the gentleman wakes up.

when i initially started this project (over a year ago...so it's been a VERY long year...) i had no idea what i was doing. i only had the glimmer of an idea of who i wanted to become.

basically, long story short, i realized i was quickly approaching thirty with nothing to show for it. sure, i've had some adventures and sure, i've somewhat followed my dreams to new york, but i was starting to feel my age. i was starting to ask myself what have i really accomplished? and i was drawing blanks.

the answers were harsh realities staring me in the face: i was starting to lose my figure. i was still living like i was in college (definition: poor diet, sleeping all day, no sense of direction) and i knew i wanted to change. i needed to change. hence, the year of the gentleman. but i failed quicker than i started. and that's because i had an idea but no clear way of knowing how to get there.

up until recently (and this is still a fairly new concept, so no promises that its a tried and true way of life - yet) i've let life take me for a ride. i've always left things up to fate and the destines, trusting that they'll take me where i need to be. but, see, that just means that the taxi cab of life drops me off wherever she feels like and then shouts out the window as she's driving away "ha! good luck finding your way now!" and then i shout back "bitch" but she's too far in the distance to hear me and i just feel like an idiot for trusting her in the first place.

it was naive of me to think everything would work out (the way i wanted it to) without really giving the taxi driver any directions. for some reason, i thought fate could see through me, would recognize my good intentions, and would take me where i (thought i) deserved to be. but that's not how it works, as i've figured out. as long as you give the taxi cab of life some directions, even if she drops you off a few blocks from where you requested to go (which she will, trust me), at least you're a few blocks away from your destination and you can make it the rest of the way on foot. if you just get in and let her take you wherever she wants to take you, well, of course you'll end up in the middle of nowhere with miles of backtracking to get where you want to be.

so needless to say, i've woken up to this reality. and now that i know this, i've set off on figuring out exactly where i want to be so i know what directions to give life.

so that's where i'm at. figuring out exactly what i want. it only took me 28 1/2 years to figure this out. i'm pretty sure i was taught this in high school and college (five year plans and what not). but, in my true fashion (stubborn and bullheaded, as my parents always put it) i had to figure it out the hard way.

the problem is, i always knew where i wanted to end up. i just thought if i worked hard, was dedicated, and had the best of intentions, that it would come to me once i threw my talents into the mix. as long as i focused on my studies and honed my skills, i'd be fine. people would recognize my worth. they'd see through me, into my depths, and recognize that i was worthy and deserving, and that would be that. i'd get what i wanted.

welp, that's not the way, folks. i have to have a much more direct path planned out. so that's what i'm doing now. i've got the map spread out on the table. now i just have to figure out how to read the damn thing, and then i'll get somewhere.

aj

--
what i've been listening to as i type: ben folds five - whatever & ever amen (it took the entire length of the album)

ben folds five takes me back to my high school years, when i was full of promise and did nothing but dream. in fact, ben folds was the entire soundtrack for my road trip to new york for my nyu audition (i didn't get in, by the way).

my new obsession: the high line in new york city - if you are in or near or visiting new york city and haven't visited the high line, i have one word for you: go. now. the friends of the high line have reconstituted an abandoned elevated train line into a park in the sky, and it's magnificent. i mean, seriously. it's my favorite place in new york right now. it's not far from where i work, so i walk it pretty often. and i can't get enough. so go. now.

one of the great things about the high line is the art that has sprung up in the area - specifically on rooftops and in windows. one of my favorite instillations is the above picture. jordan betten has put together this menagerie of animals and is calling is the high line zoo. to see more of his work, check out thehighlinezoo.eom. photo by me.

my most recent purchase: cologne - artisan by john varvatos at sephora

now that's a bottle! one thing i hate about most (if not all) cologne bottles is how unattractive i find them. i wish they had dresser appeal, but i find most cologne bottles to be things i hide in drawers. but this bottle caught my attention immediately and reminded me of something i'd proudly display. and then the scent made the sell.

42. meditation

i'm three sessions in to a meditation workshop. and i'm amazed that it's taken me so long to discover this.

i just started working for this new fitness studio in new york. we're very holistic, and all about energy, so when the chance to take a meditation workshop came up, we all immediately signed up.

usually i'm against these sort of things. i mean, the idea of hypnosis makes my eyes involuntarily roll, because i can't imagine anyone realistically letting someone else control their mind. and i've tried to sit down and quiet my mind, but too many thoughts flood around in my head for me to stop thinking for more than three seconds.

but this workshop has changed my life. completely. and it's giving me this new life and energy that i haven't had in a long time. this newfound life and energy that's going to help me tackle life and my gentleman project.

see, last year i did things all wrong. i was working from the outside in. this year, i'm doing it right. working from the inside out.

41. week 1

so. i had the idea of the year of the gentleman LAST year. but it really seems like THIS year was meant to be the year of the gentleman.

i'll explain.

this time last year i didn't have anything on my plate. all i was doing was sleeping a lot and criticizing myself for drinking out of the milk carton.

this year i have an AMAZING job that inspires me. i'm waking up early every day to head out to work. i'm so much more excited about being out in the world. and i have purpose. i didn't have purpose last year. at all. i thought i did, but i didn't. at all.

but now i do! so now i have a reason (and a want) to follow through with the things i set out to do. update my wardrobe, for instance, for work. and for play. workout and take control of my body. be social and make it a point to regularly see my friends. i bought a book today to read because i want to. i feel so alive.

that's all i needed. an offing job. that wasn't just a gig to pay the rent. but something that i find fulfilling.

this is amazing.

so needless to say, the first week of the year has been amazing. i mean, the last two months of '11 were great - but i'm already noticing a huge difference in myself. in my lifestyle. in my soul.

so maybe i'll actually stick with chronicling things this year. because i'm finally on the right track. and it feels so good.

40. hello 2012

hello, 2012. my name is anthony. it's very nice to meet you.

2011 and i didn't really see eye to eye. well, that's not entirely true. the petulant child in me didn't like 2011 because things didn't necessarily work out the way i wanted them to. but 2011, being much wiser than me, gave me exactly what i needed.

i did say i wanted to spend 2011 growing and becoming a gentleman. well, i had plenty of opportunities to do just that.

so where am i now? a year later, i'm in pretty much the same place. but i'm a little bit stronger. a little bit wiser. a little bit more focused. last year, the gentleman thing was an idea. one that i eventually got bored with. i tried to convince myself that it was something i was really going to focus on. but i didn't. and that's ok.

i was focusing on all the wrong things. i started out by focusing on all the things i could do to become a gentleman. i wasn't focusing on what it would actually take to get there. i was trying to work from the outside in instead of from the inside out. so maybe this year i'll start where i should have started last year. i'll focus on my honor and integrity and intention, not on how i dress and whether or not i drink from the milk carton. because you can dress anyone up to look like a gentleman. that doesn't mean he is one.

and i want to be one.

i really want to be one.

i have some really wonderful things to focus on this year. a new job that i adore. a theatre company that i've started with three friends. a one man show that i'm going to start writing based partly on this blog. i have wonderful things to focus on. and through those things, i'll have opportunities to grow as a gentleman.

i think that's where i failed last year. i didn't have things to do. i spent a lot of time at home, doing nothing. i spent majority of the year unemployed. and when i was working it was out of necessity. not out of interest. and because of that, i found myself grasping for this impossible happiness. i was floundering and sinking. how could i possibly be a gentleman?!

so hello, 2012. i'm going to do things a lot differently this year.

so let's go!

39. tomorrow is new year's eve...

oh me.

what a year. i guess i fell off the grid a little while ago. figures. something i'm not particularly good at: following through with things. well, that's not entirely true - it really depends on the thing. i mean, i'm really great at sitting on the couch and watching entire seasons of television in one sitting. so i should amend my statement by saying i'm not good at following through with major projects that i set out to accomplish. unless it's work related (or involves television), it'll never get done.

2012 resolution maybe? nah...

i think i might forego resolutions altogether next year. i think resolutions are nice, but they end up being this inner battle where we pinpoint terrible things about ourselves and where we proclaim how we're going to change and why. and then we fail and beat ourselves up. well, i'm tired of looking at myself and judging what i see. i need to just accept who i am and where i'm at and call it a day. i guess that's what i've learned over 2011. i've spent so much time trying to be someone instead of just being who i am - gentleman or not. i will always have bad habits. i will always have things to learn. and there's nothing wrong with that.

38. let down your hair

sometimes i feel like rapunzel. and all i have is a window and a computer through which i experience the world. only, i've locked myself inside the tower and not some evil witch.

and when i feel that way, like i'm trapped, i write. i write to free myself. i write to free my mind from the stories in my head. i write to reach out to the world around me. and i write because sometimes it's the only way i know how to live.

i know that sounds super depressing but it's not mean to be. it's just a truth. i mean, i only really write when something heavy is on my mind. i don't write when things are easy. i write when things are hard.

i write when i need to let down my hair and climb out of the tower.

37. the truth

here's the thing...i need a job doing what i love. i need to do more than survival jobs. i'm tired of just getting by. i want a career. not just a hobby. i'm discouraged that auditions aren't leading to anything right now. i know i should be happy that i keep getting final callbacks for shows, but seriously, can't i just get cast? can't the universe pick me this time?

sometimes when i write i get cryptic. i talk in circles. around things rather than about them.

but i'm sad that the universe keeps choosing other people over me. it makes me lose faith in myself, in this career, in my choices...

i should buck up, i guess, deal with it all. but. it's. hard.

that's all.