30. july

hello july.

you snuck up on me quick. i thought i'd have a little more time until you made it to the party. but alas. you're here. and you brought along with you so many sneaky little tricks tucked away in your summer satchel.

i'm not happy to see you. i'm sorry if that hurts your feelings, but you're the whistle blower, waking me up to the fact that 2011 is half over. thanks for reminding me. or depressing me, rather.

i started this year off so strong. with the best of intentions. but then i let them go.

oh july. why did things go south so quickly?

i've been trying to figure out exactly what went wrong. and the other day, as i was waiting for the A train to take me home, i pinpointed exactly what happened...

i lost control. of. my. life.

or rather, i realized i need to do something to TAKE control of my life.

there was a time in my life where i LOVED going with the flow. letting things work themselves out. trusting in god and the fates above and destiny and all that mythology, but not anymore.

july, you sneaky biotch, you have my birthday tucked away in your back pocket. and as i creep up to the edge of 28, i can't help but recognize the fact that i am NOT a little boy anymore. and as much as i'd love to live the spontaneous life, i just can't.

i can feel my soul slowly metamorphosing into an adult.

i know, july, you don't have to remind me that i still have problems waking up early. i don't think i'll ever fully be that kind of adult. but i have this need for stability stirring inside me. this need to sprout roots. to find some bricks and lay out a foundation and build a house and settle down.

that's what i'm feeling. and i can't fight it. and it's driving me craaazzzzyyyyyyyyy july. it's driving me insane. because you know what?! i chose to be an actor. i chose to be an artist. i chose to live this crazy gypsy life. and the only way you can really be successful is if you throw yourself to the wind and see where she takes you.

but i've been fighting the wind for a while now. and i'm at this place where i have to figure out what to do next.

what do i do july?!

do i give in to the urgings of my soul or do i give in to the wind?

so that's what i'm dealing with july. that's what i've been dealing with for a while now. i'm growing up. whether i like it or not. and i'm definitely turning into a man.

i just don't know how gentle will that man be...