i'm three sessions in to a meditation workshop. and i'm amazed that it's taken me so long to discover this.
i just started working for this new fitness studio in new york. we're very holistic, and all about energy, so when the chance to take a meditation workshop came up, we all immediately signed up.
usually i'm against these sort of things. i mean, the idea of hypnosis makes my eyes involuntarily roll, because i can't imagine anyone realistically letting someone else control their mind. and i've tried to sit down and quiet my mind, but too many thoughts flood around in my head for me to stop thinking for more than three seconds.
but this workshop has changed my life. completely. and it's giving me this new life and energy that i haven't had in a long time. this newfound life and energy that's going to help me tackle life and my gentleman project.
see, last year i did things all wrong. i was working from the outside in. this year, i'm doing it right. working from the inside out.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Sunday, January 8, 2012
41. week 1
so. i had the idea of the year of the gentleman LAST year. but it really seems like THIS year was meant to be the year of the gentleman.
i'll explain.
this time last year i didn't have anything on my plate. all i was doing was sleeping a lot and criticizing myself for drinking out of the milk carton.
this year i have an AMAZING job that inspires me. i'm waking up early every day to head out to work. i'm so much more excited about being out in the world. and i have purpose. i didn't have purpose last year. at all. i thought i did, but i didn't. at all.
but now i do! so now i have a reason (and a want) to follow through with the things i set out to do. update my wardrobe, for instance, for work. and for play. workout and take control of my body. be social and make it a point to regularly see my friends. i bought a book today to read because i want to. i feel so alive.
that's all i needed. an offing job. that wasn't just a gig to pay the rent. but something that i find fulfilling.
this is amazing.
so needless to say, the first week of the year has been amazing. i mean, the last two months of '11 were great - but i'm already noticing a huge difference in myself. in my lifestyle. in my soul.
so maybe i'll actually stick with chronicling things this year. because i'm finally on the right track. and it feels so good.
i'll explain.
this time last year i didn't have anything on my plate. all i was doing was sleeping a lot and criticizing myself for drinking out of the milk carton.
this year i have an AMAZING job that inspires me. i'm waking up early every day to head out to work. i'm so much more excited about being out in the world. and i have purpose. i didn't have purpose last year. at all. i thought i did, but i didn't. at all.
but now i do! so now i have a reason (and a want) to follow through with the things i set out to do. update my wardrobe, for instance, for work. and for play. workout and take control of my body. be social and make it a point to regularly see my friends. i bought a book today to read because i want to. i feel so alive.
that's all i needed. an offing job. that wasn't just a gig to pay the rent. but something that i find fulfilling.
this is amazing.
so needless to say, the first week of the year has been amazing. i mean, the last two months of '11 were great - but i'm already noticing a huge difference in myself. in my lifestyle. in my soul.
so maybe i'll actually stick with chronicling things this year. because i'm finally on the right track. and it feels so good.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
40. hello 2012
hello, 2012. my name is anthony. it's very nice to meet you.
2011 and i didn't really see eye to eye. well, that's not entirely true. the petulant child in me didn't like 2011 because things didn't necessarily work out the way i wanted them to. but 2011, being much wiser than me, gave me exactly what i needed.
i did say i wanted to spend 2011 growing and becoming a gentleman. well, i had plenty of opportunities to do just that.
so where am i now? a year later, i'm in pretty much the same place. but i'm a little bit stronger. a little bit wiser. a little bit more focused. last year, the gentleman thing was an idea. one that i eventually got bored with. i tried to convince myself that it was something i was really going to focus on. but i didn't. and that's ok.
i was focusing on all the wrong things. i started out by focusing on all the things i could do to become a gentleman. i wasn't focusing on what it would actually take to get there. i was trying to work from the outside in instead of from the inside out. so maybe this year i'll start where i should have started last year. i'll focus on my honor and integrity and intention, not on how i dress and whether or not i drink from the milk carton. because you can dress anyone up to look like a gentleman. that doesn't mean he is one.
and i want to be one.
i really want to be one.
i have some really wonderful things to focus on this year. a new job that i adore. a theatre company that i've started with three friends. a one man show that i'm going to start writing based partly on this blog. i have wonderful things to focus on. and through those things, i'll have opportunities to grow as a gentleman.
i think that's where i failed last year. i didn't have things to do. i spent a lot of time at home, doing nothing. i spent majority of the year unemployed. and when i was working it was out of necessity. not out of interest. and because of that, i found myself grasping for this impossible happiness. i was floundering and sinking. how could i possibly be a gentleman?!
so hello, 2012. i'm going to do things a lot differently this year.
so let's go!
2011 and i didn't really see eye to eye. well, that's not entirely true. the petulant child in me didn't like 2011 because things didn't necessarily work out the way i wanted them to. but 2011, being much wiser than me, gave me exactly what i needed.
i did say i wanted to spend 2011 growing and becoming a gentleman. well, i had plenty of opportunities to do just that.
so where am i now? a year later, i'm in pretty much the same place. but i'm a little bit stronger. a little bit wiser. a little bit more focused. last year, the gentleman thing was an idea. one that i eventually got bored with. i tried to convince myself that it was something i was really going to focus on. but i didn't. and that's ok.
i was focusing on all the wrong things. i started out by focusing on all the things i could do to become a gentleman. i wasn't focusing on what it would actually take to get there. i was trying to work from the outside in instead of from the inside out. so maybe this year i'll start where i should have started last year. i'll focus on my honor and integrity and intention, not on how i dress and whether or not i drink from the milk carton. because you can dress anyone up to look like a gentleman. that doesn't mean he is one.
and i want to be one.
i really want to be one.
i have some really wonderful things to focus on this year. a new job that i adore. a theatre company that i've started with three friends. a one man show that i'm going to start writing based partly on this blog. i have wonderful things to focus on. and through those things, i'll have opportunities to grow as a gentleman.
i think that's where i failed last year. i didn't have things to do. i spent a lot of time at home, doing nothing. i spent majority of the year unemployed. and when i was working it was out of necessity. not out of interest. and because of that, i found myself grasping for this impossible happiness. i was floundering and sinking. how could i possibly be a gentleman?!
so hello, 2012. i'm going to do things a lot differently this year.
so let's go!
Friday, December 30, 2011
39. tomorrow is new year's eve...
oh me.
what a year. i guess i fell off the grid a little while ago. figures. something i'm not particularly good at: following through with things. well, that's not entirely true - it really depends on the thing. i mean, i'm really great at sitting on the couch and watching entire seasons of television in one sitting. so i should amend my statement by saying i'm not good at following through with major projects that i set out to accomplish. unless it's work related (or involves television), it'll never get done.
2012 resolution maybe? nah...
i think i might forego resolutions altogether next year. i think resolutions are nice, but they end up being this inner battle where we pinpoint terrible things about ourselves and where we proclaim how we're going to change and why. and then we fail and beat ourselves up. well, i'm tired of looking at myself and judging what i see. i need to just accept who i am and where i'm at and call it a day. i guess that's what i've learned over 2011. i've spent so much time trying to be someone instead of just being who i am - gentleman or not. i will always have bad habits. i will always have things to learn. and there's nothing wrong with that.
what a year. i guess i fell off the grid a little while ago. figures. something i'm not particularly good at: following through with things. well, that's not entirely true - it really depends on the thing. i mean, i'm really great at sitting on the couch and watching entire seasons of television in one sitting. so i should amend my statement by saying i'm not good at following through with major projects that i set out to accomplish. unless it's work related (or involves television), it'll never get done.
2012 resolution maybe? nah...
i think i might forego resolutions altogether next year. i think resolutions are nice, but they end up being this inner battle where we pinpoint terrible things about ourselves and where we proclaim how we're going to change and why. and then we fail and beat ourselves up. well, i'm tired of looking at myself and judging what i see. i need to just accept who i am and where i'm at and call it a day. i guess that's what i've learned over 2011. i've spent so much time trying to be someone instead of just being who i am - gentleman or not. i will always have bad habits. i will always have things to learn. and there's nothing wrong with that.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
38. let down your hair
sometimes i feel like rapunzel. and all i have is a window and a computer through which i experience the world. only, i've locked myself inside the tower and not some evil witch.
and when i feel that way, like i'm trapped, i write. i write to free myself. i write to free my mind from the stories in my head. i write to reach out to the world around me. and i write because sometimes it's the only way i know how to live.
i know that sounds super depressing but it's not mean to be. it's just a truth. i mean, i only really write when something heavy is on my mind. i don't write when things are easy. i write when things are hard.
i write when i need to let down my hair and climb out of the tower.
and when i feel that way, like i'm trapped, i write. i write to free myself. i write to free my mind from the stories in my head. i write to reach out to the world around me. and i write because sometimes it's the only way i know how to live.
i know that sounds super depressing but it's not mean to be. it's just a truth. i mean, i only really write when something heavy is on my mind. i don't write when things are easy. i write when things are hard.
i write when i need to let down my hair and climb out of the tower.
Friday, September 23, 2011
37. the truth
here's the thing...i need a job doing what i love. i need to do more than survival jobs. i'm tired of just getting by. i want a career. not just a hobby. i'm discouraged that auditions aren't leading to anything right now. i know i should be happy that i keep getting final callbacks for shows, but seriously, can't i just get cast? can't the universe pick me this time?
sometimes when i write i get cryptic. i talk in circles. around things rather than about them.
but i'm sad that the universe keeps choosing other people over me. it makes me lose faith in myself, in this career, in my choices...
i should buck up, i guess, deal with it all. but. it's. hard.
that's all.
sometimes when i write i get cryptic. i talk in circles. around things rather than about them.
but i'm sad that the universe keeps choosing other people over me. it makes me lose faith in myself, in this career, in my choices...
i should buck up, i guess, deal with it all. but. it's. hard.
that's all.
36. funeral
I'm on my iPhone, so it's impossible for me to get into the groove of writing like I'd like to, but I'm on Long Island and my computer is in Manhattan, so I have no choice.
I went to a funeral today. Rob's uncle passed away last weekend unexpectedly and the service was today. Being the good boy that I am, I came out here to support him and his family. Nothing is worse than having to deal with unexpected death. That's something I had the pleasure of learning earlier this summer when my dog died. I was devastated. And I only had Russel for two years. So I can imagine the agony of losing a husband/father/favorite uncle/brother/friend. Clearly the grief is overwhelming and it's always good to be surrounded by love. So I came out to support my L.I. family. Naturally, it's what a gentleman would do.
Which is actually my first truly gentlemanly act in a while. It feels good to be getting my footing again after a long summer.
The thing about funerals that always gets to me is religion. Religion is such a tricky squirrel. And now, more than ever, I am so totally baffled by its mysteries. I've never really been all that religious. I went to church as a kid, but it seemed more of a social thing for my family than anything else. My brother and I went with mom. Dad stopped going pretty early on, which is strange since he's obviously the most religious person in my family. But the misanthrope in him kept him at home. Church for me was never really about God. It was about pagentry. Literally. It's where I got my first taste of theatre.
Eventually we stopped going. I was in middle school when that happened. I'm not sure why we stopped attending, exactly, but we did.
So the idea of God was never really impressed upon me growing up. Both of my parents have made mention of their spirituality every now and again, but it's such a personal relationship (and not one that I was ever really privy to) so that when I find myself in a place of worship for any reason, I am perplexed at this mass of people singing and chanting and proclaiming their love of God.
Now don't get me wrong. I understand the sociology and psychology of religion. And I have my moments where I realize there are voids in my life that could be filled by faith. But like all of the other holes in my life that need filling, I find that the social norms and the accepted ways of doing things are alien to me.
From time to time I meditate on the thought of God. The last time I did this was the summer between my freshman and sophomore years of college. Being in the church today made me wonder if it's time I do a little more digging. Especially being where I'm at in my life right now. I've lost faith in what I thought to be true this summer and I fear the only way I can move forward is to figure out what I want to believe in. Either find something new or solidify what I already thought to be true and realize this past summer was just a test of faith.
It's funny, I remember writing something earlier this year about making this year a religious quest, but the art of being a gentleman was to be my new religion. But maybe I need to take stock in my personal relationship with the abstract of god. The Bible, no, but God, yes.
We'll see, I suppose. It's at least worth the thought...
I used to put my faith in the universe. You could call that God or fate. But I believed wholeheartedly that everything had a reason and all things worked out the way they were meant to be. Personal experiences even proved that my life was being taken care of. The road may have been winding, but I was always able to, in hindsight, see how the road got me from there to here.
This summer, however, when dreams were lost and pain took over, faith left too. I know I'm not "here" yet, and I'm still on the path from "there" but I feel like I've been "there" for too long now. I'm restless and unhappy and I've seen so many possible "heres" come and go that I've started giving up on waiting for the destination to present itself. I guess I just feel like I've been left in limbo and this is the longest I've been stuck here. And that is why I write of not knowing how to fill my days. I'm so used to being directed and guided. My life feels like this constant path that I occasionally make pit stops at, and I've been looking for a pit stop for the past few miles with no signs of one in sight...
But faith would tell me that there's one ahead. There's always one ahead. I just have to keep moving forward in its direction. That's the real answer. The one constant I keep coming to. I have to keep moving.
I went to a funeral today. Rob's uncle passed away last weekend unexpectedly and the service was today. Being the good boy that I am, I came out here to support him and his family. Nothing is worse than having to deal with unexpected death. That's something I had the pleasure of learning earlier this summer when my dog died. I was devastated. And I only had Russel for two years. So I can imagine the agony of losing a husband/father/favorite uncle/brother/friend. Clearly the grief is overwhelming and it's always good to be surrounded by love. So I came out to support my L.I. family. Naturally, it's what a gentleman would do.
Which is actually my first truly gentlemanly act in a while. It feels good to be getting my footing again after a long summer.
The thing about funerals that always gets to me is religion. Religion is such a tricky squirrel. And now, more than ever, I am so totally baffled by its mysteries. I've never really been all that religious. I went to church as a kid, but it seemed more of a social thing for my family than anything else. My brother and I went with mom. Dad stopped going pretty early on, which is strange since he's obviously the most religious person in my family. But the misanthrope in him kept him at home. Church for me was never really about God. It was about pagentry. Literally. It's where I got my first taste of theatre.
Eventually we stopped going. I was in middle school when that happened. I'm not sure why we stopped attending, exactly, but we did.
So the idea of God was never really impressed upon me growing up. Both of my parents have made mention of their spirituality every now and again, but it's such a personal relationship (and not one that I was ever really privy to) so that when I find myself in a place of worship for any reason, I am perplexed at this mass of people singing and chanting and proclaiming their love of God.
Now don't get me wrong. I understand the sociology and psychology of religion. And I have my moments where I realize there are voids in my life that could be filled by faith. But like all of the other holes in my life that need filling, I find that the social norms and the accepted ways of doing things are alien to me.
From time to time I meditate on the thought of God. The last time I did this was the summer between my freshman and sophomore years of college. Being in the church today made me wonder if it's time I do a little more digging. Especially being where I'm at in my life right now. I've lost faith in what I thought to be true this summer and I fear the only way I can move forward is to figure out what I want to believe in. Either find something new or solidify what I already thought to be true and realize this past summer was just a test of faith.
It's funny, I remember writing something earlier this year about making this year a religious quest, but the art of being a gentleman was to be my new religion. But maybe I need to take stock in my personal relationship with the abstract of god. The Bible, no, but God, yes.
We'll see, I suppose. It's at least worth the thought...
I used to put my faith in the universe. You could call that God or fate. But I believed wholeheartedly that everything had a reason and all things worked out the way they were meant to be. Personal experiences even proved that my life was being taken care of. The road may have been winding, but I was always able to, in hindsight, see how the road got me from there to here.
This summer, however, when dreams were lost and pain took over, faith left too. I know I'm not "here" yet, and I'm still on the path from "there" but I feel like I've been "there" for too long now. I'm restless and unhappy and I've seen so many possible "heres" come and go that I've started giving up on waiting for the destination to present itself. I guess I just feel like I've been left in limbo and this is the longest I've been stuck here. And that is why I write of not knowing how to fill my days. I'm so used to being directed and guided. My life feels like this constant path that I occasionally make pit stops at, and I've been looking for a pit stop for the past few miles with no signs of one in sight...
But faith would tell me that there's one ahead. There's always one ahead. I just have to keep moving forward in its direction. That's the real answer. The one constant I keep coming to. I have to keep moving.
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