it's official. i am a terrible blogger. terrible. this is a fact i've always known about myself, but i always seem to think there may be the chance that i'll change.
alas. i. have. not.
but i keep coming back. that's got to count for something, right?
right.
because when you set out on an epic journey of self discovery, you're going to have your ups and downs. clearly. but as long as you keep on trudging, you'll be fine.
i'm still trudging.
i've been really dramatic lately. really. ask rob, poor soul. he's the real gentleman here, having to deal with my sorry ass.
it's been a rough summer. and because it's been a rough summer, i shut down. completely. i resigned from the world for the first time in almost 6 years. the last time was back in college, and thankfully i had my best friends david and jennifer to pull me out. this time i had rob. and i'm not out of the woods yet, but i'm trying. which, as i've just figured out, stands for something.
i've also realized something else. i don't know how to live my life without being told what to do. seriously. i have no idea.
get this. i grew up at home. always had mom and dad and teachers and extra curricular activities tell me how to spend my time. then i went to college and had classes and work study and rehearsals and shows. i sort of broke down in the middle, but pulled things together senior year when i was super busy. then i graduated and started working professionally. i was lucky to work straight through for three years. first in NC. then in VA. then in Japan. those jobs kept me busy. and when i didn't fill up my days off, i just thought i was relaxing. it didn't bother me that i didn't really do much. unless i was traveling and site seeing, i'd sleep in and watch tv. play on the computer. maybe see someone or have dinner. but usually i'd just keep to myself and enjoy it. and then i moved to new york, where my life has been more my own than it's ever been because i haven't had a schedule to adhere to or places to be - and guess what. i started falling apart again. all this time on my hands, which i always thought was a gift, has in fact been killing me. when i work, it's always part time. my schedule is all over the map. auditions happen but it's up to me to go. no one is taking attendance. so if i decide not to go to an audition, there are no consequences other than not being seen (unless my agent sets up an audition. that's the only time i am held accountable). i have this entire life at my disposal - days and nights to do with as i please - and i'm doing nothing. it's overwhelming and stress inducing and i didn't realize this until just yesterday.
i need to figure out how to live my life. how to fill my days.
so maybe i should start with a schedule? in the movie about a boy, hugh grant talks about setting up his days in 30 minute increments. maybe i should do that. units of time. fill them up slowly. force myself to do the dishes. to do laundry. only play video games for an hour (and not 8). maybe i should start cooking dinner, and not just ordering in.
i have to take control. because i've completely lost it. i've let myself go and if i don't get it together, i'm a goner.
and i don't want to be a goner.
so here i go, again, stepping into tomorrow.
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