26. the sick gentleman

i've learned that it's impossible to be a gentleman when you're sick. because when my body is under attack, i revert back to a child. and it's so hard to be a gentleman when i just want someone to take care of me.

luckily, my schedule this past week has been pretty easy, so i've been able to take care of myself and recover. i've just had to sacrifice some social outings. but who wants to go out anyways when they're not feeling well? because there's nothing worse than trying to pretend to be happy and jovial in public when the truth is you feel like walking death.

i feel bad though, because i've also found that being sick has made me a little short tempered. and i've taken some of my feelings out on rob. like when he came home late the other night. he knew i wasn't feeling well, but still came home at 4am and woke me up - and then didn't get in bed until after 5 - so i was furious. i didn't understand why he wasn't being sympathetic. because if he wasn't feeling well, i would have come home so much earlier. so i got mad. it wasn't at all gentlemanly, but i couldn't help myself. in retrospect, i was being silly. but in the moment, i couldn't see past my sick induced anger.

eh. i guess you win some and lose some. at least i had the excuse of being sick. with a fever. and chills. it's hard to be polite when you're having chills in bed.

of course, now i'm making excuses. and i guess the real question is - do gentlemen make excuses. and we all know the answer is no.

but we live and we learn. so i'll just take this as a lesson and try not to be such a sissy bitch about being sick next time.

25. february

i still have ten months worth of kinks to shake out of my life, but when i got dressed for work today, i looked at myself in the mirror and felt this huge wave of accomplishment wash over me. today i started the job i've been patiently waiting a month for, and it felt good to wake up with a sense of purpose. i got up, got dressed, packed my leather bag and headed out to the professional world. and i felt amazing.

that feeling only elevated when i got to the studios and filled out my application for the actors union, because that means i'm legit now. if i was never legit before, this just seals the deal. and as i looked around the room at all the actors i was sharing space with, i felt blessed. it was a good feeling.

i've definitely had some days where i've done absolutely nothing this month and i've felt worthless. but i've also been more social this month than i have in the past 6. and today was another one of those days - starting a new job and making introductions. i know i have a lot of work left to do on this gentleman gig, but i feel little bits paying off.

hopefully with this new work schedule, i can really start to focus on creating a routine for myself. it was really hard to motivate myself to wake up and be productive when i had nothing to do. now i have a purpose and things to fill my hours with. so here's on to a new project just in time for march.

as for february, i've felt pretty good about my social interactions. i've had birthday dinners and surprise parties and bachelor parties to attend. i had valentine's day to celebrate and family to entertain and i'm not done with the meetings and events scheduled. so i'm proud of myself for getting out there into the world. i tend to shut myself away for some reason. but i still have a lot of work to do, because i have friends i need to see. like larry. it's been too long and that needs to change immediately. it's just hard when so much distance has happened - distance that's all my fault. and he's even made it a point to tell me he can put it behind him. it's not so easy for me.

i have to say rob has been a big help in this process without realizing it. we've had things scheduled and it's helped having him to answer to regarding our social calendar. i'm not always so good alone. i work really well in a pair though. i've always been that way, though. i guess that's why it feels so good wearing my engagement ring. i like knowing i belong to something. i'm not just wandering around aimlessly.

because i know i said i'm doing this all for me, and i'm definitely not taking that back, but it helps that i have someone to hold me accountable.

24. a gentleman skis

today i remembered two HUGE things about myself that i had forgotten...

1. i'm not good at learning new (and unfamiliar) things

2. i don't know how to laugh at myself

rob and i went skiing with our friend ari today. rob and ari are both brilliant skiers. i had never been before. so i wasn't entirely sure how the day was going to pan out. i will admit, when we were leaving to head to the mountain this morning i was kind of excited. we watched a funny ski movie on the way that really perked me up and got me in the mood. and then i actually strapped myself into a pair of skis and hit the bunny slope and that's when it happened.

i became the grinch.

now, to be fair, i haven't taken any kind of lesson or class in what feels like a million years, so i've forgotten how uncomfortable i get when i'm trying out something new. so of course i didn't remember this monster that dwells deep inside my ego. now, let me say in my own defense, there are plenty of things i enjoy the process of learning. anything academic, as long as i'm not bored by the subject matter, is a joy to learn. anything that makes me feel like i'm back in gym class, however, is not the same.

my definition of hell is gym class. a big, overcrowded gym class where everyone around me (including effing 3 year olds - why are 3 year old skiing, by the way?! wtf) are brilliant athletes. everyone around me is excelling. everyone around me is in perfect form and teaming up and smiling and laughing and having so much fun. and i'm in the corner miserable. feeling like i'd rather set myself on fire than endure any more. that is my hell. and that is where i was today when rob and ari were teaching me how to ski. i couldn't get over the fact that i didn't know what i was doing. i couldn't just give in to the experience. i just spent the whole time focused on feeling like i was floundering. like i was this joke on fiberglass.

and i have to stress the fact that i FELT like i was a huge failure. because, in truth, if you asked rob and ari how i did today, i think they'd have really supportive things to say about my first time on the slopes. they were both really excellent teachers and were both superbly gentlemanly in dealing with the personal meltdown i put them through. but i couldn't get past the fact that i felt wildly uncomfortable and incompetent. so instead i became this miserable cantankerous man who was inappropriately outspoken and difficult to handle. i don't know how many times i yelled at rob this afternoon. poor guy.

so today i hang my head in shame and admit that i was not a gentleman. i certainly tried to show my appreciation for the tremendous amounts of help and support rob and ari were showing me. but i couldn't get past this claustrophobic feeling that was taking me over and sucking all the joy out of my body.

but this is how i've always felt when it comes to sports. well, when it comes to anything that i'm not good at, to be honest. there are styles of dance i should go take class in, but because i feel awful at them, i don't go.

i guess the real lesson is that i need to start getting out of my comfort zone more. because the more i can push myself, the more i might be able to get through these feelings. because the goal is to be able to enjoy learning something new. and to be able to learn how to laugh at myself in the process. because, let's not lie, it's funny when you fall down.

so i have to start falling down a lot more. so i can learn to pick myself back up while laughing about the ridiculous fall.

23. change of direction

i stumbled upon this quote today while i was on the Q train. it was on an advertisement for something (i can't remember now what it was). even though i don't know what the product was, the quote managed to stick with me. it sort of reached off the train wall and slapped me hard in the face.

"if you do not change direction you may end up where you are heading." - lao tzu

i felt like the universe was trying to talk to me. directly to me. i mean, truer words have not been spoken. because this is exactly why i'm on this journey this year. when i decided to start this project, i felt like i was heading in the wrong direction. i felt like i needed to stop what i was doing and u-turn my life around. because who knows where i was going to end up.

but now i'm starting to feel really good about where i'm headed. and i know i still need to adjust the directions a little bit, but i'm starting to head to a good place. i really feel it.

i know i said i was going to spend february working on becoming a man of routine, but fate has decided i needed to focus on something else. and since fate and i have always been great friends, i've decided to take her advice. so i think i'll work on defining my daily routine next month. because this month is being devoted to socialization.

now, i know i've written a lot of stuff over the last few weeks. and i know i've thrown out words like anxiety and misanthropy in my last few posts. and those are definitely things that i deal with. but i need to say that above and beyond anything else, i do like being social. i do like seeing my friends. and i do like going out. it just takes some effort.

but this month, i've had a really busy social calendar. and it's been nice. i haven't really felt any anxiety. i feel like i've been charming and entertaining. i feel like i've been good at following the rules of introducing people. so far, it's been a good month. so i'm going to keep working on it. but that's what i've been inadvertently focusing on.

it's a change of direction from my original plan, but i'll take it. because i've learned that the universe usually knows what i need better than i do.

22. lessons and progress

i hate schmoozing. literally. i hate it. i try not to hate many things because i learned from my parents that it's wrong to hate. i learned from teachers that hate is a harsh word and an evil soul-killing feeling and all of that. but i can't help myself. i. hate. schmoozing.

i mean, i think i have social anxiety, remember? schmoozing makes me feel dirty. i feel fake. i feel disingenuous (i wanted to say i feel in-genuine, but that's not a real word).

but as i embark further in my quest to be a gentleman, i'm learning that i have to embrace the schmooze. because, as i've learned in chapter four of how to be a gentleman, "a gentleman says the right thing."

last night i went to a show that one of my very very very very very very very dear friends was in (and i'm not just saying that because elyse asked me if i'd blog about her *wink* the show was excellent, by the way. elyse is quite an extraordinary actress). well, after elyse's show, there was a little party and that was where i remembered how much i loathe schmoozing.

the show elyse was in was a talent showcase created to connect new york actors with other industry professionals. the show is where the agents and managers and casting directors would get to acquaint themselves with the actors. the after party, on the other hand, was where the actors would get to acquaint themselves with the agents and managers and casting directors. in other words, it was one big schmooze fest.

the whole thing made me wildly uncomfortable. but i was also exceptionally giddy that it wasn't my event, so i had no problem standing back and enjoying the company of elyse, arick (my brother AND elyse's bf fyi) and sean (elyse's bff). no one else mattered. because it was elyse's night and all i had to do was keep quiet and let her shine.

i made it through the event just fine, with no social anxiety attacks. after we left the restaurant, i decided to stop by rob's bar since he was working and i thought it would be nice to see him. so i said goodbye to arick, elyse and sean and headed around the corner.

well. i have social anxiety. and i hate to schmooze. so clearly, it's no shocker when i say that i generally make it a rule never to go to a bar alone. i mean, i have a hard time doing anything social alone, so clearly going to a bar is no exception. but when rob's working, i don't really have a problem staking out a barstool and just playing on my phone for an hour or two. so that's what i did. or what i started to do, anyways. because last night i found myself wrapped up in so many random conversations that i had no choice but to do exactly what i thought i could avoid all night long. that's right. i had to schmooze.

i guess it's not really schmoozing if it's not business related. i guess, really, all i had to do was talk to people. which shouldn't seem like a shocker. but remember that time i said i didn't want to talk to the couple at the theatre? the same thing goes in bars. it's awkward enough that i'm alone. i don't need having a conversation with a stranger to make it more awkward.

but somewhere between the shot i ended up taking with some of the strangers and the drinks i had rob serving me, i realized that this kind of situation is exactly what i need to get myself in to in order to finally start making some changes in my life. i mean, in order to get over this anxiety, i have to work myself through it, right? and how can this gentleman know exactly what to say if he don't practice saying it?

so i gave it a shot. i smiled. i laughed. i tried to create a feeling of genuine interest as i was listening to the things being said. and even though i didn't stay for too long, i at least took a step forward.

and then i woke up today and managed to do it again. twice.

now, even though i live in the same building as all of the tenants who share my apartment, i don't really say much in the elevator. go figure. but today i got on the lift and had a man engage me in conversation. he recognized me and asked how russel (our dog) was, and instead of just answering him and then leaving it at that, i actually kept the conversation going which turned out to work out in my favor in the end. as i was talking to the man, i noticed that he was trying to haul an old carpet out to the trash on a handtruck. so i opened doors for him along the way and kept talking. and as he was coming back inside, he noticed i had some boxes in the lobby of the building.

side note: rob and i had just come back from a trip to ikea. we finally decided it was time for me to get a new dresser (so my clothes could stop living in stacks and piles) as well as a desk for our office. it feels really good to have accomplished something today. though, i wonder how much we really accomplished since all we really did was spend money. does spending money really equate to accomplishing something?

well, anyways, rob was dropping off the zip car at the time and i was babysitting the packages. there was clearly no way i was getting our boxes upstairs by myself. so i was going to just wait until rob got back. but the man offered to help me out. and instead of saying no, like i instinctually would, i said yes. and he helped me. get all three heavy ass ikea boxes upstairs.

i mean, the lesson can only be that i put something out into the universe and got it right back. i was willing to be polite. i was willing to help a stranger. and the sentiment was returned. and it felt really good. and i didn't feel at all disingenuous.

i also helped a stranger back his car into a parking space while i was walking russell, but that's a boring story.

now, i don't think i'm over my anxiety. it's not like one day goes by where i actually talk to people and poof i'm cured. no. not at all. but i'm taking steps. i know they're so ridiculous in scope, but i'm progressing! i felt like such a gentleman helping that man out. and then going out of my way to offer help to a man on the street. i felt like a real person for a change.

and i liked it.

21. social anxiety

when i was in college, i used to diagnose myself with different mental disorders on a biweekly basis. one week i'd think i was bipolar. a few weeks later i'd be convinced i was borderline. then i'd figure i just suffered from plain jane depression. ultimately, my diagnosis would never last long. i'd usually drop the idea after a little bit of research in the library and a big dose of reality from my friends.

but the idea of having social anxiety has never quite left me.

i've never talked to a professional about it. and i've never really felt like the anxiety i suffer from is crippling. but i do still experience it and frankly, i find it ridiculously annoying. and so i'm wondering how i can overcome it. i mean, i know i'm not a professional, so these are just wild ideas that i've thought up, but my anxiety comes as a result of my childhood, right? well, i'm not a child anymore. i'm almost 30. i'm a completely different person. i'm not that fat, awkward kid i was way back then. i can understand why a fat, awkward kid would have problems in social situations. because i'll admit to having no confidence and low self esteem. but seriously, i've grown so far away from that boy. so why do i still feel like him?

i wrote the following on my way to meet some people last night. it's a little journal entry from the moment when i was fighting my anxiety.

i've been getting angry lately. like, when things change, i get mad. like right now. rob's running late and we're supposed to meet up with his great aunt and uncle and their friends for dinner and now i have to do it alone. instead of just saying "oh, it sucks that you're running late and of course i'll meet with them and keep them company until you can get here" i get combative and aggressive and try to make him feel bad. like it's his fault there's traffic in new york city. of course there's traffic in new york city. it's new york city. and it's rush hour. what's wrong with me? this isn't very gentlemanly behavior.

but i can't help my anger and frustration because i have this weird wash of emotions that just comes over me. i'm mad at rob for running late. and i feel really uncomfortable about having to be alone with his family.

it all makes me think i have social anxiety. it'd be one thing if it were rob's mom i was meeting. or his brothers. i'm super comfortable around them. because i've already spent a lot of time with them. but i don't really know his aunt and uncle. i need him here to take the lead. but now i'm uncomfortable. so i'm anxious. it's why i'm not any good at small talk with strangers. unless i've been drinking. i just shut down. i can't think. literally. of anything to say.

yesterday when we were seeing billy elliott, rob struck up a conversation with some strangers sitting in front of him. they asked him a question and it started this whole talk that i didn't really want to be involved with. but then rob pulls me into the conversation, and i felt so awkward. i should have been more open but i wasn't. i didn't want to talk to them. i just didn't want to. i still did. a little. but i felt awkward. and uncomfortable. and it was awful.

how do i change this? is this just a habitual response to habitual behavior? if i change the routine i'm accustomed to and step outside of my comfort zone, and do it often enough, will i be able to change? do i just need practice at not being a wallflower? and with time will my insides change? will i not feel this way anymore? this uncomfortable upheaval of my comfortable existence that creates anxiety and anger?

because none of this is very gentlemanly at all.

i've learned that i can do anything in the world so long as i can make it through my moments of anxiety before hand. i wrote the journal entry on my phone as i was taking the train downtown to meet rob's family. and the thing is, as soon as i met up with them, i was a rock star. i was charming and dashing. i was full of conversation. i was confident and in control. i was the gentleman i wanted to be. and i had a great time. rob showed up an hour late to dinner and it felt like only twenty minutes had passed. nothing was awkward. it was totally comfortable. then we went to to theatre and after the show we had dessert and hot chocolate. i had a brilliant time.

i wish i had known all along that i would be fine. but i couldn't see through the haze that was distracting my view when rob called and told me he was running late. i just felt this knot in my stomach and that's all i could focus on.

the good thing is that i know i can do this. i just have to, i don't know, meditate a little and work on my initial response. instead of getting mad at rob, i have to just step back and accept what's happened and trust that i'll be fine. because, even though i can nitpick the hell out of myself, i'm more of a gentleman than i've been giving myself credit for. sure, i could stand to work out more and i need to get my finances in order. but i'm a good guy. a really good guy. so i can stop feeling like that socially awkward fat boy. i'm not him anymore.

20. routine

i think i need a routine.

for some reason, i've always been morally opposed to maintaining any sort of schedule. it's kind of like my thing against wearing watches. i don't want to be bound by time. i know, lame. i think i stole that idea from a movie. but it's true. i like to think i'm the master and commander of my own fate and universe. which means i don't want to have to answer to the taunts of a schedule. i don't want to be anywhere other than where i want to be doing what i want to do. but that's a little childish. and since i've spent the last month literally sleeping my days away, i'm starting to think that i need to take control.

yea, i think i need an intervention. i've spent the last 27 years doing whatever i want. which means i sleep a lot and always take the garbage out a week later than i should.

so february, it's time i break the cycle of having no routine. that's right february. we're going to create one. because a gentleman is the captain of his ship. he's not just a passenger. i've been cruising for longer than i'd like to admit. it's time i step up and take control.

so here we go.