33. birthday

oh boy. oh boy oh boyohboyohboyohboy.

it's my birthday.

goodbye 27. heloooooo 28.

lately i've been really over facebook. it's been a huge source of frustration more than anything else. i've figured out that sometimes, spying on people only leads to news i'd rather not hear. of course, the real lesson here is that i need to accept that can't compare myself with other people. i'm on a different path. so my successes can't be compared to theirs.

clearly this is a hard truth for me to accept. but hopefully it's a pill i can swallow this year.

BUT back to facebook. facebook is always awesome on your birthday. ALWAYS. nothing feels better than waking up to hundreds of well-wishes. and you know what, i'll take that!

i'll also take this rain. thank you, new york, for that unexpected gift. it's been scorching lately. it's been so uncomfortably stifling.

so i'll take this rain. i'll take this cleansing shower. and i will rejoice. my soul is in need of it. my soul needs a baptism right now. because this last year has been wonderful and terrible and has taken me to higher highs and lower lows and i'm looking forward to this next year and the ride i'm strapping myself into.

so here we go 28. you and me. hand in hand. arms locked as we skip into the wild blue yonder we call life.

happy birthday. to. me.

32. russel

you think you hit low. and then you sink lower.

my dog died today. the heat was too much for him. the heat was too much for everybody, i guess.

i'm angry. and i feel numb. and i don't think i can cry enough tears for russel.

31. little victories

question:

what do you do when things are broken? when you've ruined your life and it's in scattered shards all over the floor?

answer:

you keep going.

step. by. step. until things make sense again.

wake up. check.

shower. check.

brush teeth. check.

go to work. check.

come home. check.

wash the dishes.

do the laundry.

walk the dogs.

cook (or, let's be really honest here - order in).

eat.

sleep.

repeat.

repeat.

repeat.

repeat until things seem normal again.

it isn't easy. getting out of bed is usually the hardest part. but as long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other, you'll make it. step by step. until yesterday is a week ago. and then it's a month ago. and then, eventually, it was a year ago and the scars are almost invisible.

it isn't easy. but we have to celebrate the little victories. make every single moment count. and keep going.

30. july

hello july.

you snuck up on me quick. i thought i'd have a little more time until you made it to the party. but alas. you're here. and you brought along with you so many sneaky little tricks tucked away in your summer satchel.

i'm not happy to see you. i'm sorry if that hurts your feelings, but you're the whistle blower, waking me up to the fact that 2011 is half over. thanks for reminding me. or depressing me, rather.

i started this year off so strong. with the best of intentions. but then i let them go.

oh july. why did things go south so quickly?

i've been trying to figure out exactly what went wrong. and the other day, as i was waiting for the A train to take me home, i pinpointed exactly what happened...

i lost control. of. my. life.

or rather, i realized i need to do something to TAKE control of my life.

there was a time in my life where i LOVED going with the flow. letting things work themselves out. trusting in god and the fates above and destiny and all that mythology, but not anymore.

july, you sneaky biotch, you have my birthday tucked away in your back pocket. and as i creep up to the edge of 28, i can't help but recognize the fact that i am NOT a little boy anymore. and as much as i'd love to live the spontaneous life, i just can't.

i can feel my soul slowly metamorphosing into an adult.

i know, july, you don't have to remind me that i still have problems waking up early. i don't think i'll ever fully be that kind of adult. but i have this need for stability stirring inside me. this need to sprout roots. to find some bricks and lay out a foundation and build a house and settle down.

that's what i'm feeling. and i can't fight it. and it's driving me craaazzzzyyyyyyyyy july. it's driving me insane. because you know what?! i chose to be an actor. i chose to be an artist. i chose to live this crazy gypsy life. and the only way you can really be successful is if you throw yourself to the wind and see where she takes you.

but i've been fighting the wind for a while now. and i'm at this place where i have to figure out what to do next.

what do i do july?!

do i give in to the urgings of my soul or do i give in to the wind?

so that's what i'm dealing with july. that's what i've been dealing with for a while now. i'm growing up. whether i like it or not. and i'm definitely turning into a man.

i just don't know how gentle will that man be...