where i need to be. but, see, that just means that the taxi cab of life drops me off wherever she feels like and then shouts out the window as she's driving away "ha! good luck finding your way now!" and then i shout back "bitch" but she's too far in the distance to hear me and i just feel like an idiot for trusting her in the first place.

it was naive of me to think everything would work out (the way i wanted it to) without really giving the taxi driver any directions. for some reason, i thought fate could see through me, would recognize my good intentions, and would take me where i (thought i) deserved to be. but that's not how it works, as i've figured out. as long as you give the taxi cab of life some directions, even if she drops you off a few blocks from where you requested to go (which she will, trust me), at least you're a few blocks away from your destination and you can make it the rest of the way on foot. if you just get in and let her take you wherever she wants to take you, well, of course you'll end up in the middle of nowhere with miles of backtracking to get where you want to be.

so needless to say, i've woken up to this reality. and now that i know this, i've set off on figuring out exactly where i want to be so i know what directions to give life.

so that's where i'm at. figuring out exactly what i want. it only took me 28 1/2 years to figure this out. i'm pretty sure i was taught this in high school and college (five year plans and what not). but, in my true fashion (stubborn and bullheaded, as my parents always put it) i had to figure it out the hard way.

the problem is, i always knew where i wanted to end up. i just thought if i worked hard, was dedicated, and had the best of intentions, that it would come to me once i threw my talents into the mix. as long as i focused on my studies and honed my skills, i'd be fine. people would recognize my worth. they'd see through me, into my depths, and recognize that i was worthy and deserving, and that would be that. i'd get what i wanted.

welp, that's not the way, folks. i have to have a much more direct path planned out. so that's what i'm doing now. i've got the map spread out on the table. now i just have to figure out how to read the damn thing, and then i'll get somewhere.

aj

--
what i've been listening to as i type: ben folds five - whatever & ever amen (it took the entire length of the album)

ben folds five takes me back to my high school years, when i was full of promise and did nothing but dream. in fact, ben folds was the entire soundtrack for my road trip to new york for my nyu audition (i didn't get in, by the way).

my new obsession: the high line in new york city - if you are in or near or visiting new york city and haven't visited the high line, i have one word for you: go. now. the friends of the high line have reconstituted an abandoned elevated train line into a park in the sky, and it's magnificent. i mean, seriously. it's my favorite place in new york right now. it's not far from where i work, so i walk it pretty often. and i can't get enough. so go. now.

one of the great things about the high line is the art that has sprung up in the area - specifically on rooftops and in windows. one of my favorite instillations is the above picture. jordan betten has put together this menagerie of animals and is calling is the high line zoo. to see more of his work, check out thehighlinezoo.eom. photo by me.

my most recent purchase: cologne - artisan by john varvatos at sephora

now that's a bottle! one thing i hate about most (if not all) cologne bottles is how unattractive i find them. i wish they had dresser appeal, but i find most cologne bottles to be things i hide in drawers. but this bottle caught my attention immediately and reminded me of something i'd proudly display. and then the scent made the sell.

42. meditation

i'm three sessions in to a meditation workshop. and i'm amazed that it's taken me so long to discover this.

i just started working for this new fitness studio in new york. we're very holistic, and all about energy, so when the chance to take a meditation workshop came up, we all immediately signed up.

usually i'm against these sort of things. i mean, the idea of hypnosis makes my eyes involuntarily roll, because i can't imagine anyone realistically letting someone else control their mind. and i've tried to sit down and quiet my mind, but too many thoughts flood around in my head for me to stop thinking for more than three seconds.

but this workshop has changed my life. completely. and it's giving me this new life and energy that i haven't had in a long time. this newfound life and energy that's going to help me tackle life and my gentleman project.

see, last year i did things all wrong. i was working from the outside in. this year, i'm doing it right. working from the inside out.

41. week 1

so. i had the idea of the year of the gentleman LAST year. but it really seems like THIS year was meant to be the year of the gentleman.

i'll explain.

this time last year i didn't have anything on my plate. all i was doing was sleeping a lot and criticizing myself for drinking out of the milk carton.

this year i have an AMAZING job that inspires me. i'm waking up early every day to head out to work. i'm so much more excited about being out in the world. and i have purpose. i didn't have purpose last year. at all. i thought i did, but i didn't. at all.

but now i do! so now i have a reason (and a want) to follow through with the things i set out to do. update my wardrobe, for instance, for work. and for play. workout and take control of my body. be social and make it a point to regularly see my friends. i bought a book today to read because i want to. i feel so alive.

that's all i needed. an offing job. that wasn't just a gig to pay the rent. but something that i find fulfilling.

this is amazing.

so needless to say, the first week of the year has been amazing. i mean, the last two months of '11 were great - but i'm already noticing a huge difference in myself. in my lifestyle. in my soul.

so maybe i'll actually stick with chronicling things this year. because i'm finally on the right track. and it feels so good.

40. hello 2012

hello, 2012. my name is anthony. it's very nice to meet you.

2011 and i didn't really see eye to eye. well, that's not entirely true. the petulant child in me didn't like 2011 because things didn't necessarily work out the way i wanted them to. but 2011, being much wiser than me, gave me exactly what i needed.

i did say i wanted to spend 2011 growing and becoming a gentleman. well, i had plenty of opportunities to do just that.

so where am i now? a year later, i'm in pretty much the same place. but i'm a little bit stronger. a little bit wiser. a little bit more focused. last year, the gentleman thing was an idea. one that i eventually got bored with. i tried to convince myself that it was something i was really going to focus on. but i didn't. and that's ok.

i was focusing on all the wrong things. i started out by focusing on all the things i could do to become a gentleman. i wasn't focusing on what it would actually take to get there. i was trying to work from the outside in instead of from the inside out. so maybe this year i'll start where i should have started last year. i'll focus on my honor and integrity and intention, not on how i dress and whether or not i drink from the milk carton. because you can dress anyone up to look like a gentleman. that doesn't mean he is one.

and i want to be one.

i really want to be one.

i have some really wonderful things to focus on this year. a new job that i adore. a theatre company that i've started with three friends. a one man show that i'm going to start writing based partly on this blog. i have wonderful things to focus on. and through those things, i'll have opportunities to grow as a gentleman.

i think that's where i failed last year. i didn't have things to do. i spent a lot of time at home, doing nothing. i spent majority of the year unemployed. and when i was working it was out of necessity. not out of interest. and because of that, i found myself grasping for this impossible happiness. i was floundering and sinking. how could i possibly be a gentleman?!

so hello, 2012. i'm going to do things a lot differently this year.

so let's go!

39. tomorrow is new year's eve...

oh me.

what a year. i guess i fell off the grid a little while ago. figures. something i'm not particularly good at: following through with things. well, that's not entirely true - it really depends on the thing. i mean, i'm really great at sitting on the couch and watching entire seasons of television in one sitting. so i should amend my statement by saying i'm not good at following through with major projects that i set out to accomplish. unless it's work related (or involves television), it'll never get done.

2012 resolution maybe? nah...

i think i might forego resolutions altogether next year. i think resolutions are nice, but they end up being this inner battle where we pinpoint terrible things about ourselves and where we proclaim how we're going to change and why. and then we fail and beat ourselves up. well, i'm tired of looking at myself and judging what i see. i need to just accept who i am and where i'm at and call it a day. i guess that's what i've learned over 2011. i've spent so much time trying to be someone instead of just being who i am - gentleman or not. i will always have bad habits. i will always have things to learn. and there's nothing wrong with that.

38. let down your hair

sometimes i feel like rapunzel. and all i have is a window and a computer through which i experience the world. only, i've locked myself inside the tower and not some evil witch.

and when i feel that way, like i'm trapped, i write. i write to free myself. i write to free my mind from the stories in my head. i write to reach out to the world around me. and i write because sometimes it's the only way i know how to live.

i know that sounds super depressing but it's not mean to be. it's just a truth. i mean, i only really write when something heavy is on my mind. i don't write when things are easy. i write when things are hard.

i write when i need to let down my hair and climb out of the tower.

37. the truth

here's the thing...i need a job doing what i love. i need to do more than survival jobs. i'm tired of just getting by. i want a career. not just a hobby. i'm discouraged that auditions aren't leading to anything right now. i know i should be happy that i keep getting final callbacks for shows, but seriously, can't i just get cast? can't the universe pick me this time?

sometimes when i write i get cryptic. i talk in circles. around things rather than about them.

but i'm sad that the universe keeps choosing other people over me. it makes me lose faith in myself, in this career, in my choices...

i should buck up, i guess, deal with it all. but. it's. hard.

that's all.

36. funeral

I'm on my iPhone, so it's impossible for me to get into the groove of writing like I'd like to, but I'm on Long Island and my computer is in Manhattan, so I have no choice.

I went to a funeral today. Rob's uncle passed away last weekend unexpectedly and the service was today. Being the good boy that I am, I came out here to support him and his family. Nothing is worse than having to deal with unexpected death. That's something I had the pleasure of learning earlier this summer when my dog died. I was devastated. And I only had Russel for two years. So I can imagine the agony of losing a husband/father/favorite uncle/brother/friend. Clearly the grief is overwhelming and it's always good to be surrounded by love. So I came out to support my L.I. family. Naturally, it's what a gentleman would do.

Which is actually my first truly gentlemanly act in a while. It feels good to be getting my footing again after a long summer.

The thing about funerals that always gets to me is religion. Religion is such a tricky squirrel. And now, more than ever, I am so totally baffled by its mysteries. I've never really been all that religious. I went to church as a kid, but it seemed more of a social thing for my family than anything else. My brother and I went with mom. Dad stopped going pretty early on, which is strange since he's obviously the most religious person in my family. But the misanthrope in him kept him at home. Church for me was never really about God. It was about pagentry. Literally. It's where I got my first taste of theatre.

Eventually we stopped going. I was in middle school when that happened. I'm not sure why we stopped attending, exactly, but we did.

So the idea of God was never really impressed upon me growing up. Both of my parents have made mention of their spirituality every now and again, but it's such a personal relationship (and not one that I was ever really privy to) so that when I find myself in a place of worship for any reason, I am perplexed at this mass of people singing and chanting and proclaiming their love of God.

Now don't get me wrong. I understand the sociology and psychology of religion. And I have my moments where I realize there are voids in my life that could be filled by faith. But like all of the other holes in my life that need filling, I find that the social norms and the accepted ways of doing things are alien to me.

From time to time I meditate on the thought of God. The last time I did this was the summer between my freshman and sophomore years of college. Being in the church today made me wonder if it's time I do a little more digging. Especially being where I'm at in my life right now. I've lost faith in what I thought to be true this summer and I fear the only way I can move forward is to figure out what I want to believe in. Either find something new or solidify what I already thought to be true and realize this past summer was just a test of faith.

It's funny, I remember writing something earlier this year about making this year a religious quest, but the art of being a gentleman was to be my new religion. But maybe I need to take stock in my personal relationship with the abstract of god. The Bible, no, but God, yes.

We'll see, I suppose. It's at least worth the thought...

I used to put my faith in the universe. You could call that God or fate. But I believed wholeheartedly that everything had a reason and all things worked out the way they were meant to be. Personal experiences even proved that my life was being taken care of. The road may have been winding, but I was always able to, in hindsight, see how the road got me from there to here.

This summer, however, when dreams were lost and pain took over, faith left too. I know I'm not "here" yet, and I'm still on the path from "there" but I feel like I've been "there" for too long now. I'm restless and unhappy and I've seen so many possible "heres" come and go that I've started giving up on waiting for the destination to present itself. I guess I just feel like I've been left in limbo and this is the longest I've been stuck here. And that is why I write of not knowing how to fill my days. I'm so used to being directed and guided. My life feels like this constant path that I occasionally make pit stops at, and I've been looking for a pit stop for the past few miles with no signs of one in sight...

But faith would tell me that there's one ahead. There's always one ahead. I just have to keep moving forward in its direction. That's the real answer. The one constant I keep coming to. I have to keep moving.

35. midnight

why can't all life happen after midnight? this is when my brain comes alive. there's something about the stillness and the darkness and calm serenity of the sleeping city below me that activates the neurons in my brain. i write. i sing. i clean. i organize. it's almost 4:30 am and i'm happier now than i've been all day.

it's weird.

just a thought.

34. i keep coming back

weeeeelllllllllll.

it's official. i am a terrible blogger. terrible. this is a fact i've always known about myself, but i always seem to think there may be the chance that i'll change.

alas. i. have. not.

but i keep coming back. that's got to count for something, right?

right.

because when you set out on an epic journey of self discovery, you're going to have your ups and downs. clearly. but as long as you keep on trudging, you'll be fine.

i'm still trudging.

i've been really dramatic lately. really. ask rob, poor soul. he's the real gentleman here, having to deal with my sorry ass.

it's been a rough summer. and because it's been a rough summer, i shut down. completely. i resigned from the world for the first time in almost 6 years. the last time was back in college, and thankfully i had my best friends david and jennifer to pull me out. this time i had rob. and i'm not out of the woods yet, but i'm trying. which, as i've just figured out, stands for something.

i've also realized something else. i don't know how to live my life without being told what to do. seriously. i have no idea.

get this. i grew up at home. always had mom and dad and teachers and extra curricular activities tell me how to spend my time. then i went to college and had classes and work study and rehearsals and shows. i sort of broke down in the middle, but pulled things together senior year when i was super busy. then i graduated and started working professionally. i was lucky to work straight through for three years. first in NC. then in VA. then in Japan. those jobs kept me busy. and when i didn't fill up my days off, i just thought i was relaxing. it didn't bother me that i didn't really do much. unless i was traveling and site seeing, i'd sleep in and watch tv. play on the computer. maybe see someone or have dinner. but usually i'd just keep to myself and enjoy it. and then i moved to new york, where my life has been more my own than it's ever been because i haven't had a schedule to adhere to or places to be - and guess what. i started falling apart again. all this time on my hands, which i always thought was a gift, has in fact been killing me. when i work, it's always part time. my schedule is all over the map. auditions happen but it's up to me to go. no one is taking attendance. so if i decide not to go to an audition, there are no consequences other than not being seen (unless my agent sets up an audition. that's the only time i am held accountable). i have this entire life at my disposal - days and nights to do with as i please - and i'm doing nothing. it's overwhelming and stress inducing and i didn't realize this until just yesterday.

i need to figure out how to live my life. how to fill my days.

so maybe i should start with a schedule? in the movie about a boy, hugh grant talks about setting up his days in 30 minute increments. maybe i should do that. units of time. fill them up slowly. force myself to do the dishes. to do laundry. only play video games for an hour (and not 8). maybe i should start cooking dinner, and not just ordering in.

i have to take control. because i've completely lost it. i've let myself go and if i don't get it together, i'm a goner.

and i don't want to be a goner.

so here i go, again, stepping into tomorrow.

33. birthday

oh boy. oh boy oh boyohboyohboyohboy.

it's my birthday.

goodbye 27. heloooooo 28.

lately i've been really over facebook. it's been a huge source of frustration more than anything else. i've figured out that sometimes, spying on people only leads to news i'd rather not hear. of course, the real lesson here is that i need to accept that can't compare myself with other people. i'm on a different path. so my successes can't be compared to theirs.

clearly this is a hard truth for me to accept. but hopefully it's a pill i can swallow this year.

BUT back to facebook. facebook is always awesome on your birthday. ALWAYS. nothing feels better than waking up to hundreds of well-wishes. and you know what, i'll take that!

i'll also take this rain. thank you, new york, for that unexpected gift. it's been scorching lately. it's been so uncomfortably stifling.

so i'll take this rain. i'll take this cleansing shower. and i will rejoice. my soul is in need of it. my soul needs a baptism right now. because this last year has been wonderful and terrible and has taken me to higher highs and lower lows and i'm looking forward to this next year and the ride i'm strapping myself into.

so here we go 28. you and me. hand in hand. arms locked as we skip into the wild blue yonder we call life.

happy birthday. to. me.

32. russel

you think you hit low. and then you sink lower.

my dog died today. the heat was too much for him. the heat was too much for everybody, i guess.

i'm angry. and i feel numb. and i don't think i can cry enough tears for russel.

31. little victories

question:

what do you do when things are broken? when you've ruined your life and it's in scattered shards all over the floor?

answer:

you keep going.

step. by. step. until things make sense again.

wake up. check.

shower. check.

brush teeth. check.

go to work. check.

come home. check.

wash the dishes.

do the laundry.

walk the dogs.

cook (or, let's be really honest here - order in).

eat.

sleep.

repeat.

repeat.

repeat.

repeat until things seem normal again.

it isn't easy. getting out of bed is usually the hardest part. but as long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other, you'll make it. step by step. until yesterday is a week ago. and then it's a month ago. and then, eventually, it was a year ago and the scars are almost invisible.

it isn't easy. but we have to celebrate the little victories. make every single moment count. and keep going.

30. july

hello july.

you snuck up on me quick. i thought i'd have a little more time until you made it to the party. but alas. you're here. and you brought along with you so many sneaky little tricks tucked away in your summer satchel.

i'm not happy to see you. i'm sorry if that hurts your feelings, but you're the whistle blower, waking me up to the fact that 2011 is half over. thanks for reminding me. or depressing me, rather.

i started this year off so strong. with the best of intentions. but then i let them go.

oh july. why did things go south so quickly?

i've been trying to figure out exactly what went wrong. and the other day, as i was waiting for the A train to take me home, i pinpointed exactly what happened...

i lost control. of. my. life.

or rather, i realized i need to do something to TAKE control of my life.

there was a time in my life where i LOVED going with the flow. letting things work themselves out. trusting in god and the fates above and destiny and all that mythology, but not anymore.

july, you sneaky biotch, you have my birthday tucked away in your back pocket. and as i creep up to the edge of 28, i can't help but recognize the fact that i am NOT a little boy anymore. and as much as i'd love to live the spontaneous life, i just can't.

i can feel my soul slowly metamorphosing into an adult.

i know, july, you don't have to remind me that i still have problems waking up early. i don't think i'll ever fully be that kind of adult. but i have this need for stability stirring inside me. this need to sprout roots. to find some bricks and lay out a foundation and build a house and settle down.

that's what i'm feeling. and i can't fight it. and it's driving me craaazzzzyyyyyyyyy july. it's driving me insane. because you know what?! i chose to be an actor. i chose to be an artist. i chose to live this crazy gypsy life. and the only way you can really be successful is if you throw yourself to the wind and see where she takes you.

but i've been fighting the wind for a while now. and i'm at this place where i have to figure out what to do next.

what do i do july?!

do i give in to the urgings of my soul or do i give in to the wind?

so that's what i'm dealing with july. that's what i've been dealing with for a while now. i'm growing up. whether i like it or not. and i'm definitely turning into a man.

i just don't know how gentle will that man be...

29. off the wagon

i fell off the wagon.

this always happens when i dedicate myself to a project. i always, inevitably, lose motivation at some point. and that's what's happened these past few months.

i've just lost all sense of direction lately. and all of my gentlemanly aspirations have just gone down the drain.

after i finished this last show, i just found myself in this black hole. and i just lost all sense of self. i don't know what exactly happened. but april and may were terrible.

buuuuutttttt i'm picking up the pieces again. or trying to at least.

28. i'm still here

i know, i haven't been posting regularly lately. in truth, it's been a month since my last post. BUT that does not mean i am not still on my quest. because actually, i am still very much following the path of the gentleman.

so how am i doing? well, honestly, with three full months behind me, i'm proud to say i'm making strides. and while i'm still thinking about what it is i want to accomplish, i'm spending less time thinking and more time doing, which is the point. i want to change my instincts, so the fact that i'm doing things naturally speaks volumes about how i'm progressing.

this past month i've been going to the gym four times a week. which is huge for me. i've successfully lost some of my winter weight. and i'm beginning to change my body. and it feels so good to see the changes start to happen.

and i have to admit, going to the gym and seeing my weight drop and my body change feels so good. because it's the first time where i'm really seeing proof that i'm changing. because everything else has been mental. i've been working on how i think and what time i wake up in the morning - but working out shows results and motivates me to see more results. and it's proof that i am changing. and by the end of this year, if i keep it up, i really will have transformed into a different person. and that person is going to be a gentleman.

on a different note, today i tried some new shaving products and i have to admit to you right now that i'm obsessed. rob got a travel kit from the art of shaving and i tried it today (of course) and it was incredibleeeeee. as much as i like looking at myself in the mirror when i have two days worth of scruff, i also love staring at myself in the mirror on a day where i'm freshly shaven. and today, i can't stop staring at how good my skin looks. and i'm also obsessed with smelling like sandalwood. i felt like such a man using a brush to spread the shaving cream over my chin and neck. it was amazing and even though i love kiehls through and through, i can't wait to see how my relationship with the art of shaving blossoms. and i will, of course, share all of that information on here.

27. the gentleman returns

i know, i've been super awful this month at blogging. BUT i have an excuse, so please don't throw things at me! because i promise i am still on my quest to become a gentleman.

i've been reaaaaalllllyyyyy busy these past few weeks putting up a new show, and now that we've finally started doing shows, i'm getting a little bit of my time back. which means i can focus on more than waking up, going to work, coming home, walking the dog and going to bed.

so what have i been doing with the little bit of free time i have between shows?! besides wedding planning GALORE i've been going to the gym. well, at least for the past three days so far. but still, let's be completely honest. the last time i went to the gym was my junior year of college when i went to the wellness center all of two times with friends who were on a fitness kick. that was the last time i stepped foot in a gym.

so i've been taking advantage of the local gym on my down time. and i have to say, i love it. which totally surprises me, because that's so not something i ever expected to hear myself admit. but there's just something that feels so good about finishing an hour of cardio. and a gentleman takes care of himself. both inside and out. and since i've focused basically my entire life on working on my insides, it's time i suck up the gut and start working on these outsides of mine.

some of the cast feel the same way that i do, so we've started this little gym club, going when we have a few hours to kill. and it's been so great having people to go with, because even though we do our own thing, it's nice to have someone to go along with.

so that's what i'm focusing on now. getting my exercise routine together. among other things, but i'm really going to take advantage of the time i have here and the resources around me. because, let's be real, daddy isn't getting any younger and it's time i start taking care of myself for the future.

26. the sick gentleman

i've learned that it's impossible to be a gentleman when you're sick. because when my body is under attack, i revert back to a child. and it's so hard to be a gentleman when i just want someone to take care of me.

luckily, my schedule this past week has been pretty easy, so i've been able to take care of myself and recover. i've just had to sacrifice some social outings. but who wants to go out anyways when they're not feeling well? because there's nothing worse than trying to pretend to be happy and jovial in public when the truth is you feel like walking death.

i feel bad though, because i've also found that being sick has made me a little short tempered. and i've taken some of my feelings out on rob. like when he came home late the other night. he knew i wasn't feeling well, but still came home at 4am and woke me up - and then didn't get in bed until after 5 - so i was furious. i didn't understand why he wasn't being sympathetic. because if he wasn't feeling well, i would have come home so much earlier. so i got mad. it wasn't at all gentlemanly, but i couldn't help myself. in retrospect, i was being silly. but in the moment, i couldn't see past my sick induced anger.

eh. i guess you win some and lose some. at least i had the excuse of being sick. with a fever. and chills. it's hard to be polite when you're having chills in bed.

of course, now i'm making excuses. and i guess the real question is - do gentlemen make excuses. and we all know the answer is no.

but we live and we learn. so i'll just take this as a lesson and try not to be such a sissy bitch about being sick next time.

25. february

i still have ten months worth of kinks to shake out of my life, but when i got dressed for work today, i looked at myself in the mirror and felt this huge wave of accomplishment wash over me. today i started the job i've been patiently waiting a month for, and it felt good to wake up with a sense of purpose. i got up, got dressed, packed my leather bag and headed out to the professional world. and i felt amazing.

that feeling only elevated when i got to the studios and filled out my application for the actors union, because that means i'm legit now. if i was never legit before, this just seals the deal. and as i looked around the room at all the actors i was sharing space with, i felt blessed. it was a good feeling.

i've definitely had some days where i've done absolutely nothing this month and i've felt worthless. but i've also been more social this month than i have in the past 6. and today was another one of those days - starting a new job and making introductions. i know i have a lot of work left to do on this gentleman gig, but i feel little bits paying off.

hopefully with this new work schedule, i can really start to focus on creating a routine for myself. it was really hard to motivate myself to wake up and be productive when i had nothing to do. now i have a purpose and things to fill my hours with. so here's on to a new project just in time for march.

as for february, i've felt pretty good about my social interactions. i've had birthday dinners and surprise parties and bachelor parties to attend. i had valentine's day to celebrate and family to entertain and i'm not done with the meetings and events scheduled. so i'm proud of myself for getting out there into the world. i tend to shut myself away for some reason. but i still have a lot of work to do, because i have friends i need to see. like larry. it's been too long and that needs to change immediately. it's just hard when so much distance has happened - distance that's all my fault. and he's even made it a point to tell me he can put it behind him. it's not so easy for me.

i have to say rob has been a big help in this process without realizing it. we've had things scheduled and it's helped having him to answer to regarding our social calendar. i'm not always so good alone. i work really well in a pair though. i've always been that way, though. i guess that's why it feels so good wearing my engagement ring. i like knowing i belong to something. i'm not just wandering around aimlessly.

because i know i said i'm doing this all for me, and i'm definitely not taking that back, but it helps that i have someone to hold me accountable.

24. a gentleman skis

today i remembered two HUGE things about myself that i had forgotten...

1. i'm not good at learning new (and unfamiliar) things

2. i don't know how to laugh at myself

rob and i went skiing with our friend ari today. rob and ari are both brilliant skiers. i had never been before. so i wasn't entirely sure how the day was going to pan out. i will admit, when we were leaving to head to the mountain this morning i was kind of excited. we watched a funny ski movie on the way that really perked me up and got me in the mood. and then i actually strapped myself into a pair of skis and hit the bunny slope and that's when it happened.

i became the grinch.

now, to be fair, i haven't taken any kind of lesson or class in what feels like a million years, so i've forgotten how uncomfortable i get when i'm trying out something new. so of course i didn't remember this monster that dwells deep inside my ego. now, let me say in my own defense, there are plenty of things i enjoy the process of learning. anything academic, as long as i'm not bored by the subject matter, is a joy to learn. anything that makes me feel like i'm back in gym class, however, is not the same.

my definition of hell is gym class. a big, overcrowded gym class where everyone around me (including effing 3 year olds - why are 3 year old skiing, by the way?! wtf) are brilliant athletes. everyone around me is excelling. everyone around me is in perfect form and teaming up and smiling and laughing and having so much fun. and i'm in the corner miserable. feeling like i'd rather set myself on fire than endure any more. that is my hell. and that is where i was today when rob and ari were teaching me how to ski. i couldn't get over the fact that i didn't know what i was doing. i couldn't just give in to the experience. i just spent the whole time focused on feeling like i was floundering. like i was this joke on fiberglass.

and i have to stress the fact that i FELT like i was a huge failure. because, in truth, if you asked rob and ari how i did today, i think they'd have really supportive things to say about my first time on the slopes. they were both really excellent teachers and were both superbly gentlemanly in dealing with the personal meltdown i put them through. but i couldn't get past the fact that i felt wildly uncomfortable and incompetent. so instead i became this miserable cantankerous man who was inappropriately outspoken and difficult to handle. i don't know how many times i yelled at rob this afternoon. poor guy.

so today i hang my head in shame and admit that i was not a gentleman. i certainly tried to show my appreciation for the tremendous amounts of help and support rob and ari were showing me. but i couldn't get past this claustrophobic feeling that was taking me over and sucking all the joy out of my body.

but this is how i've always felt when it comes to sports. well, when it comes to anything that i'm not good at, to be honest. there are styles of dance i should go take class in, but because i feel awful at them, i don't go.

i guess the real lesson is that i need to start getting out of my comfort zone more. because the more i can push myself, the more i might be able to get through these feelings. because the goal is to be able to enjoy learning something new. and to be able to learn how to laugh at myself in the process. because, let's not lie, it's funny when you fall down.

so i have to start falling down a lot more. so i can learn to pick myself back up while laughing about the ridiculous fall.